Tonight Show on Craigslist
Since Conan is selling the Tonight Show on Craigslist, I figured I should make an offer. Who knows? Maybe I'll get it.
----
I am interested in making an offer for the barely used Tonight Show. Since I am a preschool teacher and make essentially negative money, I can offer the following as payment:
Four (4) Second Hand Cats
Cat #1: Exceedingly obese former stray cat (approx. 17lbs). Answers to Miss Kitty and rattling food. Will creep close to you and run/waddle away, as she is convinced that you are going to eat her. Needs to have rear end shaved regularly for hygienic reasons.
Cat #2: Brownish-grey tiger with short, awkward tail. Named Lucky, but only answers to Goddammit. Prefers to shred important documents and eats like a raccoon.
Cat #3: Black kitten, answers to Vlad the Inhaler. Spoilt rotten, ungrateful, and will sleep on your head only if you're allergic to him. Performs several tricks including "starved to death cat flop" and miaowing at ear splitting pitches. Like to bite.
Cat #4: Grey tiger, answers to Gia Pet. Extremely needy, attention starved, and fights endlessly with Cat #3. Not at all bright, but very very pretty (which is what matters, right?)
Cats 1&2 will only eat Meow Mix, no table scraps, and no tinned food. Cat 3&4 will eat anything that is dropped or you are not eating fast enough. Cat #3 will only eat specific wet and tinned food, as well as anything that will make him hork/have diarrhea.
Possible uses: LOL!Cat Macros, replace old vacuum, racing.
One (1) Grandfather
83 years old, has a touch of the dementia, holds multiple law degrees (a bonus for you!), once killed a man in The War. Willing to eat a mostly smoked and deli meat diet, does not eat anything green. Has exceptional powers to make any time he goes to bed 9pm. Will invent many useless inventions to do ordinary or imagined tasks. Self starting, will not wait for assistance, but will bitch about it later. Should not be allowed on CraigsList unsupervised.
Possible uses: Free legal counsel!
Please contact me if interested (just don't ask for Grandpa!)
----
I am interested in making an offer for the barely used Tonight Show. Since I am a preschool teacher and make essentially negative money, I can offer the following as payment:
Four (4) Second Hand Cats
Cat #1: Exceedingly obese former stray cat (approx. 17lbs). Answers to Miss Kitty and rattling food. Will creep close to you and run/waddle away, as she is convinced that you are going to eat her. Needs to have rear end shaved regularly for hygienic reasons.
Cat #2: Brownish-grey tiger with short, awkward tail. Named Lucky, but only answers to Goddammit. Prefers to shred important documents and eats like a raccoon.
Cat #3: Black kitten, answers to Vlad the Inhaler. Spoilt rotten, ungrateful, and will sleep on your head only if you're allergic to him. Performs several tricks including "starved to death cat flop" and miaowing at ear splitting pitches. Like to bite.
Cat #4: Grey tiger, answers to Gia Pet. Extremely needy, attention starved, and fights endlessly with Cat #3. Not at all bright, but very very pretty (which is what matters, right?)
Cats 1&2 will only eat Meow Mix, no table scraps, and no tinned food. Cat 3&4 will eat anything that is dropped or you are not eating fast enough. Cat #3 will only eat specific wet and tinned food, as well as anything that will make him hork/have diarrhea.
Possible uses: LOL!Cat Macros, replace old vacuum, racing.
One (1) Grandfather
83 years old, has a touch of the dementia, holds multiple law degrees (a bonus for you!), once killed a man in The War. Willing to eat a mostly smoked and deli meat diet, does not eat anything green. Has exceptional powers to make any time he goes to bed 9pm. Will invent many useless inventions to do ordinary or imagined tasks. Self starting, will not wait for assistance, but will bitch about it later. Should not be allowed on CraigsList unsupervised.
Possible uses: Free legal counsel!
Please contact me if interested (just don't ask for Grandpa!)