dreadfully unhappy
"Is it all just some game? Where everyone stays the same?"
guys i'm not feeling very good.
i mean I'm just not coping at all right now. I mean most of the time I do, but the operation I had last year has done a lot to me and I'm still adjusting to so much of it.
Geez, this isn't making sense :-(
It's like in Fiddler when Tevye is told that one of his daughters has married a Russian, and he rejects them cos he admits if he bends for their marriage he'll break if he bends that far.
That's how i feel right now, that i'm having to bend a lot right now trying to keep everything and everyone happy and it's impossible.
I luv my friends in work but i still feel isolated from everyone a lot of the time. it's just my age i guess, or my lifestyle or just that i'm different.
and i hate it.
this difference is choking me.
It's weird, many, many, many years ago I used to read X-Men, and after Wolverine loses his adamantium - i think, this is a long time ago - he does a runner from the X-Men for a while and he writes to Jubilee explaining his intentions and why his leave and he tells her not to worry and the line "An outsider among outsiders" popped up.
and that's always stuck with me throughout my life as how i feel.
I've never really found home, i mean a real long-term, honest home that i can relax in.
Aberystwyth for a time is the closest, maybe 1999-00 or 2001-02, but other than that it was never really permanent.
And right now I feel like Tevye, that I'll break if things get any worse right now.
A friend of mine called me "so strong but so fragile".
Yep, it's true - a conundrum, a juxtaposed oxymoron, something that shouldn't exist but does.
and, i know i shouldn't say this but right now I hate my jewishness.
i wish i didn't know. i really, really, wish i didn't know.
It's like in Defiance (movie with Dan Craig) when the rabbi's saying the prayers over 2 partisans who have died:
"We have covered this land with our ashes, we have cried away our tears, we have run out of blood".
It is the oft declared plea in the pit of despair for G-d to 'choose someone else'.
and in a quasi religious / lifestyle / location way is how i feel right now.
i'm sorry, you know i don't often moan or bitch here, it does no good and makes for bad reading, but i'm seeing Thomas on the 30th March and if he falls asleep on me again or says "Come back in XX weeks" without giving me any positive progress I don't know what I would do.
The world has lost quite a lot of its sparkle right now.
And most of this stems from this perpetual feeling of being on the outside looking in.
Now i'm going to go and break my 4 and a half month record and have my first cigarette of the Obama era.
guys i'm not feeling very good.
i mean I'm just not coping at all right now. I mean most of the time I do, but the operation I had last year has done a lot to me and I'm still adjusting to so much of it.
Geez, this isn't making sense :-(
It's like in Fiddler when Tevye is told that one of his daughters has married a Russian, and he rejects them cos he admits if he bends for their marriage he'll break if he bends that far.
That's how i feel right now, that i'm having to bend a lot right now trying to keep everything and everyone happy and it's impossible.
I luv my friends in work but i still feel isolated from everyone a lot of the time. it's just my age i guess, or my lifestyle or just that i'm different.
and i hate it.
this difference is choking me.
It's weird, many, many, many years ago I used to read X-Men, and after Wolverine loses his adamantium - i think, this is a long time ago - he does a runner from the X-Men for a while and he writes to Jubilee explaining his intentions and why his leave and he tells her not to worry and the line "An outsider among outsiders" popped up.
and that's always stuck with me throughout my life as how i feel.
I've never really found home, i mean a real long-term, honest home that i can relax in.
Aberystwyth for a time is the closest, maybe 1999-00 or 2001-02, but other than that it was never really permanent.
And right now I feel like Tevye, that I'll break if things get any worse right now.
A friend of mine called me "so strong but so fragile".
Yep, it's true - a conundrum, a juxtaposed oxymoron, something that shouldn't exist but does.
and, i know i shouldn't say this but right now I hate my jewishness.
i wish i didn't know. i really, really, wish i didn't know.
It's like in Defiance (movie with Dan Craig) when the rabbi's saying the prayers over 2 partisans who have died:
"We have covered this land with our ashes, we have cried away our tears, we have run out of blood".
It is the oft declared plea in the pit of despair for G-d to 'choose someone else'.
and in a quasi religious / lifestyle / location way is how i feel right now.
i'm sorry, you know i don't often moan or bitch here, it does no good and makes for bad reading, but i'm seeing Thomas on the 30th March and if he falls asleep on me again or says "Come back in XX weeks" without giving me any positive progress I don't know what I would do.
The world has lost quite a lot of its sparkle right now.
And most of this stems from this perpetual feeling of being on the outside looking in.
Now i'm going to go and break my 4 and a half month record and have my first cigarette of the Obama era.