Stumbling a little...
So, we've all noticed that I've not posted ONE of my 100 challenge pictures. Oddly enough, that doesn't mean I haven't done any of them. I actually have a whopping FIVE of them finished. I guess the problem is with me, because I hate them. Ugh.
I've done some things in the last few days that I'm really not proud of; it makes me not want to do a damn thing. I'm thinking about just posting a giant *I FORFEIT* sign for this contest nonsense. I guess it doesn't mean a whole lot to me, but I hate saying that I'm going to do something and then not doing it.
Funny how in spite of that feeling, it seems to be coming up in my life a lot; you know, the whole saying I'm going to do something and then not doing it thing. It's not that I'm lying, it's that lately... I just don't care. I feel stuck in a lull in life, and I hate it so bad that it makes me want to punch holes in walls. I feel like everything I do is completely meaningless, and that there's no point in any of it.
And because I'm just that smart, instead of telling the people I used to turn to when I feel bad... I've been just letting it build up and swell. That's always had bad results, but apparently I just don't learn from this shit. If we get right down to it, I'm really not an idiot. While mentally damaged to a point, I've got enough sense to look at myself and know when I'm being foolish. Sure, I always told myself that I could get through it. I may not be able to control the feelings, but I can control my reaction to them, right? HILARIOUS.
If that was true, I wouldn't be finding myself back here over and over again. I'm so depressed about life right now... well... I don't really feel like living. Stay your thoughts, kids, I'm not going to do anything about it. I might be foolish, but I haven't crossed the border over into STUPID yet.
So, I have a lot of issues. I have classes online that I'm failing because as it turns out, I hate online classes. I'm working on transferring to The Illinois Institute of Art - Schaumburg, though, so that's on it's way to being fixed. I have a job that doesn't ever seem to go anywhere. I take orders from people who make it very clear that they don't really like me, just my work. That's fine, but do they have to be so unprofessionally BLATANT about it? I have a friend who keeps telling me that I can trust him, and that it's okay if I talk to him at whatever hour about what I'm going through... but I'm so damn foolish sometimes, the one thing that keeps me from doing so is that I don't want him to hear me cry. Hello, world, I'm Becky's foolish pride. It's nice to meet you.
I have a friend that I visited recently that I got in an argument with. I don't feel I did any wrong, and I don't really feel that he did any wrong, either. It was just a gross misunderstanding. He thought I was attacking him, when really I was trying to be encouraging (EPIC FAIL)... he kind of bit my head off for it. Hah... apparently, even though he's always been there through everything with me, that means nothing. I'm kind of afraid of him now. I also kind of think that he doesn't really want me around.
This is what happens when I try to be the encouraging, helpful, reliable friend. I get my fucking head bitten off for it. I'm bad at it. I'm bad at being a human being, in the end. I'm not a great person by any means, and I should really stop pretending I am. It only ends up hurting me in the end. That's a horribly selfish thing to say, but with all of the things that have fallen on my path in this life, I'm really very tired of feeling this way.
It would be easier if I could blame someone else for all of this, but as I said, I haven't crossed the border over into stupid yet. I can't. It's me. I'm the problem. Well, my emotional capacity is terminally fucked; I knew that the instant they pulled glass out of my brain. But what of it? What do I do with all of this, anyway?
Hilarious side note... I haven't told Ryan a damn thing about any of this. He tends to put it on his own shoulders and act like it's his fault if I'm not happy. He doesn't understand words like "the problem is me." It is, though.
So, since I've backed myself into this cute little corner, I guess I'll have to claw my own way out of it. Or die trying. Either sounds fine right now.
"I try to make it through my life.
In my way, there's you.
I try to make it through these lies,
And that's all I do."
I've done some things in the last few days that I'm really not proud of; it makes me not want to do a damn thing. I'm thinking about just posting a giant *I FORFEIT* sign for this contest nonsense. I guess it doesn't mean a whole lot to me, but I hate saying that I'm going to do something and then not doing it.
Funny how in spite of that feeling, it seems to be coming up in my life a lot; you know, the whole saying I'm going to do something and then not doing it thing. It's not that I'm lying, it's that lately... I just don't care. I feel stuck in a lull in life, and I hate it so bad that it makes me want to punch holes in walls. I feel like everything I do is completely meaningless, and that there's no point in any of it.
And because I'm just that smart, instead of telling the people I used to turn to when I feel bad... I've been just letting it build up and swell. That's always had bad results, but apparently I just don't learn from this shit. If we get right down to it, I'm really not an idiot. While mentally damaged to a point, I've got enough sense to look at myself and know when I'm being foolish. Sure, I always told myself that I could get through it. I may not be able to control the feelings, but I can control my reaction to them, right? HILARIOUS.
If that was true, I wouldn't be finding myself back here over and over again. I'm so depressed about life right now... well... I don't really feel like living. Stay your thoughts, kids, I'm not going to do anything about it. I might be foolish, but I haven't crossed the border over into STUPID yet.
So, I have a lot of issues. I have classes online that I'm failing because as it turns out, I hate online classes. I'm working on transferring to The Illinois Institute of Art - Schaumburg, though, so that's on it's way to being fixed. I have a job that doesn't ever seem to go anywhere. I take orders from people who make it very clear that they don't really like me, just my work. That's fine, but do they have to be so unprofessionally BLATANT about it? I have a friend who keeps telling me that I can trust him, and that it's okay if I talk to him at whatever hour about what I'm going through... but I'm so damn foolish sometimes, the one thing that keeps me from doing so is that I don't want him to hear me cry. Hello, world, I'm Becky's foolish pride. It's nice to meet you.
I have a friend that I visited recently that I got in an argument with. I don't feel I did any wrong, and I don't really feel that he did any wrong, either. It was just a gross misunderstanding. He thought I was attacking him, when really I was trying to be encouraging (EPIC FAIL)... he kind of bit my head off for it. Hah... apparently, even though he's always been there through everything with me, that means nothing. I'm kind of afraid of him now. I also kind of think that he doesn't really want me around.
This is what happens when I try to be the encouraging, helpful, reliable friend. I get my fucking head bitten off for it. I'm bad at it. I'm bad at being a human being, in the end. I'm not a great person by any means, and I should really stop pretending I am. It only ends up hurting me in the end. That's a horribly selfish thing to say, but with all of the things that have fallen on my path in this life, I'm really very tired of feeling this way.
It would be easier if I could blame someone else for all of this, but as I said, I haven't crossed the border over into stupid yet. I can't. It's me. I'm the problem. Well, my emotional capacity is terminally fucked; I knew that the instant they pulled glass out of my brain. But what of it? What do I do with all of this, anyway?
Hilarious side note... I haven't told Ryan a damn thing about any of this. He tends to put it on his own shoulders and act like it's his fault if I'm not happy. He doesn't understand words like "the problem is me." It is, though.
So, since I've backed myself into this cute little corner, I guess I'll have to claw my own way out of it. Or die trying. Either sounds fine right now.
"I try to make it through my life.
In my way, there's you.
I try to make it through these lies,
And that's all I do."