(no subject)
i used my yearbook to fill out a form and so of course i looked in it.
most of it is pretty predicatable but i found ollie's note and i feel very far away from him, from that time. i can hardly remember what it was like to be friends with him, but he wrote deep and powerful things and its like, i know its all there, but where is it?
"you go beyond and above when normal people stop, which is why you get frustrated with them. you've got more in your mind and soul than the rest, so full of love and creativity and intelligence... i'm sure there's a lot more of inside jokes, but i'll keep them inside cuz our friendship and connection goes far beyond inside jokes, but you knew that"
at a time in my life where i'm beginning to feel farther and farther away from people, this sort of thing shocks me. i remember sitting in my car after aids meals and i played him 'i shall not walk alone' by ben harper, this slow weepy song about faith in religion and i explained to him how it made me feel. i could tell it didn't speak to him in the same way but i never worried about what i said around him. there were times when i went over to his house in the afternoon when his parents were home, we'd listen to beck's sea change in his twin bed. one time we fell asleep holding hands. one time i cried in his driveway and he sat with me and said nothing. these are the memories that struck me deeply because they were the kinds of things i dreamed of as a middle schooler. the distance i had from men as a child scared me and i was so sure that when i was older i would connect with a male, i would do things i had never even the chance to do with.
when i think about my friends in high school i don't usually think about him, but just because he wasn't one of the girls with whom so much of my time was spent. i have always connected with women better so there was always more of them. but now, i wonder how i've missed him. i wonder how the distance has worked and i wonder what it would be like if we actually spent time together. i forget what i used to be like with him, i almost forget what he is like. our friendship, "our connection" seems as much of a mystery to me now as it did in my imagination as a sixth grader. should i call him? what would i say? there was once something here, and i think i'd like to revisit it?
the part of his note which confuses me still seems like its the most important, sort of proleptic in a way neither of us could have understood at the time:
"i want you to be happy. don't be bitter because the world has wronged you; what you need to do is right yourself. don't waste you rtime with shit that isn't worth it"
most of it is pretty predicatable but i found ollie's note and i feel very far away from him, from that time. i can hardly remember what it was like to be friends with him, but he wrote deep and powerful things and its like, i know its all there, but where is it?
"you go beyond and above when normal people stop, which is why you get frustrated with them. you've got more in your mind and soul than the rest, so full of love and creativity and intelligence... i'm sure there's a lot more of inside jokes, but i'll keep them inside cuz our friendship and connection goes far beyond inside jokes, but you knew that"
at a time in my life where i'm beginning to feel farther and farther away from people, this sort of thing shocks me. i remember sitting in my car after aids meals and i played him 'i shall not walk alone' by ben harper, this slow weepy song about faith in religion and i explained to him how it made me feel. i could tell it didn't speak to him in the same way but i never worried about what i said around him. there were times when i went over to his house in the afternoon when his parents were home, we'd listen to beck's sea change in his twin bed. one time we fell asleep holding hands. one time i cried in his driveway and he sat with me and said nothing. these are the memories that struck me deeply because they were the kinds of things i dreamed of as a middle schooler. the distance i had from men as a child scared me and i was so sure that when i was older i would connect with a male, i would do things i had never even the chance to do with.
when i think about my friends in high school i don't usually think about him, but just because he wasn't one of the girls with whom so much of my time was spent. i have always connected with women better so there was always more of them. but now, i wonder how i've missed him. i wonder how the distance has worked and i wonder what it would be like if we actually spent time together. i forget what i used to be like with him, i almost forget what he is like. our friendship, "our connection" seems as much of a mystery to me now as it did in my imagination as a sixth grader. should i call him? what would i say? there was once something here, and i think i'd like to revisit it?
the part of his note which confuses me still seems like its the most important, sort of proleptic in a way neither of us could have understood at the time:
"i want you to be happy. don't be bitter because the world has wronged you; what you need to do is right yourself. don't waste you rtime with shit that isn't worth it"