Still In Limbo Land
I should be sleeping right now since I'm working on a house I'm moving into....AGAIN. The only thing I like about it is (hopefully) my room will be more sound proof with the extra insulation into the walls and it's closer to society which shorter time and gas usage. We have a month to fix/build parts of the house up and move into it, since people have jobs some processes are slower and I feel like I'm in construction limbo. The only things I remembered about this month was the Toxic Holocaust concert and this endless limbo. It almost feels like I'm just stuck in one track in life, kinda like in Ground Hog's Day movie. I been doing ok and at the moment I'm writing this with a clear mind. I guess just lately I'm feeling blue(loneliness) which leads into my "favorite" emotion depression.
I noticed the worse it gets is when the suicidal thoughts appear, I did mention before it's just a form of scapegoat from the pain. It was always seem so convincing just to say fuck it and hit the reset button into the unknown. But that unknown afterlife always puts me into gut wrecking feeling of anxiety almost like shut down mood pondering how everything we know can just exist in this life and will forever disappear. The person you are, the people and things you love, all of it. I do like to believe in incarnation, maybe our souls get recycled into new life. That life could actually be something from the past or a different dimension. Or maybe when we die we get stuck in remember of what our "heaven" is and live there for the rest of eternity, Like the ending of Lost theory. This is the first time I ever shared this view of afterlife but I have been thinking about it for years and scares me at times.
I guess I'm too attached to this living being, Maybe the feeling of wanting to live since I only done so little in life is what scares me about death. I do accept it but there's a feeling or something holding me back, maybe we are here for a reason and we can't leave until We have done it without our knowledge to what it is. That could be the big finish as we die we find out by remembering everything we done in this life. Ironic as it is "Life can only be understood in reverse" Now I'm just wondering off into thought of a different subject. I'm realizing my loneliness is probably double the hurt these days because I used to say a best friend and close friends around me as a teenager and plus the lack of love life attention. These days I feel as alone more than ever, I keep telling myself there's no one around anyone more. This is what I become...a hermit stuck in it's shell that learned to open up.
Now I have no one to open to...One of the many regrets as I grew up was being shy, quiet, and kept to myself. Young and dumb for not realizing I was just holding myself back as a person. The closest thing to close friends I have these days are some pot heads and stay in doors gamers that work for their addiction. I fucking hate the fact I feel like I lost my motivation to create music, I'm losing too much time I feel. I'm not getting any younger just older and pressured to do something with myself. That's just the society we live in today, you have to look like this and be a working drone as you obey these laws that the higher ups do what they please. I do wish something happens like a revolution or some form of reset.
I aim too high for an zombie outbreak hah, I wouldn't doubt a nuclear apocalypse actually happening. Now that's some real scary shit, Fuck....it's getting too late and I need to sleep to go back into fucking limbo. I wanted to sleep earlier but in life you just can't force your body into things, that's not how it works. It never has and it never will. Oh, and when it comes to "love life" there's only one person I truly love to be with but many things are stopping that from ever happening. I should give up but I can't seem to let go as much as I want to. Finding the rarest gem in a sea of parasites. I should really stop blabbering on...it's not like anyone reads this, I feel ridiculous sometimes doing this but I remembered This is the only thing for years I'm able to express myself to. There's no more "Best" friends I have to talk to, I do have about 2-3 friends I would but their barely around when I most need them. I wish they were though....Maybe I wouldn't have hurt so much than.
I noticed the worse it gets is when the suicidal thoughts appear, I did mention before it's just a form of scapegoat from the pain. It was always seem so convincing just to say fuck it and hit the reset button into the unknown. But that unknown afterlife always puts me into gut wrecking feeling of anxiety almost like shut down mood pondering how everything we know can just exist in this life and will forever disappear. The person you are, the people and things you love, all of it. I do like to believe in incarnation, maybe our souls get recycled into new life. That life could actually be something from the past or a different dimension. Or maybe when we die we get stuck in remember of what our "heaven" is and live there for the rest of eternity, Like the ending of Lost theory. This is the first time I ever shared this view of afterlife but I have been thinking about it for years and scares me at times.
I guess I'm too attached to this living being, Maybe the feeling of wanting to live since I only done so little in life is what scares me about death. I do accept it but there's a feeling or something holding me back, maybe we are here for a reason and we can't leave until We have done it without our knowledge to what it is. That could be the big finish as we die we find out by remembering everything we done in this life. Ironic as it is "Life can only be understood in reverse" Now I'm just wondering off into thought of a different subject. I'm realizing my loneliness is probably double the hurt these days because I used to say a best friend and close friends around me as a teenager and plus the lack of love life attention. These days I feel as alone more than ever, I keep telling myself there's no one around anyone more. This is what I become...a hermit stuck in it's shell that learned to open up.
Now I have no one to open to...One of the many regrets as I grew up was being shy, quiet, and kept to myself. Young and dumb for not realizing I was just holding myself back as a person. The closest thing to close friends I have these days are some pot heads and stay in doors gamers that work for their addiction. I fucking hate the fact I feel like I lost my motivation to create music, I'm losing too much time I feel. I'm not getting any younger just older and pressured to do something with myself. That's just the society we live in today, you have to look like this and be a working drone as you obey these laws that the higher ups do what they please. I do wish something happens like a revolution or some form of reset.
I aim too high for an zombie outbreak hah, I wouldn't doubt a nuclear apocalypse actually happening. Now that's some real scary shit, Fuck....it's getting too late and I need to sleep to go back into fucking limbo. I wanted to sleep earlier but in life you just can't force your body into things, that's not how it works. It never has and it never will. Oh, and when it comes to "love life" there's only one person I truly love to be with but many things are stopping that from ever happening. I should give up but I can't seem to let go as much as I want to. Finding the rarest gem in a sea of parasites. I should really stop blabbering on...it's not like anyone reads this, I feel ridiculous sometimes doing this but I remembered This is the only thing for years I'm able to express myself to. There's no more "Best" friends I have to talk to, I do have about 2-3 friends I would but their barely around when I most need them. I wish they were though....Maybe I wouldn't have hurt so much than.