time. what a bitch.

[devised]

hurts to think this time last year i was gearing up to get married to the only girl i have ever felt like i actually wanted to go threw it with. it was also about this time last year that i left rudd and diamond, thus leaving myself to fall into a sick depression that drove her and everyone else away. looking back at all of it now, its so easy to see what i should have done and the mistakes all seem so clear. fucking hell. it was a great time in tennesee, it was so beautiful to see her smile full of joy and wonder. i wanted to make things better. i guess she beat me to it. sure here i am remeniscing in what was, obsessing on what could have been. who knows where life will take me now. i'm trying to take care of myself but i always fall into those self destructive habbits we all have. i wonder how shes doing. i wonder if she misses me.

pointless hook ups and meaningless sex is all i have to look forward to right now. theres nothing that appeals to me. women have a way of making me feel insufficient ad unbearable. she didnt. she does now. she used to think the world of me. she wanted me to take her out and show her the world and all the things i had learnt. all i showed her was that i was afraid of the world. that i was too caught up in my own fears and insecurities.

i never meant to do any of that.
i just wanted to show you how much i care about you.
i always thought you would show me your world and your heart, and we would find the life we wanted within eachother, within the way we made eachother feel.

too bad.