It's Never Too Late to Change Lanes.
January 1st, 4:17 pm
Hello Birthday. It's nice to see you again. :-D
February 12th, 2:12 am
It's the right thing.
It's the right thing.
It's the right thing.
It's the right thing.
..sing this song, remind me that we'll always have each other when everything else is gone..
* I Feel: teary
* I Hear: Dig -- Incubus
March 21st, 7:17 pm
Here's To The Future.
I created this journal six years ago today. I talked about a crush and school. Interesting how the topics haven't changed in what I tend to talk about today, just their degree of importance. The stakes are higher now.
Instead of being confused by a crush, I was confused (for so long) about a someone who was supposed to love me. Instead of giving code names, I refuse to type his name in my livejournal anymore. (I wonder which is more immature..)
Instead of feeling the pressure of my parents to do well, I feel the pressure from myself.. with my parents' unwavering support in my decisions. Oddly, their support is just as hard to swallow as their pressure.
I've changed my path from the one I thought I'd be following six years ago. Let's see if the next six years will help me change my priorities. Let's see if I can find the strength to let go of the past. Let's hope they help me become a better, stronger person in the future. So mote it be.
* I Feel: lost
* I Hear: Walking By -- Holiday Parade
April 6th, 7:21 pm
I want to start writing again. I've been contemplating this for a while now. Ever since I started writing for real, poetry I mean, it's always been for something. A class, an assignment, a challenge. Never just for me. I remember back in the day when I first got involved in online communities and fandoms and meeting people across the US that all had similar interests as me, and getting into fanfiction and writing my own stories... I remember how accomplished I felt, how creative I felt. Now I feel like a drone. I've taken five creative writing workshop-style classes since I started college, and never wrote for myself. I haven't felt truely creative since back before all that started, back before senior year. Back when I didn't know what I was doing.
I think I'm going to start again. In a new journal too, not the one I've written in since high school. A new start.
That is all. :)
* I See: Dani's apartment
* I Feel: thoughtful
* I Hear: DANG
May 27th, 8:49pm
So, I just discovered:
I literally cannot read the entries I made in this journal sophomore year of college. I was obsessive, blinded, and trapped in a self-destructive tunnel vision that I can hardly fathom now that I am clear of it. It is to a point where the nausea I feel reading about it is almost overwhelming. Please. Let it never happen again. Please.
lately i've been hard to reach,
i've been too long on my own..
* I Feel: blank
June 29th, 7:40pm
I got the internship. And I'm going.
* I Feel: jubilant
July 22nd, 11:43pm
The air tonight, tastes sweeter than it ever has..
I am leaving in two weeks. So freaking weird. It's really starting to sink in now, when more and more of my friends and family are telling me how sad they are that I'm not going to be around. Some are convinced I'm going to fall in love with some hippie Californian, get married, make babies and they're never going to see me again. I don't think that's gonna happen, but wouldn't it be my famous last words if it did?
However, all that said, I don't think I can convey my excitement enough. I'm really really looking forward to these next nine months and am practically itching to get out there. My going-away cookout is next Sunday, which will be nice to say my goodbyes to people I wouldn't have seen otherwise. Le sigh. So much going on now, August 6th is really sneaking up on me. Summer pretty much feels over for me already, which isn't really that odd considering my "summer" technically started in the middle of March. I emailed Kathy a few days back about packing suggestions and she sent me the usual list they send out to students as a start, and it makes it feel so much more solid and real. Oh gosh, I'm so excited! I really think this is going to be amazing. Absolutely amazing.
I started writing again. Makes me happy.
* I Feel: excited
* I Hear: 98 Rock (trying to hear Pedro's band)
August 26th, 2:53pm
Hey Jealousy.
I talked to Tommy on the phone this morning. He had just finished moving into his room in College Park, in the New Leonardtown apartments. He seemed resigned to the room situation (he's in a triple, in a room that's meant to be a double), but overall seemed pretty good about being there. We only talked for a few minutes because he didn't want to miss out on getting to know his roommates, which made me happy. I know he'll be fine. More than fine. I definitely got a pang though, being reminded that I'm not getting to be there with him this year. Alas, alas. Next year.
Tommy said that my dad is moving back home. I don't know how I feel about this. I kind of wanted them to take some time on their own for a bit... their dynamic has changed a great deal since my mom started working and I was hoping they'd take the time to really figure things out before rushing to get back together. Or maybe this isn't rushing, and I can't tell because I'm not there. Alas, alas. We'll see.
Things are starting to pick up here in California, really starting to get down to what my job is all about and daily life is starting to gain some sense of structure. I'm anxious to get down to it!
Also, I miss Jack like craaaazy. I definitely have to see if I can bring him with me next semester, since Jess said she'd watch him while I'm away on outreach trips. Cross your fingers!
* I See: SFC
* I Feel: contemplative
September 6th, 4:27pm**
Do I smile a lot? Cause several people here have mentioned that they love seeing me smiling all the time. (Did I mention yet that people are really open with their feelings here? lol) Either I’ve never noticed I’m a smiler or I’m just happy here. I don’t know, but I still think I’m slightly scarred from that time in fourth grade when Mrs. Hannon yelled at me for smiling too much. (It’s over ten years later, and I still remember that lady as a bitch. If I ever become a teacher, that thought alone would make me want to do the job right.) But yeah. Apparently smiling is my favorite.
I really miss my car and the autonomy that it gives me. This whole asking for permission to take a school vehicle is really starting to chafe at my sense of independence. Oh well. Soon enough, the Baby will be here and I can be patient until then. And speaking of, I’m making a conscious effort to start planning for and gaining permissions to bring my other baby, Jackadoodle, back here with me in the spring. I miss him, and am excited for November to be with him again.
John went to the Strawberry Festival last weekend and brought me back strawberries, and all because I had jokingly asked him if he would before he left. He didn’t even get them from the festival, cause they didn’t have any, and had stopped at a roadside market on the way home. I shared them with everyone, but mainly Tuui, who had decided his ten month old baby ambition was to become a strawberry himself. He was absolutely covered in strawberries. He was red. It was hilarious. And adorable. It’s occurred to me that I’ve never been around a small child for an extended period of time before now, and I really am becoming quite attached to him. He’s just so happy. He has the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen; Dana told me yesterday that I was a good Auntie. It made me feel a little bit of warm fuzzies inside.
I also feel like I should clarify about earlier in this post, that I really like Dana and Daniel an awful lot. Most of this “fixing” and “lecturing” is done in a joking manner, even though we’re both perfectly serious and stubborn in our own ways. Those topics hardly take up all our discussions and are hardly the basis for our relationship. The four and a half of us in the Intern Wing of the Stone House (Daniel, Dana, Ryan, Tuui (the half) and myself) get along really well and often stay up late hanging out in my room and talking. It’s a pretty great/social living environment and I’m really happy with it. It makes me happy to know I’ll be going away on outreach trips and coming back to a place where people enjoy my company and will actually miss me. It’s kind of like home.
And speaking of home, I finally got the package my mom sent me like two weeks ago. Yay for having the clothes that didn’t fit into my suitcase! Thanks momma, for the candies and the bag - it’s absolutely perfect. Life Is Good, indeed.
* I See: Admissions Office
* I Feel: cheerful
October 4th, 3:09pm
I am Drawing the Story Of...
I am feeling so much nostalgia right now. What I wouldn't give for things to go back the way they used to be, to feel so "young" and naive again, to have college be such a dream. I would love to live with all my friends and go to the diner at midnight and sleep through classes with no remorse and giggle with Karrie at all hours of the night. It is sad to know that when I return to the place where all these memories took place, there will no longer be anyone to share them with. All the friendly faces will have graduated, moved on. I will be on my own. I will be forging my own path.
This song is so much sadder than I remember it being, but all I feel from it is happiness. Renewed. Hopeful. I am ready to let go of all this song is bringing up for me. So much of why I loved UMD before was external and when that all came crashing down, so did my appreciation for being there. I admitted defeat about eight months ago, and now I'm ready to go back, fully equipped and supported by internal reasons for doing so. I want to fucking learn. I have learned from my mistakes, so now I want to go sit in a classroom and learn something new. I want to actually read the materials given to me, I want to understand them, I want to go to all my classes, I want to be prepared and organized, and appreciate. I want, differently and better than before. My priorities have changed. They are more relevant to putting my life in the direction I want it to go. Going back to UMD no longer seems like a chore. It is a stepping stone.
..and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come and paint over it all..
* I See: Coffee Catz -- Sebastopol, CA
* I Feel: nostalgic
* I Hear: Both Hands - Faux Pas
November 14th, 11:45am**
Some of the visits I made in the Baltimore/DC area, I had to give a little blurb about the program to an audience of two to three hundred high school students and teachers. Twice, I've done that now. It's terrifying. Here's to facing my fears, yeah? High schoolers are scary. But they are slowly becoming less so, so it's definitely a good sign.
I've been in classrooms where it's so obvious how much the students respect their teachers. You can tell that she/he is going to be someone these kids remember for the rest of their lives, just like I'll remember JB and Whewell and Foster for the rest of mine. I want to be that person, I think. Kathy Devlin, high school english teacher? I haven't decided yet, but I think I could do it and do it well, if I really put my mind to it. We'll see.
* I See: Durham, NC
* I Feel: a little sick
* I Hear: Give It To Me - Timbaland ft. JT and Nelly Furtado
December 2nd, 4:58pm**
I would just like to start this post by saying that yesterday marked the first day of my last month as a twenty year old. Also, I am back in California as of this past Wednesday and it feels like I never left. If anything, it feels as if I blinked and suddenly a month of my time here was stolen out from under me. The students will graduate from the program in two weeks and I don't believe I'm ready to see them go. I'm sure that next semester will be wonderful, but this semester was the one I grew into the community with and I'm sure I'll always have a soft spot for it.
It's good to be home. I talked to my dad today and apparently my plane ticket to the east coast is bought and paid for, so on the 19th I'll return to my other home again. All this hopping around is making it hard to keep track of where I am! Not really, but isn't that fun to say? I've been making plans for a lunch/shopping date with a few friends, then it's Christmas, followed closely after by my 21st birthday (which my parents have so kindly given me permission to throw a party for). Then a few days later Jack and I, and hopefully Dannie, will embark on our cross-country drive to California, with the pit-stop in Texas to pick up Dani. Time is certainly flying by me... but don't worry, I'm paying it all the attention it deserves.
* I See: SFC
* I Feel: cosy
** posts taken from earthquaker_grl due to more relevant content
how's your life?
how's your place?
was it where you wanted
your head to lay?
but wait, you can breathe
you can see what I can see
don't waste your time
you can't make back
if you could rewind your time
would you change your life?
Hello Birthday. It's nice to see you again. :-D
February 12th, 2:12 am
It's the right thing.
It's the right thing.
It's the right thing.
It's the right thing.
..sing this song, remind me that we'll always have each other when everything else is gone..
* I Feel: teary
* I Hear: Dig -- Incubus
March 21st, 7:17 pm
Here's To The Future.
I created this journal six years ago today. I talked about a crush and school. Interesting how the topics haven't changed in what I tend to talk about today, just their degree of importance. The stakes are higher now.
Instead of being confused by a crush, I was confused (for so long) about a someone who was supposed to love me. Instead of giving code names, I refuse to type his name in my livejournal anymore. (I wonder which is more immature..)
Instead of feeling the pressure of my parents to do well, I feel the pressure from myself.. with my parents' unwavering support in my decisions. Oddly, their support is just as hard to swallow as their pressure.
I've changed my path from the one I thought I'd be following six years ago. Let's see if the next six years will help me change my priorities. Let's see if I can find the strength to let go of the past. Let's hope they help me become a better, stronger person in the future. So mote it be.
* I Feel: lost
* I Hear: Walking By -- Holiday Parade
April 6th, 7:21 pm
I want to start writing again. I've been contemplating this for a while now. Ever since I started writing for real, poetry I mean, it's always been for something. A class, an assignment, a challenge. Never just for me. I remember back in the day when I first got involved in online communities and fandoms and meeting people across the US that all had similar interests as me, and getting into fanfiction and writing my own stories... I remember how accomplished I felt, how creative I felt. Now I feel like a drone. I've taken five creative writing workshop-style classes since I started college, and never wrote for myself. I haven't felt truely creative since back before all that started, back before senior year. Back when I didn't know what I was doing.
I think I'm going to start again. In a new journal too, not the one I've written in since high school. A new start.
That is all. :)
* I See: Dani's apartment
* I Feel: thoughtful
* I Hear: DANG
May 27th, 8:49pm
So, I just discovered:
I literally cannot read the entries I made in this journal sophomore year of college. I was obsessive, blinded, and trapped in a self-destructive tunnel vision that I can hardly fathom now that I am clear of it. It is to a point where the nausea I feel reading about it is almost overwhelming. Please. Let it never happen again. Please.
lately i've been hard to reach,
i've been too long on my own..
* I Feel: blank
June 29th, 7:40pm
I got the internship. And I'm going.
* I Feel: jubilant
July 22nd, 11:43pm
The air tonight, tastes sweeter than it ever has..
I am leaving in two weeks. So freaking weird. It's really starting to sink in now, when more and more of my friends and family are telling me how sad they are that I'm not going to be around. Some are convinced I'm going to fall in love with some hippie Californian, get married, make babies and they're never going to see me again. I don't think that's gonna happen, but wouldn't it be my famous last words if it did?
However, all that said, I don't think I can convey my excitement enough. I'm really really looking forward to these next nine months and am practically itching to get out there. My going-away cookout is next Sunday, which will be nice to say my goodbyes to people I wouldn't have seen otherwise. Le sigh. So much going on now, August 6th is really sneaking up on me. Summer pretty much feels over for me already, which isn't really that odd considering my "summer" technically started in the middle of March. I emailed Kathy a few days back about packing suggestions and she sent me the usual list they send out to students as a start, and it makes it feel so much more solid and real. Oh gosh, I'm so excited! I really think this is going to be amazing. Absolutely amazing.
I started writing again. Makes me happy.
* I Feel: excited
* I Hear: 98 Rock (trying to hear Pedro's band)
August 26th, 2:53pm
Hey Jealousy.
I talked to Tommy on the phone this morning. He had just finished moving into his room in College Park, in the New Leonardtown apartments. He seemed resigned to the room situation (he's in a triple, in a room that's meant to be a double), but overall seemed pretty good about being there. We only talked for a few minutes because he didn't want to miss out on getting to know his roommates, which made me happy. I know he'll be fine. More than fine. I definitely got a pang though, being reminded that I'm not getting to be there with him this year. Alas, alas. Next year.
Tommy said that my dad is moving back home. I don't know how I feel about this. I kind of wanted them to take some time on their own for a bit... their dynamic has changed a great deal since my mom started working and I was hoping they'd take the time to really figure things out before rushing to get back together. Or maybe this isn't rushing, and I can't tell because I'm not there. Alas, alas. We'll see.
Things are starting to pick up here in California, really starting to get down to what my job is all about and daily life is starting to gain some sense of structure. I'm anxious to get down to it!
Also, I miss Jack like craaaazy. I definitely have to see if I can bring him with me next semester, since Jess said she'd watch him while I'm away on outreach trips. Cross your fingers!
* I See: SFC
* I Feel: contemplative
September 6th, 4:27pm**
Do I smile a lot? Cause several people here have mentioned that they love seeing me smiling all the time. (Did I mention yet that people are really open with their feelings here? lol) Either I’ve never noticed I’m a smiler or I’m just happy here. I don’t know, but I still think I’m slightly scarred from that time in fourth grade when Mrs. Hannon yelled at me for smiling too much. (It’s over ten years later, and I still remember that lady as a bitch. If I ever become a teacher, that thought alone would make me want to do the job right.) But yeah. Apparently smiling is my favorite.
I really miss my car and the autonomy that it gives me. This whole asking for permission to take a school vehicle is really starting to chafe at my sense of independence. Oh well. Soon enough, the Baby will be here and I can be patient until then. And speaking of, I’m making a conscious effort to start planning for and gaining permissions to bring my other baby, Jackadoodle, back here with me in the spring. I miss him, and am excited for November to be with him again.
John went to the Strawberry Festival last weekend and brought me back strawberries, and all because I had jokingly asked him if he would before he left. He didn’t even get them from the festival, cause they didn’t have any, and had stopped at a roadside market on the way home. I shared them with everyone, but mainly Tuui, who had decided his ten month old baby ambition was to become a strawberry himself. He was absolutely covered in strawberries. He was red. It was hilarious. And adorable. It’s occurred to me that I’ve never been around a small child for an extended period of time before now, and I really am becoming quite attached to him. He’s just so happy. He has the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen; Dana told me yesterday that I was a good Auntie. It made me feel a little bit of warm fuzzies inside.
I also feel like I should clarify about earlier in this post, that I really like Dana and Daniel an awful lot. Most of this “fixing” and “lecturing” is done in a joking manner, even though we’re both perfectly serious and stubborn in our own ways. Those topics hardly take up all our discussions and are hardly the basis for our relationship. The four and a half of us in the Intern Wing of the Stone House (Daniel, Dana, Ryan, Tuui (the half) and myself) get along really well and often stay up late hanging out in my room and talking. It’s a pretty great/social living environment and I’m really happy with it. It makes me happy to know I’ll be going away on outreach trips and coming back to a place where people enjoy my company and will actually miss me. It’s kind of like home.
And speaking of home, I finally got the package my mom sent me like two weeks ago. Yay for having the clothes that didn’t fit into my suitcase! Thanks momma, for the candies and the bag - it’s absolutely perfect. Life Is Good, indeed.
* I See: Admissions Office
* I Feel: cheerful
October 4th, 3:09pm
I am Drawing the Story Of...
I am feeling so much nostalgia right now. What I wouldn't give for things to go back the way they used to be, to feel so "young" and naive again, to have college be such a dream. I would love to live with all my friends and go to the diner at midnight and sleep through classes with no remorse and giggle with Karrie at all hours of the night. It is sad to know that when I return to the place where all these memories took place, there will no longer be anyone to share them with. All the friendly faces will have graduated, moved on. I will be on my own. I will be forging my own path.
This song is so much sadder than I remember it being, but all I feel from it is happiness. Renewed. Hopeful. I am ready to let go of all this song is bringing up for me. So much of why I loved UMD before was external and when that all came crashing down, so did my appreciation for being there. I admitted defeat about eight months ago, and now I'm ready to go back, fully equipped and supported by internal reasons for doing so. I want to fucking learn. I have learned from my mistakes, so now I want to go sit in a classroom and learn something new. I want to actually read the materials given to me, I want to understand them, I want to go to all my classes, I want to be prepared and organized, and appreciate. I want, differently and better than before. My priorities have changed. They are more relevant to putting my life in the direction I want it to go. Going back to UMD no longer seems like a chore. It is a stepping stone.
..and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come and paint over it all..
* I See: Coffee Catz -- Sebastopol, CA
* I Feel: nostalgic
* I Hear: Both Hands - Faux Pas
November 14th, 11:45am**
Some of the visits I made in the Baltimore/DC area, I had to give a little blurb about the program to an audience of two to three hundred high school students and teachers. Twice, I've done that now. It's terrifying. Here's to facing my fears, yeah? High schoolers are scary. But they are slowly becoming less so, so it's definitely a good sign.
I've been in classrooms where it's so obvious how much the students respect their teachers. You can tell that she/he is going to be someone these kids remember for the rest of their lives, just like I'll remember JB and Whewell and Foster for the rest of mine. I want to be that person, I think. Kathy Devlin, high school english teacher? I haven't decided yet, but I think I could do it and do it well, if I really put my mind to it. We'll see.
* I See: Durham, NC
* I Feel: a little sick
* I Hear: Give It To Me - Timbaland ft. JT and Nelly Furtado
December 2nd, 4:58pm**
I would just like to start this post by saying that yesterday marked the first day of my last month as a twenty year old. Also, I am back in California as of this past Wednesday and it feels like I never left. If anything, it feels as if I blinked and suddenly a month of my time here was stolen out from under me. The students will graduate from the program in two weeks and I don't believe I'm ready to see them go. I'm sure that next semester will be wonderful, but this semester was the one I grew into the community with and I'm sure I'll always have a soft spot for it.
It's good to be home. I talked to my dad today and apparently my plane ticket to the east coast is bought and paid for, so on the 19th I'll return to my other home again. All this hopping around is making it hard to keep track of where I am! Not really, but isn't that fun to say? I've been making plans for a lunch/shopping date with a few friends, then it's Christmas, followed closely after by my 21st birthday (which my parents have so kindly given me permission to throw a party for). Then a few days later Jack and I, and hopefully Dannie, will embark on our cross-country drive to California, with the pit-stop in Texas to pick up Dani. Time is certainly flying by me... but don't worry, I'm paying it all the attention it deserves.
* I See: SFC
* I Feel: cosy
** posts taken from earthquaker_grl due to more relevant content
how's your life?
how's your place?
was it where you wanted
your head to lay?
but wait, you can breathe
you can see what I can see
don't waste your time
you can't make back
if you could rewind your time
would you change your life?