shit
I feel so discontent. I talked to my dad about everything but basically just gave him a summary. He didn't make me feel any better but he said, "You need to stop having those feelings for people. Focus on school. It's what you're there for." Such a typical Dad thing to say, but it makes sense. I don't know what I want right now. We said we'd take things slow and do things the "right way" but I don't know what that is anymore. We have a lot of fun together and I really do like him but for some reason, starting over with someone new is strange. We have sleepovers without sex or fooling around. We just joke around and fall asleep. I'm always looking for the one. I always thought there wasn't really a point if you couldn't see yourself with them in the long run. But right now, we're having fun. Not in a "let's fuck and not get emotionally involved" kind of way, but in a "hey I kind of like you a lot, let's explore the city" way. When I think of what I really loved doing with past boyfriends, it was driving around or walking to the beach, taking photos all around the shoreline, chalking, fun things. It doesn't even need to be a boyfriend. I love going on adventures. I want to start filming again. I'm going to be sober this weekend. I want to clean myself up and stop smoking. Since Travis and I broke up, I'm getting more attention from guys. Usually it's flattering but now it's just exhausting. Aaron was groping me on Halloween and then invited me to a concert with him. Some guy I just met this weekend wants to "repay me" for cigarettes by taking me out to coffee. Even a certain male friend who I used to be infatuated with has been talking to me more though I don't think he means anything by it. It's just little things but for once, I don't really think I want to get swept off my feet. I'm sick of dating or feeling courted. Kate made a good point today. It doesn't have to be the real thing cause the 'real thing' always ends up turning into a pile of shit anyway. At this point, I don't think I can deal with the possibility of dealing with another pile of shit.