"a clown to entertain the happy couple.."
The weather at the moment is very bristolian and given the fact that I grew up in this city it’s punching memory buttons for me with startling frequency.
I think it’s the wind, and the metallic rainy smell that I’ve commented on before. Just the wet leaves, the way they turn brown and then amber and then drop off completely.
My history is still my history, I guess I’m stuck with it and although certain parts are irritating certain parts are nice memories, although at times I think they happened to some other person and not the character I am now.
I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, damaging or empowering.
For example when I smell this smell at this time of year I remember the trudging walk down to the hockey fields in highschool. The fact that the fields were at the bottom of the hill the entire school grounds were located on made it even more hard as when you’d finished the two hour practice or hockey game you then had to schlep back up the hill to get to the changing rooms.
But I guess it’s more than a physical memory. It’s smells, and sunlight, and all the things that make you remember a time before you are right then.
It rains a lot here, kinda like Seattle, so the rain features heavily. I remember going into town after school for something or other, it might have been to Forbidden Planet for something but I forget now and the darkness was still punctuated with this icy rain that seemed to creep up on you, and the drizzle that didn’t look too bad to walk in but after a few minutes you realise that you are getting remarkably wet for what seems to you simply to be some mild misting vapour and you are in fact, very wet.
I think this could be a subconscious reason why I chose Aberystwyth to do my degree in back in 1998. I have a natural affinity to anywhere with perpetually crappy weather.
I think I also recognise my own feelings in the season.
I have rarely seen past the here and now, because for me, for a long time the here and now has been more difficult than seeing into the future. Having a career pathway, knowing where I want to be in “5 years time” has been almost like a foreign language to me, and to others who have these plans I seem like a foreigner to them because of it.
I don’t see the future as something full of promise, but I don’t see it as something full of failure either. It simply doesn’t register in me as something that can be achieved or ignored.
My goals are day to day. Get through my day on the plus side of 500. Don’t get upset with people who I work with, don’t upset surgeons I work for by being an idiot. Not that I can’t be perfect but just don’t do something idiotic like drop something expensive or forget to order something essential. Eat properly and enough. Get enough sleep to function.
And really anything above those 4 things are luxuries. I know many people I work with see these things as basics that they can do automatically. I can’t. These things have to be constructed and organised and mapped out for me to be able to live.
And so, kinda like autumn I don’t look past the present concerning the day-to-day. Specific points in the near future are tackled but my anxiety does tend to get the best of me if I think about them for too long. This is why I need help often remembering things likes birthdays, bill due dates and meetings.
I do tend to run away and hide at things.
Not really a way of living a life I know. But for now it’s all I got.
This for me is one of the reasons I don’t like facebook. You see what all your old friends are doing and how they’re living their lives and getting married and everything. it does make you feel like an outsider when you can barely remember to pay the credit-card off on time.
We all move on, get older, change tack in our lives. Maybe we should leave the past in the past. Be more like autumn.
I think it’s the wind, and the metallic rainy smell that I’ve commented on before. Just the wet leaves, the way they turn brown and then amber and then drop off completely.
My history is still my history, I guess I’m stuck with it and although certain parts are irritating certain parts are nice memories, although at times I think they happened to some other person and not the character I am now.
I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, damaging or empowering.
For example when I smell this smell at this time of year I remember the trudging walk down to the hockey fields in highschool. The fact that the fields were at the bottom of the hill the entire school grounds were located on made it even more hard as when you’d finished the two hour practice or hockey game you then had to schlep back up the hill to get to the changing rooms.
But I guess it’s more than a physical memory. It’s smells, and sunlight, and all the things that make you remember a time before you are right then.
It rains a lot here, kinda like Seattle, so the rain features heavily. I remember going into town after school for something or other, it might have been to Forbidden Planet for something but I forget now and the darkness was still punctuated with this icy rain that seemed to creep up on you, and the drizzle that didn’t look too bad to walk in but after a few minutes you realise that you are getting remarkably wet for what seems to you simply to be some mild misting vapour and you are in fact, very wet.
I think this could be a subconscious reason why I chose Aberystwyth to do my degree in back in 1998. I have a natural affinity to anywhere with perpetually crappy weather.
I think I also recognise my own feelings in the season.
I have rarely seen past the here and now, because for me, for a long time the here and now has been more difficult than seeing into the future. Having a career pathway, knowing where I want to be in “5 years time” has been almost like a foreign language to me, and to others who have these plans I seem like a foreigner to them because of it.
I don’t see the future as something full of promise, but I don’t see it as something full of failure either. It simply doesn’t register in me as something that can be achieved or ignored.
My goals are day to day. Get through my day on the plus side of 500. Don’t get upset with people who I work with, don’t upset surgeons I work for by being an idiot. Not that I can’t be perfect but just don’t do something idiotic like drop something expensive or forget to order something essential. Eat properly and enough. Get enough sleep to function.
And really anything above those 4 things are luxuries. I know many people I work with see these things as basics that they can do automatically. I can’t. These things have to be constructed and organised and mapped out for me to be able to live.
And so, kinda like autumn I don’t look past the present concerning the day-to-day. Specific points in the near future are tackled but my anxiety does tend to get the best of me if I think about them for too long. This is why I need help often remembering things likes birthdays, bill due dates and meetings.
I do tend to run away and hide at things.
Not really a way of living a life I know. But for now it’s all I got.
This for me is one of the reasons I don’t like facebook. You see what all your old friends are doing and how they’re living their lives and getting married and everything. it does make you feel like an outsider when you can barely remember to pay the credit-card off on time.
We all move on, get older, change tack in our lives. Maybe we should leave the past in the past. Be more like autumn.