about life?
ok... so schools only been out for almost 2 weeks... and nothing exciting has happened. I kno that i still have the whole summer but really... i gotta do volunteer 2 get into national honor society and read like 4 books, and dont get me wrong... I love to read... i just dont like it being forced on me. Besides i have no boyfriend... yes potential hookups... but where is that gonna get me? ive realized that i become obsessed whenever i get involve w/ someone or something... hense my fall out boy obsession. I tend to become overbearing and clingy... which obviously isnt good. So i was talkin to this guy... his name is sam, and hes in a band. He is actually intelligent so we can talk about somethin important rather than partying or whatever. And hes not too terrible looking... im told looks arent everything, but then what person doesnt consider another w/o considerin their looks even just a little? absolutely no one... So anyways, idk, he seems nice, and i might be attending his show at infinity on july 29 for battle of the bands... so i have til then to lose a lil weight b.c. its begining to show, and get him to like me, so i can have a boyfriend, and i guess that sounds bad, but w.e. Im sick of being alone, and like i said earlier i do have a few potential hookups, but i see where that gets ppl, it gets them stds, bad looks, and a low self-esteem, and i dont want that for me. besides if i hook up w/ ppl then it allows for me to become attached and want them just for me, and if theyre hookups, then they just dont want to be with me, but theres nothing new with that. I already know im not good enough for anyone. Which is a little pathetic if you ask me, b.c. im not even good enough for my own father to want to be with me. Hed rather have his drugs, and his skanky-ass girlfriend rather than his own kid. Now most ppl would either say, well drug addiction is hard to overcome, or its his lost and some other bullshit thats suppose to make me feel better, wen it comes down to it, im not good enough or special enough for my own father to want to spend time with me. So thats the story on that. I tried running to lose weight, which did happen, but i gained more muscle so my weight go up, which is stupid. But i rly do have to lose some weight only b.c. my sister who is 3 years older, weighs less, and theres something wrong w/ that. It really bothers me wen ppl say "why do you have to lose weight? you're so little!", i wanna b like, wtf, if i dont like the way i look, y cant i just use some healthy ways to lose the weight? if it was a dangerous way of doin it, then i guess i understand. But youre not the one who cant stand to look at yourself in the mirror, and want to literally claw your skin off, now are you? I think i have issues w/ compliments... Wen people compliment me, i act weird. For example, wen people say "oh your makeup looks good today!", i feel like replying i do my makeup the same way everyday so ur saying that i look shitty any other day right? see theres something wrong with that. So idk. Im suppose to b goin 2 the square this thurs... but i feel like do somethin special to celebrate my grades, b.c. they were better than ever this quarter, besides i gotta get my partying out before school starts, b.c. next year is gonna be crazy, since its my last year. I think i just want something exciting to happen, but whats gonna happen to an ordinary 16 y/o in west seneca? I mean come on, really? I read about this guy chris, who is an amazing writer (if you ever get the chance to read his stuff, DO IT!!) and how he is going to europe and australia and all that, and im quite envious, i wish i could go to europe and all that. I think i just an adventure, but who doesnt? anyways... i think im done whining about my life, thanks for putting up with it.