(no subject)
02:29pm 19/03/2005
music: too many to count
I guess I've learned something from all of this.
That's what you're supposed to say after you cry your eyes out until you want to have your eyes shrivel out. Because then crying won't seem stupid, or useless. Because you know the reason you cry is stupid, but it makes you feel so much better afterwards. Because, hey, there you go. You've done it. It's over now. And then it starts up again at the edge of your eyes and then suddenly your heart's on fire because someone lit it with a match and forgot to put it out.
So I have learned something from all of this, and it's nothing good, and it might just change. You have to go on.
Every morning, you've got to feel that treasure chest heavying your heart down because you want something so badly you'll want to kill for it, and then you've got to wake up and breathe. Soft, sweet, slow, there, there.
It's really not going to be okay. You will fucking die inside sometimes. You will not want to live. You will want to lash out and punch everything in sight and just curl up in bed and listen to Mariah Carey because everything's so stupid and everything's just fucked up and everyone can go to hell. Then there are times you find peace, those times where you smile and exchange words and think, I have people. I do. I do. And then you're thinking inside, better tell them I love them before they leave, because they'll leave, goddamnit, that's what people do, and I need to tell them I love them just as much as they love me, even more.
People leave. They either take something with them or take everything. It's up to you to know how much.
Suddenly you're on the edge of the world, you've lost it all, and suddenly you want them to lose it all, hurt just as much. But then you get your sense back. Because revenge isn't what it's about. It's about self-esteem. And I've never had enough of it to tell when something's wrong with me. Self-esteem is my fault, but all the blame's not on me. I am not the victim, I am not the predator, but the world's messed me up just as much as I've messed myself up.
I've never had the right kind of self-esteem. Not the kind that tells you I can live without people or things. Not the kind where you pick yourself up every fucking time you're on the ground, praying to God. I've never had that. I've had arrogance. Arrogance is what's led me along. It's the false kind of self-esteem, the kind you talk to yourself about and get nowhere. Hey, it's something. It's not the best respect to my mind, but it's the thing that sweetens it the most.
I can tell myself things, but without self-esteem, I won't be able to believe it without checking twice. So for this year, God. Let's have something besides the materialistic. Let's give me something I've needed all my entire life, that I should've had but was never given and could never make. Give me my self-esteem. That thing that'll make me tick just as nicely but less painfully, that thing that'll lead me along and have real strength.
I am asking it for this year. I think fourteen years is long enough. I think so, I think so. I know so, I know so.
Other people have it, and some don't deserve it as much. I've lived without it for a while, but I think I need it now. It's the thing I need most of all.
Meme.
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