gotta love the holidays...
alrite... so its 10:16 on xmas eve, and i couldnt feel any more depressed. with everything goin on, it just doesnt feel like christmas this year. its rly sad when ur mom has to borrow money from ur brother to get xmas gifts. then to have to spend the holidays alone sucks even more. i would do anything just to be with this one person, but for some reason, im not good enough, and i never will be. i love those greeting like merry christmas, and happy holidays. whats so merry and happy about it? seriously. so u get a week off of school, and u get gifts, but thats it. theres no real meaning to christmas anymore. its bad enough u have to celebrate it alone, but when u share it with ppl u dont like is even worse. ppl wonder y i drink. i drink to make life bearable. im sick of not being good enough...i mean i get it, and ill be the first to admit im not that pretty, im certainly am not rich, and im not popular. i wouldnt mind if i was those things... yes i know the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side, but it usually isnt. but fuck, i want the chance to be able to see it myself. you know i dont wonder why girls get pregnant in high school, its not because they love the person they get pregnant with, its because they want someone who will love them back no matter what. no matter if u fuck up alot err anything. thats y i cant understand y ppl will kill their baby. if u didnt, the baby will love u more than any1 else can, and never stop. i want that. i want some1 to love me, but i think every1 wants that, and those that dont, its prolly because they already have it. yet, idk... id like to believe that every1 has that capability, but to be honest, i know they dont. what im sick of the most, is not being able to have everythin i want. i realize that sounds selfish, but like my mom said last night " just once, i want to have a rly kick ass christmas". id be happy if i just could spend it with some1 that i love, and loves me back. i know who that person is, only he just doesnt love me back. i actually think hes embarrassed by me. which sucks to have to know that, but im sure its the truth. i think that if he wasnt embarrassed by me, and gave me a week, i could get him to like me, and eventually love me. but he wont give me the time of day. imagine how that feels, and have to come to terms with that around this time of year. which is y i drink. i like the way it makes me feel when im drunk. i forget about everythin, and live in the moment. i feel like im on top of the world when im drunk. idk anymore.
