Finals over ... time for some mulling

[devman2007]

So I just got back from my last final of the semester. I am official done with my freshmen year of college. I feel really good about that achievement. It doesn't seem like this year should be over yet, but I am so relieved that it is. There are a few tests I'd like to have back because I could have done better but all in all, I did my best all things considered and have reached the break. Almost 4 months until I even have to think about writing another paper or studying for another test. But I'm not going to kid myself that this means that my stress level will go down. Now I get to move home, which will be a challenge in and of itself, and deal with things there. I have to re-adjust to curfews and rules, not to mention a completely different time schedule. I really need to find a job so that I can afford to drive my van and make up the possible gap in my support for Irelan. My surgery is getting closer and closer, which will consistently be on my mind. And then there's my romantic life or lack there of. I would love nothing more than to go home and restart a relationship with Tyler. We were so good together and, since we've both matured and grown in our faith, I think it would only be better this time around. But there are so many people who won't remember how happy I was with Tyler but will only remember the pain that he caused when we split. And I will agree with them, the split was messy and heart-breaking. But there was so many other things going on at the same time that I can't  put all the blame on Tyler. I have to take a good deal of the blame because I refuse to give him up and tried to hang onto him when things were so clearly blowing up. My friends and family get some blame as well because of their personal non-related struggles as well as their deception. And Tyler does get some of the blame as well because he did make some bad decisions and wasn't honest with me about things. Looking back, I think the biggest problem with our relationship was that neither of us were mature enough to handle things we were facing. We had let God slip out of our relationship, gotten selfish, and were being stupid. But we were so young too. I truly believe that even if Tyler is the one God has for me (and I'm not saying that I even think that right now), it is a good thing that we split up when we did because it allowed me to grow up and do things I never would have done had we stayed together. Ultimately, I guess I just need to place everything back into God's hands. He knows what's going on and what's going to happen and the best thing is that He has my best interests at heart ALL the time. So I'll keep my head on my shoulders, continue this friendship with Tyler, not push anything, but allow things to progress. And if it comes to it, maybe Tyler and I will give us another go. And maybe when I come back next year I'll meet someone new. Or maybe God just wants me to keep waiting. Whatever His plan, I just need to patiently submit myself to Him. I pray that God will give me the strength and the courage to do just that.

SUMMER BREAK '08!!!! Yay!