"Legend" my ass
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak
Starring Kristin Kreuk, Neal McDonough, Chris Klein, Michael Clarke Duncan, Taboo, Moon Bloodgood
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and martial arts action, and some sensuality
Synopsis:
Who gives a shit.
Review:
I thought I had seen it all. Potatoes chips being eaten to opera, tap dancing on DDR, and an eagle throwing a goat. I don't claim to know everything. But I know what's right and wrong. And what is wrong in the world today was somehow managed to be compressed into a 95 minute shit storm. More commonly known as, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.
Those who stand for anti-gun laws may find a new enemy in this newest videogame rape to hit the silver screen. I say this because it's so bad, it just might inspire Congress to legalize guns in movie theaters so you can blow your brains out. Like a failed offspring sullying its family name, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li's only success is in lowering the expectations of videogame movies even lower, which previously was thought to be impossible. It's definitely not the movie Street Fighter fans have been clamoring for, but maybe that's because Street Fighter fans haven't really been clamoring for a movie.
The story, or some resemblance thereof, is based around the character Chun-Li from the videogame Street Fighter. And already, off on the wrong foot. Some people jump to conclusions and assume that I meant the gender part, when actually the problem is the character itself. Chun-Li has no backstory, she's a detective tracking down an underground criminal known as Bison. That's all, and if it weren't for her investigation, we would have never met the main characters of the franchise, Ryu and Ken. Making a movie about Chun-Li is almost like making a movie about Pac-Man, that's how little a story there was to begin with. So why is there a story at all in THIS movie?
Well, as the movie plods along, we find out that this Chun-Li is actually a musician, and she's tracking down Bison for killing her dad. It was at this moment, that I realized just how bad this movie was going to be, which is ironic, because I had that same realization every 5 minutes. 95 minute running time / 5 minutes = 19 ball-busting realizations! There should be a health warning before the movie starts.
So not only is Chun-Li cast wrong, but so is Bison, the main villain. Instead of a GIGANTIC lumbering man with psychic abilities, he's a teeny little guy who barely fights at all, and is apparently Irish now. If you're still reading at this point, let me tell you, it's a lot harder to watch this thing in motion.
The movie then introduces Michael Clark Duncan as Balrog, who unlike the rest of his cast, physically fits the role of Bison's bodyguard. The writers decided to have him in the back of the production unfortunately, as he shows up only to beat the crap out of the good guys. Bison's other bodyguard is the polar opposite: Not well casted OR portrayed, and given more screentime than (this version of) the character deserves. I am of course talking about Vega. This version of Vega is the middle finger to fans of the game. In the game, Vega was a tall blond Spaniard, who's vanity pushes him on the brink of insanity. He finds himself so attractive that he wears a mask to protect his face, and to preserve his beauty. He also wields three long blades on his arm. So, who did they cast as Vega for this shit fest? Taboo, the short black guy from Black Eyed Peas, complete with Party City-esque blades and the personality of a wet mop.
I have to give credit where it is due, and Robin Shou as Chun-Li's master Gen works really well. In the few fights he has, you can tell he hasn't aged a bit since his glory days as Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat and Chris Farley's brother in Beverly Hills Ninja. Sadly, he doesn't get much time to fight, because the movie thinks we give a shit about Chun-Li or Bison or any of the other misrepresented characters (I'm not even going to go into Charlie). But enough about the characters, let's look at the movie's core.
This movie could very well make history as being the first movie a blind person could go to. Chun-Li narrates every single goddamn thing she does. Her narration could be described as excruciating, if it weren't so laughable. Seriously, she narrates every little thing, including things that are blatantly occurring on the screen, as if she herself doesn't believe it until she hears herself. There's also this thing called the Order of the Web, and if you miss it the first time, have no fear: They only flashback to it thirty fucking times in the first half of the movie.
The movie is chock-full of entirely pointless scenes and dialogue, which if removed, would leave the movie with about a 40 minute running time, which would be much more forgivable then 95. Scenes like Chun-Li going clubbing to seduce Bison's cronies is not only pointless, but demeaning to the character. It practically screams "This is all that gamers want: bitches n' hoes n' pointless action scenes!", which isn't true. The backstories that a lot of the other characters have in the game are actually really good, considering it's a fighting game. But going back to the movie, I can't tell if the makers were TRYING to completely ruin the name and reputation of gamers everywhere, or if they honestly have never heard of Street Fighter. I first started pondering this when different characters would pronounce a name differently. Some say it "Shadolao", others "Shadaloo", and I could have sworn I heard "Shadow Law". FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT. Take two minutes, get together, and Google that shit. The movie's got tons of unimportant moments, but I can't very well spend this whole time describing 55 minutes' worth of unimpressive awkwardness.
I'm going to do you a favor, and show you the only good thing about this movie:
Why is this the only good thing? Because A) It looks cool, B) Great cast, and C) It's not Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li. Those two minutes were more enjoyable than the entire SF movie, and that's pretty pathetic when you keep in mind that they're actually TRYING.
The movie ends with promises of a sequel and mentioning Ryu's name (another thing no one seems to know how to say correctly). Hopefully the box office numbers and the nation's collected sound of uncomfortable groaning will deter them from doing it, or at the very very very least, hand if to a director who knows what he's doing, and actually gives a shit. Because otherwise, I don't either.
Street Figher: The Legend of Chun-Li is a 1 out of 10. Now I only need a few more for my Top 10 Worst Films ever.
Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak
Starring Kristin Kreuk, Neal McDonough, Chris Klein, Michael Clarke Duncan, Taboo, Moon Bloodgood
Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and martial arts action, and some sensuality
Synopsis:
Who gives a shit.
Review:
I thought I had seen it all. Potatoes chips being eaten to opera, tap dancing on DDR, and an eagle throwing a goat. I don't claim to know everything. But I know what's right and wrong. And what is wrong in the world today was somehow managed to be compressed into a 95 minute shit storm. More commonly known as, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.
Those who stand for anti-gun laws may find a new enemy in this newest videogame rape to hit the silver screen. I say this because it's so bad, it just might inspire Congress to legalize guns in movie theaters so you can blow your brains out. Like a failed offspring sullying its family name, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li's only success is in lowering the expectations of videogame movies even lower, which previously was thought to be impossible. It's definitely not the movie Street Fighter fans have been clamoring for, but maybe that's because Street Fighter fans haven't really been clamoring for a movie.
The story, or some resemblance thereof, is based around the character Chun-Li from the videogame Street Fighter. And already, off on the wrong foot. Some people jump to conclusions and assume that I meant the gender part, when actually the problem is the character itself. Chun-Li has no backstory, she's a detective tracking down an underground criminal known as Bison. That's all, and if it weren't for her investigation, we would have never met the main characters of the franchise, Ryu and Ken. Making a movie about Chun-Li is almost like making a movie about Pac-Man, that's how little a story there was to begin with. So why is there a story at all in THIS movie?
Well, as the movie plods along, we find out that this Chun-Li is actually a musician, and she's tracking down Bison for killing her dad. It was at this moment, that I realized just how bad this movie was going to be, which is ironic, because I had that same realization every 5 minutes. 95 minute running time / 5 minutes = 19 ball-busting realizations! There should be a health warning before the movie starts.
So not only is Chun-Li cast wrong, but so is Bison, the main villain. Instead of a GIGANTIC lumbering man with psychic abilities, he's a teeny little guy who barely fights at all, and is apparently Irish now. If you're still reading at this point, let me tell you, it's a lot harder to watch this thing in motion.
The movie then introduces Michael Clark Duncan as Balrog, who unlike the rest of his cast, physically fits the role of Bison's bodyguard. The writers decided to have him in the back of the production unfortunately, as he shows up only to beat the crap out of the good guys. Bison's other bodyguard is the polar opposite: Not well casted OR portrayed, and given more screentime than (this version of) the character deserves. I am of course talking about Vega. This version of Vega is the middle finger to fans of the game. In the game, Vega was a tall blond Spaniard, who's vanity pushes him on the brink of insanity. He finds himself so attractive that he wears a mask to protect his face, and to preserve his beauty. He also wields three long blades on his arm. So, who did they cast as Vega for this shit fest? Taboo, the short black guy from Black Eyed Peas, complete with Party City-esque blades and the personality of a wet mop.
I have to give credit where it is due, and Robin Shou as Chun-Li's master Gen works really well. In the few fights he has, you can tell he hasn't aged a bit since his glory days as Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat and Chris Farley's brother in Beverly Hills Ninja. Sadly, he doesn't get much time to fight, because the movie thinks we give a shit about Chun-Li or Bison or any of the other misrepresented characters (I'm not even going to go into Charlie). But enough about the characters, let's look at the movie's core.
This movie could very well make history as being the first movie a blind person could go to. Chun-Li narrates every single goddamn thing she does. Her narration could be described as excruciating, if it weren't so laughable. Seriously, she narrates every little thing, including things that are blatantly occurring on the screen, as if she herself doesn't believe it until she hears herself. There's also this thing called the Order of the Web, and if you miss it the first time, have no fear: They only flashback to it thirty fucking times in the first half of the movie.
The movie is chock-full of entirely pointless scenes and dialogue, which if removed, would leave the movie with about a 40 minute running time, which would be much more forgivable then 95. Scenes like Chun-Li going clubbing to seduce Bison's cronies is not only pointless, but demeaning to the character. It practically screams "This is all that gamers want: bitches n' hoes n' pointless action scenes!", which isn't true. The backstories that a lot of the other characters have in the game are actually really good, considering it's a fighting game. But going back to the movie, I can't tell if the makers were TRYING to completely ruin the name and reputation of gamers everywhere, or if they honestly have never heard of Street Fighter. I first started pondering this when different characters would pronounce a name differently. Some say it "Shadolao", others "Shadaloo", and I could have sworn I heard "Shadow Law". FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT. Take two minutes, get together, and Google that shit. The movie's got tons of unimportant moments, but I can't very well spend this whole time describing 55 minutes' worth of unimpressive awkwardness.
I'm going to do you a favor, and show you the only good thing about this movie:
Click to viewWhy is this the only good thing? Because A) It looks cool, B) Great cast, and C) It's not Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li. Those two minutes were more enjoyable than the entire SF movie, and that's pretty pathetic when you keep in mind that they're actually TRYING.
The movie ends with promises of a sequel and mentioning Ryu's name (another thing no one seems to know how to say correctly). Hopefully the box office numbers and the nation's collected sound of uncomfortable groaning will deter them from doing it, or at the very very very least, hand if to a director who knows what he's doing, and actually gives a shit. Because otherwise, I don't either.
Street Figher: The Legend of Chun-Li is a 1 out of 10. Now I only need a few more for my Top 10 Worst Films ever.