30 days meme; day 7 "Best Friend"
Dear Person Who Wrote The Prompts,
Regretfully, I must point out an error in your list. You've made "friend" singular. Surely you, the person who came up with this lovely meme, did not mean to so restrict the prompt. Surely you did not mean to imply that each person has just one best friend. I believe it is common knowledge that the opposite is the case. It can't just be me.
I hope that you understand that this letter is not meant to criticize, merely to point out a small error in your otherwise well-written meme. I assume that you will rectify the error as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will answer the prompt in the plural, as you must have meant it.
Sincerely,
Devoken
There are two things that define a best friend for me: Someone whom I'm very close to (obviously), and someone whom I can always return to. Friendships wax and wane. That's life, but it's especially true for me, because one of the faults I have is that I sometimes let things fade. I get distracted or scared or hermity, or some combination thereof. I struggle with it, but it's often a losing battle, especially if I am in a trough when it comes to my emotional state. This might be the thing I hate the most about myself.
That all means that I've had a bunch of best friends. Some fade, others grow in their place - further proof that I incredibly lucky. You know what else is proof? The friends who come back, the friends who, when I re-meet them, are willing to pick up where we left off. If letting friendships fade is something I detest in myself, my ability to return to friendship, whether I faded or they did, is something I'm a little proud of.
I've written up little bios of some of the best friends I've had. This is not even close to the full list; that would take more than a day to write and besides, no one would read it, because the length would be intimidating. There is no rank associated with this, either. If you are not on it, it's not because you're not my best friends, not even because I might have a better best friend. I don't. The people I consider my best friends are all equal. I'm just writing about these ones
Excluding family and relationship partners, here's a small sampling of my best friends, roughly in chronological order:
Banana Curls:
We became friends when I was 2 and she was 3. Admittedly, it's kind of hard to truly make a friend when you're that young. Perhaps it would be better to say that our mothers became friends and we just got swept up in that. Still, we grew up together and had an incredibly deep bond. If I had something to tell, I could tell her, and she was always first. We brought her on almost all of our family outings and parties. She was my sister, really. We drifted apart in our teenage years. Sure, we still spent a lot of time together, and always went to each other's parties, but it wasn't the same. There were other people we turned to first. Then, in the past year we reconnected. Turns out that, despite years of separation and vastly different life experiences, we love the same stuff and have really similar perspectives on things. Weird, huh?
Darling Wife:
Before we start, no, I am not married. It's just a nickname.
Remember GLASS, that place I mentioned in my "First Love" post? I met Darling Wife there, too. I walked in the door and there she was, sitting on the couch being hot. Attempting to be discreet and nonchalant, but probably acting like a 12 year old boy, I headed over to that same couch. As I was desperately trying to think of something to say I noticed that she was eating chocolate. Not just any chocolate, either, she was eating a Lindt orange-and-dark chocolate bar. It was a miracle from the gods (or chance, which is really more my style), because I loved that kind of chocolate bar, so we had a connection! Being very original, I said "You have good taste in chocolate." She said "Thanks. I'm treating myself because I just broke up with someone." At that my hopes deflated. It seemed wrong to hit on her so soon after a break-up.
We became friends, though. After all, she did have good taste in chocolate; I couldn't just let her pass me by. When I got my first apartment she was there all the time, which was awesome. I moved, though, moved in with my then-boyfriend, and Darling Wife and I lost touch. She was dating my ex-roommate who didn't like me anymore, I was dating a Republican. Three years later Darling Wife and I found each other again. It was as if we'd never taken a hiatus from each other. She helped me through a really tough year, and when that tough year ended and I left the apartment I shared with my asshole ex, she let me stay with her for a month. That was when she became Darling Wife. We've since lost touch again, though. I sincerely hope we can do that easy reconnecting thing again.
Polygon:
He was my roommate for a while. We shared a crappy apartment, along with my then-boyfriend and a guy who meowed in the bathroom. (Luckily, that guy left soon.) We bonded over video games, books, D&D, cooking and horror stories about exes. In fact, it might be easier to simply say that we bonded over living together. I could not have chosen a better person to share an apartment with - living with him brought me joy. Sounds sappy, I know, but I was literally always happy to see him. He moved out eventually, to move in with the woman he later married. She's pretty awesome.
We lost touch when I became an asshole. More truthfully, when I became more depressed than I had been in years. I spent a few months retreating from the world. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't go anywhere. I barely got out of bed. All of my energy went to getting to work, because I didn't want to lose my job. And yeah, I was depressed. But also an asshole. Polygon didn't let me go, though. When I stopped returning his calls he emailed. When I didn't return his emails he IMed. When I stopped going online he tracked down my work number and called and called until he caught me on shift. The first words out of his mouth were "What the hell is going on?" I didn't have a good excuse, and I was a little scared because of that, but we made plans to get together the next evening. He cooked me dinner, asked his wife to give us some space, and then, just as I was preparing to offer my abject apologies but explain that I couldn't explain, he hugged me. He just hugged me and said that he couldn't lose me. He knew, without me telling him, how often I'd considered suicide over the months. He said that he would always be there, no matter how weak or stupid I felt, but that my feelings weren't weak or stupid. I have rarely felt so grateful, so relieved.
Tea and Milk:
We met at UMass Boston, in the library. I sat at the same table every night, doing my homework until the library closed. Tea and Milk was usually also there. I spent the most time on my pre-cal homework, what with having the hardest professor in the Math department. One day Tea and Milk came up to me and said "Comenetz?" - my professor's name. Apparently he was a math tutor and had recognized my homework, because almost everyone in the class had gone to Support Services for help with it. Being very nice, he helped me, and at the end of the night offered to drive me home. "If you don't mind?" he said. Mind? Did I mind? He was the one offering me a ride. I should have been asking that question. Instead, I accepted as gratefully as I could. (I learned later that the "if you don't mind" phrasing was common in Hindi, his native language, said whenever you were offering someone something.)
For the rest of the semester we worked together at the library, 3 nights a week, every week. It wasn't a tutor-student thing, we just spent the time together. He introduced me to a bunch of his other friends, all from Mumbai, (he was from Bangladesh, though.), and we made ourselves into a little study group. Sometimes they would drag me to see Bollywood films, or make me real Indian food. ("Not that shit you've been eating at the restaurants here.") I didn't finish the next semester, though, and I was too ashamed to talk about it with Tea and Milk. You see, I dropped out because of my asshole ex. He complained about how much time I spending at college and how it wasn't fair to him, etc., etc. I was trying so hard to make him feel appreciated and thought of, but it wasn't enough. The fact that I dropped out for him is hard to admit. I'm just so ashamed of it. I didn't talk about it to anyone, and that's how I lost touch with Tea and Milk. We haven't reconnected since.
Gungnir:
His ex-girlfriend went to college with my ex-boyfriend. In fact, of our mutual crowd (him, me, our respective exes and 4 of our other friends) only 3 didn't go to that college. (Him, me and Polygon.) The crowd formed by gaming together, (D&D 3.5, Living Kingdoms of Kalamar), which is how I met Gungnir. We became friends thanks to Buffy, though. I was visiting him in NYC, where he lives, and we got out of the house so that his girlfriend could finish a paper. As we were walking around I mentioned Once More, With Feeling, assuming he'd seen it. He hadn't - in fact, he didn't even know what it was. He did have season 6 at home, though, and I insisted that we return to his apartment to watch it. We got ~30 seconds in before he paused it and printed out the lyrics so we could sing along. Sing along we did - 3 times through. We were halfway through a 4th rendition when other friends showed up and we had to stop.
A couple of months later, Gungnir and his girlfriend broke up. Almost everyone in our circle of friends dropped him immediately. Aside from myself and Polygon, they had a far deeper connection with his ex-girlfriend. I certainly wasn't going to drop him, though. In the months since we'd had our musical day he had become really important to me. I sent him an email, saying that I'd like to stay friends, if he was willing. He was, thankfully, and the next weekend I visited him.
I don't have words to explain what happened over that weekend. Our friendship was cemented, and we connected, sure... but it was more than that. In the space of two days he became closer to me than anything, really. After I got back home I spoke to him for more than an hour every day, and they were the best hours of my day. It was a rough year for me; my relationship was disintegrating, I had a lot pressing down on me, my parents became worse, I blamed myself for all of it. Gungnir kept me going. I suspect he kept me here.
Truth be told, he's hard to talk about. Partly its the limitations of language, but partly because of Gungnir himself. My feelings about him are complicated.
I lost touch with Gungnir the same way I lost with Polygon. He tried to contact me for a long time. Finally he called my parents to ask me if I was okay. They told him I was. After that he stopped calling. After I was out of the woods - a long time after he stopped calling - I gathered my courage and emailed him. Immediately after I hit send I had a panic attack - one of just two in my lifetime. You see, before I emailed him I could believe that we'd always be friends if I just contacted. Now that I'd taken that step, I had to accept that he might not want my friendship anymore. He did, though, albeit warily. It's taken a lot to build back the trust I destroyed, and we've got farther to go. I'm grateful every day for the opportunity, though.
Sunbeam:
Sunbeam's house has a guest room, but for a while it was called Devoken's room. I can't count the days/evenings/nights I spent with her and Penguin and Sarcasm. They were all my family, but especially Sunbeam. We met at an ASL class and she just folded me into her life. I was so grateful. So pleased, really, because her life is made of awesome. But then I just stopped going over. I don't know why. As I was writing this post this afternoon, though, I thought of her and called her. So we reconnected tonight, over Kung Fu Panda and dinner.
Oh, and if anyone is wondering why this meanders and is poorly edited, it's because I didn't edit it, what with only finishing it at 11:58pm.
Regretfully, I must point out an error in your list. You've made "friend" singular. Surely you, the person who came up with this lovely meme, did not mean to so restrict the prompt. Surely you did not mean to imply that each person has just one best friend. I believe it is common knowledge that the opposite is the case. It can't just be me.
I hope that you understand that this letter is not meant to criticize, merely to point out a small error in your otherwise well-written meme. I assume that you will rectify the error as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will answer the prompt in the plural, as you must have meant it.
Sincerely,
Devoken
There are two things that define a best friend for me: Someone whom I'm very close to (obviously), and someone whom I can always return to. Friendships wax and wane. That's life, but it's especially true for me, because one of the faults I have is that I sometimes let things fade. I get distracted or scared or hermity, or some combination thereof. I struggle with it, but it's often a losing battle, especially if I am in a trough when it comes to my emotional state. This might be the thing I hate the most about myself.
That all means that I've had a bunch of best friends. Some fade, others grow in their place - further proof that I incredibly lucky. You know what else is proof? The friends who come back, the friends who, when I re-meet them, are willing to pick up where we left off. If letting friendships fade is something I detest in myself, my ability to return to friendship, whether I faded or they did, is something I'm a little proud of.
I've written up little bios of some of the best friends I've had. This is not even close to the full list; that would take more than a day to write and besides, no one would read it, because the length would be intimidating. There is no rank associated with this, either. If you are not on it, it's not because you're not my best friends, not even because I might have a better best friend. I don't. The people I consider my best friends are all equal. I'm just writing about these ones
Excluding family and relationship partners, here's a small sampling of my best friends, roughly in chronological order:
Banana Curls:
We became friends when I was 2 and she was 3. Admittedly, it's kind of hard to truly make a friend when you're that young. Perhaps it would be better to say that our mothers became friends and we just got swept up in that. Still, we grew up together and had an incredibly deep bond. If I had something to tell, I could tell her, and she was always first. We brought her on almost all of our family outings and parties. She was my sister, really. We drifted apart in our teenage years. Sure, we still spent a lot of time together, and always went to each other's parties, but it wasn't the same. There were other people we turned to first. Then, in the past year we reconnected. Turns out that, despite years of separation and vastly different life experiences, we love the same stuff and have really similar perspectives on things. Weird, huh?
Darling Wife:
Before we start, no, I am not married. It's just a nickname.
Remember GLASS, that place I mentioned in my "First Love" post? I met Darling Wife there, too. I walked in the door and there she was, sitting on the couch being hot. Attempting to be discreet and nonchalant, but probably acting like a 12 year old boy, I headed over to that same couch. As I was desperately trying to think of something to say I noticed that she was eating chocolate. Not just any chocolate, either, she was eating a Lindt orange-and-dark chocolate bar. It was a miracle from the gods (or chance, which is really more my style), because I loved that kind of chocolate bar, so we had a connection! Being very original, I said "You have good taste in chocolate." She said "Thanks. I'm treating myself because I just broke up with someone." At that my hopes deflated. It seemed wrong to hit on her so soon after a break-up.
We became friends, though. After all, she did have good taste in chocolate; I couldn't just let her pass me by. When I got my first apartment she was there all the time, which was awesome. I moved, though, moved in with my then-boyfriend, and Darling Wife and I lost touch. She was dating my ex-roommate who didn't like me anymore, I was dating a Republican. Three years later Darling Wife and I found each other again. It was as if we'd never taken a hiatus from each other. She helped me through a really tough year, and when that tough year ended and I left the apartment I shared with my asshole ex, she let me stay with her for a month. That was when she became Darling Wife. We've since lost touch again, though. I sincerely hope we can do that easy reconnecting thing again.
Polygon:
He was my roommate for a while. We shared a crappy apartment, along with my then-boyfriend and a guy who meowed in the bathroom. (Luckily, that guy left soon.) We bonded over video games, books, D&D, cooking and horror stories about exes. In fact, it might be easier to simply say that we bonded over living together. I could not have chosen a better person to share an apartment with - living with him brought me joy. Sounds sappy, I know, but I was literally always happy to see him. He moved out eventually, to move in with the woman he later married. She's pretty awesome.
We lost touch when I became an asshole. More truthfully, when I became more depressed than I had been in years. I spent a few months retreating from the world. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't go anywhere. I barely got out of bed. All of my energy went to getting to work, because I didn't want to lose my job. And yeah, I was depressed. But also an asshole. Polygon didn't let me go, though. When I stopped returning his calls he emailed. When I didn't return his emails he IMed. When I stopped going online he tracked down my work number and called and called until he caught me on shift. The first words out of his mouth were "What the hell is going on?" I didn't have a good excuse, and I was a little scared because of that, but we made plans to get together the next evening. He cooked me dinner, asked his wife to give us some space, and then, just as I was preparing to offer my abject apologies but explain that I couldn't explain, he hugged me. He just hugged me and said that he couldn't lose me. He knew, without me telling him, how often I'd considered suicide over the months. He said that he would always be there, no matter how weak or stupid I felt, but that my feelings weren't weak or stupid. I have rarely felt so grateful, so relieved.
Tea and Milk:
We met at UMass Boston, in the library. I sat at the same table every night, doing my homework until the library closed. Tea and Milk was usually also there. I spent the most time on my pre-cal homework, what with having the hardest professor in the Math department. One day Tea and Milk came up to me and said "Comenetz?" - my professor's name. Apparently he was a math tutor and had recognized my homework, because almost everyone in the class had gone to Support Services for help with it. Being very nice, he helped me, and at the end of the night offered to drive me home. "If you don't mind?" he said. Mind? Did I mind? He was the one offering me a ride. I should have been asking that question. Instead, I accepted as gratefully as I could. (I learned later that the "if you don't mind" phrasing was common in Hindi, his native language, said whenever you were offering someone something.)
For the rest of the semester we worked together at the library, 3 nights a week, every week. It wasn't a tutor-student thing, we just spent the time together. He introduced me to a bunch of his other friends, all from Mumbai, (he was from Bangladesh, though.), and we made ourselves into a little study group. Sometimes they would drag me to see Bollywood films, or make me real Indian food. ("Not that shit you've been eating at the restaurants here.") I didn't finish the next semester, though, and I was too ashamed to talk about it with Tea and Milk. You see, I dropped out because of my asshole ex. He complained about how much time I spending at college and how it wasn't fair to him, etc., etc. I was trying so hard to make him feel appreciated and thought of, but it wasn't enough. The fact that I dropped out for him is hard to admit. I'm just so ashamed of it. I didn't talk about it to anyone, and that's how I lost touch with Tea and Milk. We haven't reconnected since.
Gungnir:
His ex-girlfriend went to college with my ex-boyfriend. In fact, of our mutual crowd (him, me, our respective exes and 4 of our other friends) only 3 didn't go to that college. (Him, me and Polygon.) The crowd formed by gaming together, (D&D 3.5, Living Kingdoms of Kalamar), which is how I met Gungnir. We became friends thanks to Buffy, though. I was visiting him in NYC, where he lives, and we got out of the house so that his girlfriend could finish a paper. As we were walking around I mentioned Once More, With Feeling, assuming he'd seen it. He hadn't - in fact, he didn't even know what it was. He did have season 6 at home, though, and I insisted that we return to his apartment to watch it. We got ~30 seconds in before he paused it and printed out the lyrics so we could sing along. Sing along we did - 3 times through. We were halfway through a 4th rendition when other friends showed up and we had to stop.
A couple of months later, Gungnir and his girlfriend broke up. Almost everyone in our circle of friends dropped him immediately. Aside from myself and Polygon, they had a far deeper connection with his ex-girlfriend. I certainly wasn't going to drop him, though. In the months since we'd had our musical day he had become really important to me. I sent him an email, saying that I'd like to stay friends, if he was willing. He was, thankfully, and the next weekend I visited him.
I don't have words to explain what happened over that weekend. Our friendship was cemented, and we connected, sure... but it was more than that. In the space of two days he became closer to me than anything, really. After I got back home I spoke to him for more than an hour every day, and they were the best hours of my day. It was a rough year for me; my relationship was disintegrating, I had a lot pressing down on me, my parents became worse, I blamed myself for all of it. Gungnir kept me going. I suspect he kept me here.
Truth be told, he's hard to talk about. Partly its the limitations of language, but partly because of Gungnir himself. My feelings about him are complicated.
I lost touch with Gungnir the same way I lost with Polygon. He tried to contact me for a long time. Finally he called my parents to ask me if I was okay. They told him I was. After that he stopped calling. After I was out of the woods - a long time after he stopped calling - I gathered my courage and emailed him. Immediately after I hit send I had a panic attack - one of just two in my lifetime. You see, before I emailed him I could believe that we'd always be friends if I just contacted. Now that I'd taken that step, I had to accept that he might not want my friendship anymore. He did, though, albeit warily. It's taken a lot to build back the trust I destroyed, and we've got farther to go. I'm grateful every day for the opportunity, though.
Sunbeam:
Sunbeam's house has a guest room, but for a while it was called Devoken's room. I can't count the days/evenings/nights I spent with her and Penguin and Sarcasm. They were all my family, but especially Sunbeam. We met at an ASL class and she just folded me into her life. I was so grateful. So pleased, really, because her life is made of awesome. But then I just stopped going over. I don't know why. As I was writing this post this afternoon, though, I thought of her and called her. So we reconnected tonight, over Kung Fu Panda and dinner.
Oh, and if anyone is wondering why this meanders and is poorly edited, it's because I didn't edit it, what with only finishing it at 11:58pm.