Sunday, July 02, 2006 ...........
R.I.P ....Red Eye.....(Long ramble of shit sorry if you read it)
.......Confusion,emptiness,anger,sadness all of these things flood my mind as I sit here tryin to piece together some sort of reaction to my Fathers death. I just don't know how the fuck to feel, I got the call this after noon from my Little brother and he was a wreck (but thats a story in it's self..)My old man and I haven't really spoken in quite awhile other than the paste on "hi dad" if we accidentally ended up at the same place and as for on good terms well in his mind I guess yes as for me I'd thought I washed my hands of him and felt nothing. Obviously I was wrong or I wouldn't be here writtng tryin to understand this fuckin emotional roller coaster in my head..I can't fuckin remember a time when he wasn't a useless fuckin drunk hurtin everyone around him and I hate him for that most of all I hate him for the tears he doesn't desirve and the personal hell and pain my brother is dealing with now. The fuckin weakness of addiction sickens me and the stupidity these spineless addicts use to blindly justify,rationalize,ignore and promote to themselves and others .... the shit they do baffles me. The last time I saw him was quite brief we spoke few words he was happy to see me I painted on a fools smile but just wished he'd go away.The time before was a year before and was in his home which I didn't want to be at but was convinced by my brother to do soo and for his sake I caved, the visit started ok but of course he was drunk and later ran into an old friend and left for a bar my brother and i went to bed;I slept on the extra couch in the back. Woken by the sounds of drunken laughter I find two old fools returning from a bar (which they were kicked out of) they continued to drink in the house and rant loudly, my brother came out of his room to tell them to be quiet and inform them he had to work early. Of course an argument in-sued and I not wanting my brother to snap and kill them both tried to calm the situation..long story short I got involved in the argument as did the fool my father had been drinkin with and I lost my cool and started bitch slapping this man in the face a few times tellin him to mind his own business.. I then turned to tell my father to shut up and let my brother sleep. Suddenly the other old fool tried to swing at the back of my brothers head at which time I proceeded to knock him the fuck out and spit on him I woke the next morning got dressed looked at my father as I walked out of his home..and that was the last time I spent time with him..
Soo how is it I feel soo shitty? How is it this sad excuse of a man can die and I feel guilty? Why do I feel numb and sad and how is that even possible? And it's not like im not haunted by him everyday even before he died, fuck! my name, my face, my fuckin mannerisms all his! I sit rolling things in my head over and over question after question no answers just more questions..I feel fucking cheated on soo many levels..why can't I sit on a porch and talk with my dad or go hunting or fishing, why can't I watch a ball game with my brother and my dad and laugh, why can't the future give me a life with my brother one day having kids and maybe even me with some of my own them callin you grandpa and me getting to see them spoiled and smile and feel like the most important kids ever like I felt growin up with my grandparents your mom and dad? ..Red Eye,Randy,Dad was it worth it? You went out weak like a fuckin coward fragile,sick and for what ??? booze? You shit on everyone, stole ,from your own fuckin son's, basically killed your own brother, would Grandma and Grandpa be proud? and do you even fuckin care the hell you put us all through? Beer you fuckin pussy, beer.. once strong once a man once a bad mother fucker and you did all of this for beer. fuckin pathetic.This rant these words all lost on you this fucking day, I knew it was coming and assumed I would feel nothing and for the most part I do, you mean nothing to me. Yet I find my self emotional over the death of a man that means less than shit to me. Thank you though for making sure I'll never be a fucking gutless addict, and fuck anyone claiming addiction of any sort to be a sickness, fuck you they choose this life and are too fuckin weak to change..I could probably write here forever but im not making sense and just rambling on ..fuck you! Fuck you cause I have to see your face in the mirror every morning, fuck you cause you won't see me married, fuck you cause of Darrell's pain! fuck you for the sound of my name in my ears..Fuck you for being weak and taking away future possibilities..fuck you for these tears! fuck you for makin me strong through hate..Fuck you for hurting my family..Fuck you for my anger..Fuck you cause I still love you for no reason other than yer my fuckin dad.. I DIDN'T FUCKING WANT THIS >>WE DIDN'T FUCKING DESERVE THIS..it shoulda been different..R.I.P....