(no subject)
I feel like its spring with the way that romance is blossoming around here. I hope for my friends' sakes that its not just summer fling-age. I, on the other hand, am quite lonely but not depressed for some reason. Its more that I'm looking to fill the shoes of the once loved man in my life, but the thing is, I don't really want to, I've just trained myself to do so, and therefore am lost as to what to do with myself.
What I really want is to spend time advancing my education. Maybe going back to my physics books and reviewing what I spend four years of college on. Possibly going back to school, or studying a new language to get my mind moving again. Why is it that we just insist on doing what we have to do and not what we want to do? I say work is important, but life is more important. I'm sorry my boss thinks that I'm not nearly as ambitious as she thinks I should be. But things just don't mean that much to me here. I do what I'm told and I do it well. I also don't want to screw things up and overstep my bounds as I have two bosses and answering to both of them gets tiring (as they tend to want different things...freakin' women I tell you). Anyway, point being is work isn't everything and in my lifetime it never will be. I work to live, but I live to do other things like sing, write, enjoy nature, music, and philosophy, etcetera. I am a mess in every sense of the word. Ambition is something completely foreign to me because I don't understand the need to waste my life doing something just because it needs to be done and not because its something I want to do. There is so much about my job that I love, but there is so much more that I don't get the opportunity to do because I am a lowly assistant that I feel wasted sometimes. I understand that the point of the discussion I had with my boss today was to get me to a point where I'm not being wasted, but there is that blurry area in the middle where I just can't say, "I think that that is a really bad idea" or "you people need to get on the fucking ball and do this now" because I am afterall just a lowly assistant here to badger and berate. Ah life, I do not wish to waste thee on trifles of power and money. Give me the hermit life...loneliness to a heightened degree...zarathustra found himself when he took to hermitage; could it be the same for me? I wonder. But I do not long for followers (disciples if you will), I do not want to achieve the Superman...just something other than what I am. Could there be a middle ground?
What I really want is to spend time advancing my education. Maybe going back to my physics books and reviewing what I spend four years of college on. Possibly going back to school, or studying a new language to get my mind moving again. Why is it that we just insist on doing what we have to do and not what we want to do? I say work is important, but life is more important. I'm sorry my boss thinks that I'm not nearly as ambitious as she thinks I should be. But things just don't mean that much to me here. I do what I'm told and I do it well. I also don't want to screw things up and overstep my bounds as I have two bosses and answering to both of them gets tiring (as they tend to want different things...freakin' women I tell you). Anyway, point being is work isn't everything and in my lifetime it never will be. I work to live, but I live to do other things like sing, write, enjoy nature, music, and philosophy, etcetera. I am a mess in every sense of the word. Ambition is something completely foreign to me because I don't understand the need to waste my life doing something just because it needs to be done and not because its something I want to do. There is so much about my job that I love, but there is so much more that I don't get the opportunity to do because I am a lowly assistant that I feel wasted sometimes. I understand that the point of the discussion I had with my boss today was to get me to a point where I'm not being wasted, but there is that blurry area in the middle where I just can't say, "I think that that is a really bad idea" or "you people need to get on the fucking ball and do this now" because I am afterall just a lowly assistant here to badger and berate. Ah life, I do not wish to waste thee on trifles of power and money. Give me the hermit life...loneliness to a heightened degree...zarathustra found himself when he took to hermitage; could it be the same for me? I wonder. But I do not long for followers (disciples if you will), I do not want to achieve the Superman...just something other than what I am. Could there be a middle ground?