Mirror, Mirror...
Ever stood naked and looked at yourself in the mirror? I mean really, really took a good look at yourself all the imperfections, the contours, the possible scars and hue of your skin... have you ever just stood there and stared into your own eyes? What do you see? Are you satisfied with what stares back, is it a constant feeling of satisfaction? Or do you sometimes look at yourself and feel a sense of lack... of your ownself saying not good enough.
Some days I'm satisfied, some days I'm not. Other days I actually try to lie to myself, occasionally it works. But not always. I admit there have been key never forgetable moments that I've wanted to smash every mirror in my house, plus anything else that offered a reflection of myself... for the most part such moments are past me or so I thought.
Today they came creeping up with the stealth of a perfect predator, watching... waiting for that perfect second in which I would be oblivious, in which to take me down. It happened without warning and when I looked in the mirror that feeling, that fear roared through my very being red hot and unresistant.
I stopped. I stared.
I wanted to scream.
I didn't like what I saw staring back at me, I recognized her, but I didn't like her. Why? Why this sudden burning rage and hate against myself... I wanted to ask myself what I had done wrong, but I knew what the answer would be, so I walked away. I walked away from myself, I went to church haunted by this sensation that had gripped me, I felt sure to drown in the bevy of emotions that welled inside. I needed desperately to think, to sort things out and discover the reasons for this... this hatred I felt. Nothing came, nothing has.
And now I cannot face myself... I cannot look into my own eyes for the fear is great within me. I know if I look that it will roar through me again until I hunt down and figure out why, why I suddenly feel this way and to what measures I must go to fix it.
I thought, I believed I knew who I am, but maybe... just maybe I was wrong somewhere, so terribly wrong. I'm fine, I feel okay as long as I don't look at her, but even a quick glance to a mirror and I feel troubled and a heated desire to break the damned mirror.
Some days I'm satisfied, some days I'm not. Other days I actually try to lie to myself, occasionally it works. But not always. I admit there have been key never forgetable moments that I've wanted to smash every mirror in my house, plus anything else that offered a reflection of myself... for the most part such moments are past me or so I thought.
Today they came creeping up with the stealth of a perfect predator, watching... waiting for that perfect second in which I would be oblivious, in which to take me down. It happened without warning and when I looked in the mirror that feeling, that fear roared through my very being red hot and unresistant.
I stopped. I stared.
I wanted to scream.
I didn't like what I saw staring back at me, I recognized her, but I didn't like her. Why? Why this sudden burning rage and hate against myself... I wanted to ask myself what I had done wrong, but I knew what the answer would be, so I walked away. I walked away from myself, I went to church haunted by this sensation that had gripped me, I felt sure to drown in the bevy of emotions that welled inside. I needed desperately to think, to sort things out and discover the reasons for this... this hatred I felt. Nothing came, nothing has.
And now I cannot face myself... I cannot look into my own eyes for the fear is great within me. I know if I look that it will roar through me again until I hunt down and figure out why, why I suddenly feel this way and to what measures I must go to fix it.
I thought, I believed I knew who I am, but maybe... just maybe I was wrong somewhere, so terribly wrong. I'm fine, I feel okay as long as I don't look at her, but even a quick glance to a mirror and I feel troubled and a heated desire to break the damned mirror.