(no subject)
Before I go to sleep, I wonder why I can't get you out of my head. I wonder what you think and what you feel, and how you make me think and feel the way you do. I wonder why I'm so afraid of this; I wonder why I'm so great at pushing people away. I wonder why I'm afraid to talk to you. I wonder why I'm so afraid of feeling for someone, especially you. I wonder why I can't see hte ways you care sometimes, even though you show me without even knowing it. I wonder why I'm so afraid to be happy. I wonder why everything feels out of place with everything right now. I wonder why when I don't feel like things are 100 percent with you, it feels like everything is going wrong. I wonder why I put so much emphasis on you, and I wonder if you care enough to be the one to hold me up, because given the chance I'd hold you until my arms were breaking. I wonder how I do this, push myself so far into a hole that I can't articulate anything I'm thinking or feeling. I wonder why I question the t hings you say and do, and I wonder why I'm so fucking afraid to be vulnerable. I wonder why I can't just sit back and take things as they are, I wonder why I have to analyze everything, I wonder why everything has to feel so tragic. I wonder why I met you, why you're in my life, why you're so important, how you got to be there, because damnit i wanted to keep everyone out and now all i want to do is keep you in. I'm sorry for not being able to say all this to you.