they believed to take a photograph of someone was to steal their soul
i found some old photographs today. photos in a paper wallet just gathering dust. Pics of me on the beach playing with a football, hair wild and straggly. there were also some of the few shots i took of my first year in university. i think maybe half a dozen photos in total. some of the gridiron team, some of a flatmate with her hair up getting ready for the aberystwyth may ball of 1999.
this was the ball before the foot n mouth epidemic so we were still being bussed 15 miles out into the middle of nowhere to see bands (that year Space, Divine Comedy and Jools Holland) play in what was essentially a converted cow shed.
That year was a lost year for me. A year which followed on from highschool that most of the people around me were different. And I don't mean anything personal, they were just mainstream. I didn't fit. And I wouldn't fit until the following year. But through the last few years of highschool, the year I had off working and my freshman year of college I didn't trust people above the basics. They were friendly but there was no bond there. no invitation on either side to talk, especially for me, someone who didn't drink alcohol for a casual pastime. It got so bad that in the summer semesters I actually handed my projects in early so I could leave, get my parents to come and collect my stuff and we could leave before everyone else did.
I tell jokes in order to connect to people.
My humour is my personality, it isn't a defense mechanism. my defense mechanism is crying and talking things out. My personality is a genuine sunny one. But one that still finds intimacy, true intimacy difficult due to the seriousness that can arise in such a situation. Someone in nursing college once said they found it hard to mentally picture me sleeping with someone. I find it hard too, to mentally see myself in the arms of another. The moment is one of pillow talk or talking or timing when passion is important and if not reciprocated then feelings that have to be shared and truths admitted. I find that very difficult, i don't know what to say, i don't know how to say 'the right thing' and often i resort to silence which many people find off-putting or assume I must be using silence as a cover for another emotion.
I am not using silence as a camouflage, I have no say in such matters for they have risen very rarely in my life and I have never had a situation with anyone that I have felt comfortable talking about intimacy.
Strange I should feel this way at my age.
So my humour is not a tool, it is in the core of me. it always has been, i make people laugh and am happy. I am. I believe this is why i cannot read signals. My gaydar does not work, neither does the heterosexual radar.
Rob says i have to believe that i am a good person. I think that is true but i also know i am a damaged one. A variety of factors for a variety of reasons have produced this. I am getting through it but it is painful and difficult and it is leaving a vacuum as well as a mass of scar tissue in my soul and heart. I do not know the answers to the questions for i have never experienced them like other people. This is nobody's fault, it is just the way the chips have fallen.
I do not know if i will ever fix this dark silence in me, but I will try.
But I will try with people that I like. Every fortune teller/card reader i have visited has told me I should not be in a relationship for the sake of it. And from what i hear from friends in work it is worse to be alone in a unhappy relationship than alone completely. That I do have experience of. and i think i deserve more than that now just to tick the box on facebook marked 'In a Relationship'.
That is the one thing I hate the most about the cancellation of Firefly.
If it had continued you would have seen the relationship between Zoe and Wash develop. Both were funny classic Whedon characters and Zoe in particular was sorely underused during the show's small run. There aren't enough funny positive characters in fiction these days. Whedon shows overflow with them, but they are all flawed in several ways. This is expected (we are all flawed) but there are flaws for not knowing what you want in your life like we all do in reality (a la Xander) and not expected when our intelligence causes us to lose our mind as we inadvertently destroy the world (a la Topher).
I'd rather side with the former given a preference.
And I think I do.
I just wish i got a bit more of a clue when they were handing it out during puberty. Cos sometimes I reckon I just don't have one at all. :(
And that can occasionally cause me to feel regret when i only sense a moment of something special occurring after it has passed me and is waving goodbye.
this was the ball before the foot n mouth epidemic so we were still being bussed 15 miles out into the middle of nowhere to see bands (that year Space, Divine Comedy and Jools Holland) play in what was essentially a converted cow shed.
That year was a lost year for me. A year which followed on from highschool that most of the people around me were different. And I don't mean anything personal, they were just mainstream. I didn't fit. And I wouldn't fit until the following year. But through the last few years of highschool, the year I had off working and my freshman year of college I didn't trust people above the basics. They were friendly but there was no bond there. no invitation on either side to talk, especially for me, someone who didn't drink alcohol for a casual pastime. It got so bad that in the summer semesters I actually handed my projects in early so I could leave, get my parents to come and collect my stuff and we could leave before everyone else did.
I tell jokes in order to connect to people.
My humour is my personality, it isn't a defense mechanism. my defense mechanism is crying and talking things out. My personality is a genuine sunny one. But one that still finds intimacy, true intimacy difficult due to the seriousness that can arise in such a situation. Someone in nursing college once said they found it hard to mentally picture me sleeping with someone. I find it hard too, to mentally see myself in the arms of another. The moment is one of pillow talk or talking or timing when passion is important and if not reciprocated then feelings that have to be shared and truths admitted. I find that very difficult, i don't know what to say, i don't know how to say 'the right thing' and often i resort to silence which many people find off-putting or assume I must be using silence as a cover for another emotion.
I am not using silence as a camouflage, I have no say in such matters for they have risen very rarely in my life and I have never had a situation with anyone that I have felt comfortable talking about intimacy.
Strange I should feel this way at my age.
So my humour is not a tool, it is in the core of me. it always has been, i make people laugh and am happy. I am. I believe this is why i cannot read signals. My gaydar does not work, neither does the heterosexual radar.
Rob says i have to believe that i am a good person. I think that is true but i also know i am a damaged one. A variety of factors for a variety of reasons have produced this. I am getting through it but it is painful and difficult and it is leaving a vacuum as well as a mass of scar tissue in my soul and heart. I do not know the answers to the questions for i have never experienced them like other people. This is nobody's fault, it is just the way the chips have fallen.
I do not know if i will ever fix this dark silence in me, but I will try.
But I will try with people that I like. Every fortune teller/card reader i have visited has told me I should not be in a relationship for the sake of it. And from what i hear from friends in work it is worse to be alone in a unhappy relationship than alone completely. That I do have experience of. and i think i deserve more than that now just to tick the box on facebook marked 'In a Relationship'.
That is the one thing I hate the most about the cancellation of Firefly.
If it had continued you would have seen the relationship between Zoe and Wash develop. Both were funny classic Whedon characters and Zoe in particular was sorely underused during the show's small run. There aren't enough funny positive characters in fiction these days. Whedon shows overflow with them, but they are all flawed in several ways. This is expected (we are all flawed) but there are flaws for not knowing what you want in your life like we all do in reality (a la Xander) and not expected when our intelligence causes us to lose our mind as we inadvertently destroy the world (a la Topher).
I'd rather side with the former given a preference.
And I think I do.
I just wish i got a bit more of a clue when they were handing it out during puberty. Cos sometimes I reckon I just don't have one at all. :(
And that can occasionally cause me to feel regret when i only sense a moment of something special occurring after it has passed me and is waving goodbye.