that anime comic strip where the characters end up in a bar getting drunk while Venus explodes
i don't know how to start this entry.
in fact have you noticed how i start a lot of my entries with the obligatory 'OK'? i sound like one of those cheerleaders off Bring it On.
"Ready - OK!".
that sounds more happy and dynamic than i am right now. in reality i'm probably the lowest i've been in a while.
i don't this is anything trans related, more so that it's how i feel post-op and how i am in comparison to other people who are all nice and shiny while i languish.
sheet, people who read this know me that especially after i came out i'm not that moody. ok i'm moody when i'm tired or stuck in a place where i'm bored but i'm usually not moody.
now i'm moody and right now, as of writing this i don't see a way out of my problem.
It's now 6 weeks since i had my op and everything that can go wrong is going wrong.
I've 2 small tears inside me. which are been aggravated and (obviously) not healing on account of the frequent dilation i'm required to do. More of an "inconvenience" (Lisa's words) than a major health issue nevertheless it's painful and sometimes bloody experience when the vessels break from their overnight adhesion and cause a bit of a dribble.
I know how these tears happened, dressing one evening after dilation i moved my leg a bit too quick dragging my sweats up and there was a twinge. sure enough on the next dilation my inside is hanging like a side of ham. Dilating over that was fun i can tell you.
Dilation itself. I'm honest with everyone here is that i do feel short-changed when it comes to dilation. the fact that it happened initially on the weekend following the operation, when the surgeons and Lisa were no where to be seen and the ward had a skeletal staff running was one thing. but not being told at how much depth was available to me and then being instructed by a nurse who ran for the curtains when i tried to dilate left me a bit abandoned.
And don't believe what people say, dilation for me personally on the first 20 times hurt like hell. to the point where i was skimping on the minutes and just dilating past the pelvic muscle.
Because no one told me how deep i could go!
and when you're in pain who wants to push deeper?
so i lost a good inch and a half as a result of depth. by the time i fugured this out i'd been home for 2 weeks and while i managed to scrape an inch back i don't think i'll be able to get deeper than 5 inches without surgical intervention.
and that is especially hurtful when you read at how other patients of CX and of Bellringer and Thomas privately got 7 inches of depth.
Guess i should have gone to Thailand after all. :-( :-( :-(
And 6 weeks on i'm still discharging like a sewer. i believe it's from my vulva rather than the opening itself but it's still a pain. and it means i have to wear pads all the time which means sitting on a chair is out. and i can't drive yet.
[on a side note i haven't used my car in so long the battery's gone flat]
I've gone through 2 lots of anti-biotic including metranidazol. I'm reluctant (as is the GP) to take any more on account of my gut flora and leaving my body exposed to things like C-Diff.
also my urethra still isn't right. i'm spraying. still, after 6 weeks? ok. i reckon that my urethra could be the source of the problem but i don't know.
and i'm still swollen.
after 6 weeks?
so i've got an infection. ok, but the swab that was taken grew nothing in the lab. neither arobe or anaerobe.
so it's granulation. a hell of a lot of granulation.
what i'm trying to say guys is that after 6 weeks i don't feel a bit better in myself.
i'm still very tired. i'm putting on weight to the point of 11 stone now, which is the biggest i've been since high school. I'm still having to wear pads. i can't get depth back no matter how much pressure i exert and when i read about other people getting full sensation back after four weeks and orgasming to their heart's content after 6 it's very, very, very depressing to someone like me who is still numb down below.
i can't drive, walking is painful (largely on account of the pad pressing on the area) and sitting is sore.
as a result i'm not in the Christmas spirit right now.
people keep telling me "It's not permanent" and "It'll pass, it's not forever".
well it seems like forever right now, i don't see light at the end of this tunnel.
For all you naysayers out there i don't wish i hadn't had this surgery done, but i do wish that it had gone better and my recovery period was quicker.
I mean what happens if i have to have a revision?
More time off work? oh yep, you can see how much my work will love that. Not to mention more General Anaesthetic, more catheterisation for a period of time. another stint in hospital. More painful dilation.
guys, i don't think i'm strong enough to take that. I'm tough i know but just the thought of having to have a pipe re-inserted into me is horrifying.
As well as all the conservative voting assholes in work who'd say: "Well, you've only yourself to blame".
Fuck off!
in fact have you noticed how i start a lot of my entries with the obligatory 'OK'? i sound like one of those cheerleaders off Bring it On.
"Ready - OK!".
that sounds more happy and dynamic than i am right now. in reality i'm probably the lowest i've been in a while.
i don't this is anything trans related, more so that it's how i feel post-op and how i am in comparison to other people who are all nice and shiny while i languish.
sheet, people who read this know me that especially after i came out i'm not that moody. ok i'm moody when i'm tired or stuck in a place where i'm bored but i'm usually not moody.
now i'm moody and right now, as of writing this i don't see a way out of my problem.
It's now 6 weeks since i had my op and everything that can go wrong is going wrong.
I've 2 small tears inside me. which are been aggravated and (obviously) not healing on account of the frequent dilation i'm required to do. More of an "inconvenience" (Lisa's words) than a major health issue nevertheless it's painful and sometimes bloody experience when the vessels break from their overnight adhesion and cause a bit of a dribble.
I know how these tears happened, dressing one evening after dilation i moved my leg a bit too quick dragging my sweats up and there was a twinge. sure enough on the next dilation my inside is hanging like a side of ham. Dilating over that was fun i can tell you.
Dilation itself. I'm honest with everyone here is that i do feel short-changed when it comes to dilation. the fact that it happened initially on the weekend following the operation, when the surgeons and Lisa were no where to be seen and the ward had a skeletal staff running was one thing. but not being told at how much depth was available to me and then being instructed by a nurse who ran for the curtains when i tried to dilate left me a bit abandoned.
And don't believe what people say, dilation for me personally on the first 20 times hurt like hell. to the point where i was skimping on the minutes and just dilating past the pelvic muscle.
Because no one told me how deep i could go!
and when you're in pain who wants to push deeper?
so i lost a good inch and a half as a result of depth. by the time i fugured this out i'd been home for 2 weeks and while i managed to scrape an inch back i don't think i'll be able to get deeper than 5 inches without surgical intervention.
and that is especially hurtful when you read at how other patients of CX and of Bellringer and Thomas privately got 7 inches of depth.
Guess i should have gone to Thailand after all. :-( :-( :-(
And 6 weeks on i'm still discharging like a sewer. i believe it's from my vulva rather than the opening itself but it's still a pain. and it means i have to wear pads all the time which means sitting on a chair is out. and i can't drive yet.
[on a side note i haven't used my car in so long the battery's gone flat]
I've gone through 2 lots of anti-biotic including metranidazol. I'm reluctant (as is the GP) to take any more on account of my gut flora and leaving my body exposed to things like C-Diff.
also my urethra still isn't right. i'm spraying. still, after 6 weeks? ok. i reckon that my urethra could be the source of the problem but i don't know.
and i'm still swollen.
after 6 weeks?
so i've got an infection. ok, but the swab that was taken grew nothing in the lab. neither arobe or anaerobe.
so it's granulation. a hell of a lot of granulation.
what i'm trying to say guys is that after 6 weeks i don't feel a bit better in myself.
i'm still very tired. i'm putting on weight to the point of 11 stone now, which is the biggest i've been since high school. I'm still having to wear pads. i can't get depth back no matter how much pressure i exert and when i read about other people getting full sensation back after four weeks and orgasming to their heart's content after 6 it's very, very, very depressing to someone like me who is still numb down below.
i can't drive, walking is painful (largely on account of the pad pressing on the area) and sitting is sore.
as a result i'm not in the Christmas spirit right now.
people keep telling me "It's not permanent" and "It'll pass, it's not forever".
well it seems like forever right now, i don't see light at the end of this tunnel.
For all you naysayers out there i don't wish i hadn't had this surgery done, but i do wish that it had gone better and my recovery period was quicker.
I mean what happens if i have to have a revision?
More time off work? oh yep, you can see how much my work will love that. Not to mention more General Anaesthetic, more catheterisation for a period of time. another stint in hospital. More painful dilation.
guys, i don't think i'm strong enough to take that. I'm tough i know but just the thought of having to have a pipe re-inserted into me is horrifying.
As well as all the conservative voting assholes in work who'd say: "Well, you've only yourself to blame".
Fuck off!