(no subject)
I just listened to the recent "This American Life" on breakups, and have so much to scream about. "Full of feelings that contradict each other," is indeed where I'm at these days. I'm hating with such extreme passion, while so deeply giving into loving, or lust, or passion, or just plain insanity, but really it's all one in the same, right?
If I blatantly steal words from a friend's mouth, from a cheesy love song, from the radio show, from a popular book or movie, please forgive. It's just that there is so much truth in everything these days. I want to be blank for awhile.
He told me, in bed, that he DOES NOT LOVE ME. I spend most of my days thinking about what a spineless, self-centered whiny little bitch he is. And yet . . .
Tonight we ate at The Black Sheep Bistro in Vergennes to celebrate Mad's b-day. I was enjoying a lovely evening with people I adore when all of a sudden panic struck. We were there, at that same table, the first time Adam came to Vermont and my parents took us out for dinner. Adam ordered a pork chop. Why do I remember that? I had to pee, but was afraid to leave him alone with my parents at the table. I want to die, I want to die, I want to suffer, bleed, and hurt all over.
There is not a minute in the goddamn day when I am not missing him for a stupid fucking reason like that. And I hate him and I love him. I want to be with him and I never want to see him again. I cannot, for anything, understand how we got to this place. Why would I want to be with someone who does not love me? Why would I want to stay with someone who clearly cannot take the weight of the world and opts to quit, to give up, to run away, to throw it all out, when it gets complicated? It's all fucking complicated, don't you know that yet? The good stuff was the only thing in this life that was simple. And now it's gone.
Adam said last night, "I just feel so helpless," which translates into "I feel bad, but not bad enough to make it right." How can he feel helpless when I gave him so much control? When he ruined this, when he said he didn't love me, when he broke up with me, when he let me move out, and when he fucked with my feelings again, and again, and again. You feel helpless? Well, what does that make me? Pathetic, and how.
But I don't care.
Nothing is perfect all the time. I get better when I pretend it's temporary, but when I realize that it's not, I get confused. Why couldn't I stay? Why did we give it all up? Why are you sad now? When will being without you feel okay?
Why can't you love me?
and more importantly,
Why do I still love you?
It's just that for every bad thing, there were a thousand million good things. Great things. Perfect things. But there is no scale in a relationship. Maybe his pros and cons list just doesn't match mine.
Was it because I used to fall asleep during Lost, wake up groggy and make you tell me exactly what happened, and then ask you again over breakfast because I was so groggy that I forgot the night before? You always hated that.
If I blatantly steal words from a friend's mouth, from a cheesy love song, from the radio show, from a popular book or movie, please forgive. It's just that there is so much truth in everything these days. I want to be blank for awhile.
He told me, in bed, that he DOES NOT LOVE ME. I spend most of my days thinking about what a spineless, self-centered whiny little bitch he is. And yet . . .
Tonight we ate at The Black Sheep Bistro in Vergennes to celebrate Mad's b-day. I was enjoying a lovely evening with people I adore when all of a sudden panic struck. We were there, at that same table, the first time Adam came to Vermont and my parents took us out for dinner. Adam ordered a pork chop. Why do I remember that? I had to pee, but was afraid to leave him alone with my parents at the table. I want to die, I want to die, I want to suffer, bleed, and hurt all over.
There is not a minute in the goddamn day when I am not missing him for a stupid fucking reason like that. And I hate him and I love him. I want to be with him and I never want to see him again. I cannot, for anything, understand how we got to this place. Why would I want to be with someone who does not love me? Why would I want to stay with someone who clearly cannot take the weight of the world and opts to quit, to give up, to run away, to throw it all out, when it gets complicated? It's all fucking complicated, don't you know that yet? The good stuff was the only thing in this life that was simple. And now it's gone.
Adam said last night, "I just feel so helpless," which translates into "I feel bad, but not bad enough to make it right." How can he feel helpless when I gave him so much control? When he ruined this, when he said he didn't love me, when he broke up with me, when he let me move out, and when he fucked with my feelings again, and again, and again. You feel helpless? Well, what does that make me? Pathetic, and how.
But I don't care.
Nothing is perfect all the time. I get better when I pretend it's temporary, but when I realize that it's not, I get confused. Why couldn't I stay? Why did we give it all up? Why are you sad now? When will being without you feel okay?
Why can't you love me?
and more importantly,
Why do I still love you?
It's just that for every bad thing, there were a thousand million good things. Great things. Perfect things. But there is no scale in a relationship. Maybe his pros and cons list just doesn't match mine.
Was it because I used to fall asleep during Lost, wake up groggy and make you tell me exactly what happened, and then ask you again over breakfast because I was so groggy that I forgot the night before? You always hated that.