The truth will set you free, believe it.
Tonight was the hardest night I've experienced in a long fucking time.
I can say however, that after this night, I will never forsake communication with another person again.
I got a hold of Rhonda, and even though I had voices telling me, "Don't do it, just be happy you're talking to her, just leave it be, you can't say how you really feel."
Despite all of this, I told her, with a cigarette to jump start it how I truly felt.
About everything, our relationship, or what seemed like a lack thereof. My unwillingness to put myself through what I'd been going through, I mean......it was everything.
While at work I'd wrote about two pages worth of stuff. Things I'd wanted to say. And I took no prisoners. I think I wrote it so brutally because I didn't think I'd actually have the tenacity to say it to her, so therefore, it'd never actually see the light of day.
Somehow though, through some unforeseen strength, I read it to her.
I did it not with a vindictive tone, not with a hint of hostility. I simply read it how I really felt. Sad, slighted, and really just wanting to answer.
I didn't break stride. I went through the whole thing. And an Izmir Stinger later I figured this was it.
I mean, if telling her I couldn't deal with things how they were any more could be construed as breaking up with her, then so be it, because that's what it was when I wrote it, and more painfully so when I read it.
This was the document.
This was something I'd never ever once done before in a relationship.
For once in my life, even with all my delusional posturing and hypocritical bullshit, I stuck to my convictions, and my convictions were all my own.
If telling her all of this meant it was over, then I was accepting of that.
I can't even begin to describe to you how difficult this was, to plan, much less cull into action, but I did it.
I did it knowing full well my intentions.
Its what had to be done for the sake of survival.
Here's the mind-blowing thing though, it didn't turn ugly at all. I don't think she expected me to go into something that deep-seated, but it ultimately did more good than I could ever imagine.
The communication that occurred tonight did more than I thought it would. A lot was explained and elaborated upon on both our ends.
I got the answers I so desperately wanted. She gave me them with no hesitation, and no bullshit.
We were two mature human beings in a world that is traditionally fucked.
Things are not in the dark like they were. I know where I stand, and I understand things.
And I'm not just saying that. I look back and read past entries where I thought I had a grip, or maybe I was just writing such things as to maybe convince myself.
But not after tonight.
Tonight was the sort of night where I showed integrity, and honesty, and decency, and it paid off.
I don't know where things are headed for her and I in th long run, but I do know that we can solve problems and communicate with each other.
I have faith in myself. And that's because of my dearest friends. And she has faith in me because I haven't ever once caused her grief.
She's told me things tonight, that she has no intention to tell anyone else, and she couldn't get out into words again even if she wanted to. And to let me be on that level says something.
To paraphrase it all, and end what probably is one of the most important entries I've ever written. I took a chance, and even then it wasn't a chance, because it had to be done. I had to stick up for myself for good or ill.
Because to have not done so would've been a major detriment against myself.
I love Rhonda, more than anyone could ever guess, and more than can really be expressed on this thing, but I have to watch out for myself in the end.
And I know she understood that. And I now understand a lot more about her as well.
We're both the better for it.
My friend Astra, as well as a few others can rest easy knowing that tonight, I maybe grew up a little.
I think this is a first step towards something better overall.
An interesting reversal from my last entry,(which I haven't posted on here, but you're not missing out on anything) but don't worry, I'll still be chain smoking in my car, and I'll still voice my disliking of a lot of people.
Not to mention filling numerous body bags with people in 'Halo 2'.
Don't be concerned, Daniel here will still be Daniel.
He's just evolved.
And it looks like he could be a much better version now.
Closing credits. This show is over.
Thanks for sticking around for a spell.
Good night.
I can say however, that after this night, I will never forsake communication with another person again.
I got a hold of Rhonda, and even though I had voices telling me, "Don't do it, just be happy you're talking to her, just leave it be, you can't say how you really feel."
Despite all of this, I told her, with a cigarette to jump start it how I truly felt.
About everything, our relationship, or what seemed like a lack thereof. My unwillingness to put myself through what I'd been going through, I mean......it was everything.
While at work I'd wrote about two pages worth of stuff. Things I'd wanted to say. And I took no prisoners. I think I wrote it so brutally because I didn't think I'd actually have the tenacity to say it to her, so therefore, it'd never actually see the light of day.
Somehow though, through some unforeseen strength, I read it to her.
I did it not with a vindictive tone, not with a hint of hostility. I simply read it how I really felt. Sad, slighted, and really just wanting to answer.
I didn't break stride. I went through the whole thing. And an Izmir Stinger later I figured this was it.
I mean, if telling her I couldn't deal with things how they were any more could be construed as breaking up with her, then so be it, because that's what it was when I wrote it, and more painfully so when I read it.
This was the document.
This was something I'd never ever once done before in a relationship.
For once in my life, even with all my delusional posturing and hypocritical bullshit, I stuck to my convictions, and my convictions were all my own.
If telling her all of this meant it was over, then I was accepting of that.
I can't even begin to describe to you how difficult this was, to plan, much less cull into action, but I did it.
I did it knowing full well my intentions.
Its what had to be done for the sake of survival.
Here's the mind-blowing thing though, it didn't turn ugly at all. I don't think she expected me to go into something that deep-seated, but it ultimately did more good than I could ever imagine.
The communication that occurred tonight did more than I thought it would. A lot was explained and elaborated upon on both our ends.
I got the answers I so desperately wanted. She gave me them with no hesitation, and no bullshit.
We were two mature human beings in a world that is traditionally fucked.
Things are not in the dark like they were. I know where I stand, and I understand things.
And I'm not just saying that. I look back and read past entries where I thought I had a grip, or maybe I was just writing such things as to maybe convince myself.
But not after tonight.
Tonight was the sort of night where I showed integrity, and honesty, and decency, and it paid off.
I don't know where things are headed for her and I in th long run, but I do know that we can solve problems and communicate with each other.
I have faith in myself. And that's because of my dearest friends. And she has faith in me because I haven't ever once caused her grief.
She's told me things tonight, that she has no intention to tell anyone else, and she couldn't get out into words again even if she wanted to. And to let me be on that level says something.
To paraphrase it all, and end what probably is one of the most important entries I've ever written. I took a chance, and even then it wasn't a chance, because it had to be done. I had to stick up for myself for good or ill.
Because to have not done so would've been a major detriment against myself.
I love Rhonda, more than anyone could ever guess, and more than can really be expressed on this thing, but I have to watch out for myself in the end.
And I know she understood that. And I now understand a lot more about her as well.
We're both the better for it.
My friend Astra, as well as a few others can rest easy knowing that tonight, I maybe grew up a little.
I think this is a first step towards something better overall.
An interesting reversal from my last entry,(which I haven't posted on here, but you're not missing out on anything) but don't worry, I'll still be chain smoking in my car, and I'll still voice my disliking of a lot of people.
Not to mention filling numerous body bags with people in 'Halo 2'.
Don't be concerned, Daniel here will still be Daniel.
He's just evolved.
And it looks like he could be a much better version now.
Closing credits. This show is over.
Thanks for sticking around for a spell.
Good night.