Koyaanisqatsi
...a Hopi word that means "life out of balance" (also a movie directed by Godfrey Reggio and scored by Philip Glass. Common reactions to the film are typically "wowza!" or "huh, what the hell was that?" It is the first of a trilogy. Here: http://www.koyaanisqatsi.org/films/film.php if you are so inclined. I have all three.)
So, koyaanisqatsi.
That is where I have been. Not so obvious on the outside. The social mask still works, still fits (never comfortably mind you) but the inside? Those who have been close knew something was amiss and sadly, they bore the brunt of my discord. A mid-life crisis is the customary term but I feel a crisis of self is more appropriate. The old "Who am I?" question. The one adolescence throws at your feet for you to kick around until you either pick it up and embrace it or leave it lying in the dirt after having your dreams co-opted by "real-life".
I let this happen. An unbalanced wheel spinning to ruin. Blowout. Pieces of me all over...yuck. Then, surveying the carnage comes the inevitable "Now what?"
There is nothing so sobering as the horrible gaping suck that grabs your heart when you realize an awfulness just experienced was all your fault.
Fortunately, the universe is not done giving me chances (read: smacks upside the head) and for that I am deeply grateful.
Lately I've received various taps, nudges and "hello's" from a era in my life when I was arguably more "me". (Not a wiser time certainly, much angst and heartache was wrapped up in events back then but it was...more authentic perhaps. I was flawed and in many ways very young but I had the courage to be myself for a time.) The most recent of these cosmic love taps opened a door to a dear friend I'd long thought closed. (There was, I think, an audible *pop* as the world snapped into rightness.)
The question isn't so much "who am I?" anymore, but rather "Why aren't I being me?" The answer has been fear, I think. Simply that. Now, it seems, seeds planted in that time of fearlessness have grown -despite my inattentiveness, into something inspirational.
This is the point where I'm supposed to say "enough already" to the Universe. I get it, ok? Really, I do. Balance. Gotta be me, gotcha...Honestly though? I'll probably need a few more smacks.
So, koyaanisqatsi.
That is where I have been. Not so obvious on the outside. The social mask still works, still fits (never comfortably mind you) but the inside? Those who have been close knew something was amiss and sadly, they bore the brunt of my discord. A mid-life crisis is the customary term but I feel a crisis of self is more appropriate. The old "Who am I?" question. The one adolescence throws at your feet for you to kick around until you either pick it up and embrace it or leave it lying in the dirt after having your dreams co-opted by "real-life".
I let this happen. An unbalanced wheel spinning to ruin. Blowout. Pieces of me all over...yuck. Then, surveying the carnage comes the inevitable "Now what?"
There is nothing so sobering as the horrible gaping suck that grabs your heart when you realize an awfulness just experienced was all your fault.
Fortunately, the universe is not done giving me chances (read: smacks upside the head) and for that I am deeply grateful.
Lately I've received various taps, nudges and "hello's" from a era in my life when I was arguably more "me". (Not a wiser time certainly, much angst and heartache was wrapped up in events back then but it was...more authentic perhaps. I was flawed and in many ways very young but I had the courage to be myself for a time.) The most recent of these cosmic love taps opened a door to a dear friend I'd long thought closed. (There was, I think, an audible *pop* as the world snapped into rightness.)
The question isn't so much "who am I?" anymore, but rather "Why aren't I being me?" The answer has been fear, I think. Simply that. Now, it seems, seeds planted in that time of fearlessness have grown -despite my inattentiveness, into something inspirational.
This is the point where I'm supposed to say "enough already" to the Universe. I get it, ok? Really, I do. Balance. Gotta be me, gotcha...Honestly though? I'll probably need a few more smacks.