(no subject)
SO My day is officialy ruined. I feel like shit. I know I look like shit. My hair needs washed My eyes are barely functioning my brain has turned everything on. I have hit ROCK Fucking bottom. I am shaking I am crying I can barely breathe and for what.
"Well what did you do today?"
"Had lunch with katie and libbie. Got the ball rolling on the moore Norman thing."
"Where did you apply?"
"(I don't even remember but I did apply online 4 places this morning)"
"What do you mean you didn't get to that? you told me yesterday you would."
" I am sorry I don't have a licence
*gets up walks out and lays on bed next to mom*
"Something bothering you... anything in particular."
"Yeah Dad"
"Whats he mad about"
"I don't have a job"
ect.ect..
Dinner.. Blah blah crying wont help.
*Gets up goes to bathroom*
Dad goes to mom says something. Mom says I told her to do that. Something else. Dad says SHE DIDN"T DO ANYTHING TODAY.
*Dad Pounds on bathroom door*
"I need help in the kitchen"
"Im sorry..."
"DON't Dad just don't"
*starts fixing dinner*
"all your friends are allready enrolled."
"I said don't"
*Dad leaves kitchen grumbling "Its my job"*
*Dinner's on the table everything is silent.*
Finally mom says "So where did you girls have lunch?"
"Hideaway"
*everything falls silent. Daniel finishes and walks out the front door.*
"So why exactly are you mad at me?" Dad asks
Pause. "Im Not."
Long Pause.
"Im mad at myself."
"And taking out your anger on me helps?"
"No."
*Fast Forward*
Blah blah we want good things for you Blah blah you don't try.... Blah blah What were your grades last year.
"Average" (They are hanging on the fridge. Aparently my parents haven't seen them.)
Thats too bad your not an average kid.. blah blah blah For a comunicator you sure are quiet.
"What do you want me to say your right I am wrong I fucked up my high school career. I am not doing all the things I could be to fix it. Trust me I know. And I am getting it from all directions and I am depressed and I have been making myself sick over it. And I feel like I am drowning.
well wallowing in your own misery doesn't do anyone anygood. blah blah About me and how I applied for hundreds of jobs blah lots of rejections blah and Now I am working and not making what I am worth and its easy to slack off but I worked harder to proove I deserved the raise.. Blah blah. we have had this conversation before blah blah if you just make a list I will help... blah blah We want good things for you but you have to want good things for yourself.
"I think we have talked about this enough Dwayne if you need help just let us know."
* mom gets up dad gets up leaving me at the table hardly touching dinner*
Here I am in my cave hidding and wanting nothing but to be held.
The worst is the things that went unsaid.