Ashamed
this is the problem i have in work.
I've finally been able to verbalise this to someone.
I'm not normal.
I'm me. And the me in question sees the world differently to everyone else.
I know you all think this is me acting up, or me on too much caffeine, or the me that wants the attention. But it's not. This is the me.
And I spend a lot of time in work trying to tie myself in a straitjacket of calm and mature professionalism so that people won't yell at me, or think i'm completely off my rocker. But I think I am. Just a little bit. And I don't know what to do.
See, I have jokes, quibes for everything, but I can reflect and be emotive too (not least of all on livejournal). That's normal but my filter or switch for telling me when to shut up and act mature has never really been flicked.
It's like I'm inverted, if I'm mature and unresponsive it means I'm unhappy. Professional but unhappy. If my mouth is running at a hundred and I'm vibing with everyone in sight it means I'm happy.
But I can't voluntarily go from one state to the other. And I think it annoys people.
But I can't help it.
And it's scary and embarrassing, and now I know it it's annoying too.
Did I mention it's scary?
I think I might be slightly bipolar. How do you check? Do you have to go to the doctor for this one? Should I knowing the stigma that can surround anyone with mental health issues?
I like working on the nights and weekends as it's away from a large proportion of the "normal crowd". And there's nothing wrong to dancing down the hallway at 4am. Do it at 4pm in full view of everyone and you've problems.
I don't know what to do here.
It's always been like this in my head. From childhood onwards.
I've finally been able to verbalise this to someone.
I'm not normal.
I'm me. And the me in question sees the world differently to everyone else.
I know you all think this is me acting up, or me on too much caffeine, or the me that wants the attention. But it's not. This is the me.
And I spend a lot of time in work trying to tie myself in a straitjacket of calm and mature professionalism so that people won't yell at me, or think i'm completely off my rocker. But I think I am. Just a little bit. And I don't know what to do.
See, I have jokes, quibes for everything, but I can reflect and be emotive too (not least of all on livejournal). That's normal but my filter or switch for telling me when to shut up and act mature has never really been flicked.
It's like I'm inverted, if I'm mature and unresponsive it means I'm unhappy. Professional but unhappy. If my mouth is running at a hundred and I'm vibing with everyone in sight it means I'm happy.
But I can't voluntarily go from one state to the other. And I think it annoys people.
But I can't help it.
And it's scary and embarrassing, and now I know it it's annoying too.
Did I mention it's scary?
I think I might be slightly bipolar. How do you check? Do you have to go to the doctor for this one? Should I knowing the stigma that can surround anyone with mental health issues?
I like working on the nights and weekends as it's away from a large proportion of the "normal crowd". And there's nothing wrong to dancing down the hallway at 4am. Do it at 4pm in full view of everyone and you've problems.
I don't know what to do here.
It's always been like this in my head. From childhood onwards.