Old Conversation with Daniel-- End of Februaryish
What roads are you torn from exactly, I need to know what makes them so much more extreme.
--a huge part of me still wants to be a junkie. that part of me wants to keep being a shitty friend till i push almost everyone away, and the only thing i care about is dope. because when you have that, you dont have to worry about decisions or anything else. when i was disappearing for a week or two at a time and only concerning myself with dope and the people i was doing it with, those were some of my best days. Honest to god. and then the other part of me wants my old life back. wants the sitting and the thinking for hours on end about life, about friends. Wants the pondering and philosophizing on rooftops. wants the being with friends and the caring about people and putting others first and the job and the significant other(s) and the going out and the doing things and all of that. and then maybe theres an in between. and i know i need to at least decide on which of those roads i want to take before i can decide what im looking for to make me happy. but i dont know yet. The more I think about it the in between is obviously what I want. Well the in between with drugs and friends anyways, ideally I think this is how I would have my life unfold: get back home and travel around for a month or two. Then settle down in one place and hangout with like one or two friends, work a minimum number of hours at a serving job, and be a junkie. Just go to work, make money, come home see my friends and do dope. And do that for a month or two. Maybe take a week or two off from work somewhere in there and just do drugs and hangout. Just that. But then after that move somewhere else, work my serving job but probably more than the minimum, enough to live comfortably, and hangout with a bigger group of friends, and do hard drugs maybe once or twice a week, and maybe drink and smoke during the week, and essentially live a life of moderation and friends. And then maybe travel more, and do drugs when I happen to stumble across them, but not as scripted of a schedule. And drugs would probably be a smaller part of my life then. And who knows after that. Maybe end up with a real job, maybe end up going back to school. Who knows.
My biggest problem as far as I can tell is that I want to be a junkie for awhile, and I want to be someone like Gil, who goes and tries to make a difference in the world, and has once in a lifetime adventures everyday, and a part of me wants to do the whole normal American life, with the job, and then the family, and the stay at home mom. All of it. But I want to do it all now. Because I want to live in the moment. And I want to live all of these things right now. But I guess that plan above isn’t so bad if I stuck to it. I mean I could do all of it within the next two years… which isn’t to bad… which is close to now?
You have become self aware to the fact that you have been a "shitty friend". Good, now what does that even mean to you?
--it means I’ve lied and/or betrayed the two people I would have called my best friends, and they both still don’t even know about it. And I’m probably never going to tell them, or at least not anytime soon.
Drugs or dependable friends?
--but I want both. Haha. No, I only really want drugs, and then friends. If I cant have dependable friends than okay, but id still like friends. Good friends… I don’t see why I cant have both… to an extent at least.
And don’t take me wrong, this isn’t pity. This is what I like. This is what I love. I love your harshness. Its reality. And its what I need. A lot of other people have trouble seeing things how they are. I do sometimes too, but I live for discussions like this. Not just about myself, but things that are straightforward. So here are my answers, straightforward, to as much as I have figured out thus far:
-Who do I love? It depends on the sense of the word. I love loran and john, for whatever reason I would do almost anything for those two kids. I dunno why, theres some pretty stupid picks (john is anyways) but those are two people who I know I would be willing to possibly ruin my life if they ever needed my help. I love Kristin, but in a different way, in a way that I plan on leaving here in a year or so, because I she’ll be okay without me, and she’ll probably be better off without me, and in a way I think I might be better off without her, because I’ll meet more people, and I’ll do more things, and when im around her I act differently. That’s probably the main reason. She’s one of those people that can convince me of things without even realizing she’s doing it, and I end up not being myself a lot of the time, instead im whoever she needs me to be. And I love Gil, but in an admiring sort of way. Just like I love Scotty, but that’s more of a because everyone loves him, and I want him to love me sort of way, if all of that makes sense.
-Where do I want to be before I die? Happy. That’s not the best answer, but that’s all ive got so far. And I think I’d prefer to not be alone, but that ones still up in the air.
-What are my favorite things to do in life? Music, drugs, swinging, being outside. I used to say helping people, but I honestly don’t know if I can say that anymore. I like going to shows, I like that feeling of being apart of something, of just being another piece in a million piece puzzle. And I really really like drugs. I like that for a few minutes I can feel better than anyone else in the world. And I like that for a few minutes, I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to care, I don’t have to be concerned, I can be as selfish as I want and nothing else bothers me. I like that for a few minutes I don’t have to think, I don’t have to make decisions, all I have to do is feel good.
-How important is my psychological health, and my personal well being? This one is tough now. I honestly don’t think I care to much about my mental health anymore. I think I could be going crazy and I would be okay with that. I mean, I’m not striving for ending up in a mental institute, but I guess as long as I’m happy then we’re all good. But I don’t want to go to jail. I would kill myself before I went to jail. I don’t think I could handle it. And im not against killing yourself. As selfish of a statement as that can be taken to be, I’m not. But I don’t want to get arrested, I don’t want to go crazy, I don’t want to end up stealing from my friends, I don’t want to get to the state that john is. I don’t want to be delusional. And I don’t want to be pittied.
-Oh yeah, how long do I plan on living? I know how this sounds, I know it sounds immature and naïve, and whatever else, but I honestly, honestly, would be happy dying before I hit 30. If I have a kid, im sure that would change things, but with that exception, I don’t care if I fall in love, I don’t care about my family, or my friends, or how much I care for any of them. With the exception of a child, I would be very very happy dying before 30. In fact, I cant even imagine living to be that old. Im not afraid of dying, although I would way prefer to be the one who ends up causing it. I would way prefer to take my own life then it happen any other way.
Your questions helped. A good bit. Thank you.
--a huge part of me still wants to be a junkie. that part of me wants to keep being a shitty friend till i push almost everyone away, and the only thing i care about is dope. because when you have that, you dont have to worry about decisions or anything else. when i was disappearing for a week or two at a time and only concerning myself with dope and the people i was doing it with, those were some of my best days. Honest to god. and then the other part of me wants my old life back. wants the sitting and the thinking for hours on end about life, about friends. Wants the pondering and philosophizing on rooftops. wants the being with friends and the caring about people and putting others first and the job and the significant other(s) and the going out and the doing things and all of that. and then maybe theres an in between. and i know i need to at least decide on which of those roads i want to take before i can decide what im looking for to make me happy. but i dont know yet. The more I think about it the in between is obviously what I want. Well the in between with drugs and friends anyways, ideally I think this is how I would have my life unfold: get back home and travel around for a month or two. Then settle down in one place and hangout with like one or two friends, work a minimum number of hours at a serving job, and be a junkie. Just go to work, make money, come home see my friends and do dope. And do that for a month or two. Maybe take a week or two off from work somewhere in there and just do drugs and hangout. Just that. But then after that move somewhere else, work my serving job but probably more than the minimum, enough to live comfortably, and hangout with a bigger group of friends, and do hard drugs maybe once or twice a week, and maybe drink and smoke during the week, and essentially live a life of moderation and friends. And then maybe travel more, and do drugs when I happen to stumble across them, but not as scripted of a schedule. And drugs would probably be a smaller part of my life then. And who knows after that. Maybe end up with a real job, maybe end up going back to school. Who knows.
My biggest problem as far as I can tell is that I want to be a junkie for awhile, and I want to be someone like Gil, who goes and tries to make a difference in the world, and has once in a lifetime adventures everyday, and a part of me wants to do the whole normal American life, with the job, and then the family, and the stay at home mom. All of it. But I want to do it all now. Because I want to live in the moment. And I want to live all of these things right now. But I guess that plan above isn’t so bad if I stuck to it. I mean I could do all of it within the next two years… which isn’t to bad… which is close to now?
You have become self aware to the fact that you have been a "shitty friend". Good, now what does that even mean to you?
--it means I’ve lied and/or betrayed the two people I would have called my best friends, and they both still don’t even know about it. And I’m probably never going to tell them, or at least not anytime soon.
Drugs or dependable friends?
--but I want both. Haha. No, I only really want drugs, and then friends. If I cant have dependable friends than okay, but id still like friends. Good friends… I don’t see why I cant have both… to an extent at least.
And don’t take me wrong, this isn’t pity. This is what I like. This is what I love. I love your harshness. Its reality. And its what I need. A lot of other people have trouble seeing things how they are. I do sometimes too, but I live for discussions like this. Not just about myself, but things that are straightforward. So here are my answers, straightforward, to as much as I have figured out thus far:
-Who do I love? It depends on the sense of the word. I love loran and john, for whatever reason I would do almost anything for those two kids. I dunno why, theres some pretty stupid picks (john is anyways) but those are two people who I know I would be willing to possibly ruin my life if they ever needed my help. I love Kristin, but in a different way, in a way that I plan on leaving here in a year or so, because I she’ll be okay without me, and she’ll probably be better off without me, and in a way I think I might be better off without her, because I’ll meet more people, and I’ll do more things, and when im around her I act differently. That’s probably the main reason. She’s one of those people that can convince me of things without even realizing she’s doing it, and I end up not being myself a lot of the time, instead im whoever she needs me to be. And I love Gil, but in an admiring sort of way. Just like I love Scotty, but that’s more of a because everyone loves him, and I want him to love me sort of way, if all of that makes sense.
-Where do I want to be before I die? Happy. That’s not the best answer, but that’s all ive got so far. And I think I’d prefer to not be alone, but that ones still up in the air.
-What are my favorite things to do in life? Music, drugs, swinging, being outside. I used to say helping people, but I honestly don’t know if I can say that anymore. I like going to shows, I like that feeling of being apart of something, of just being another piece in a million piece puzzle. And I really really like drugs. I like that for a few minutes I can feel better than anyone else in the world. And I like that for a few minutes, I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to care, I don’t have to be concerned, I can be as selfish as I want and nothing else bothers me. I like that for a few minutes I don’t have to think, I don’t have to make decisions, all I have to do is feel good.
-How important is my psychological health, and my personal well being? This one is tough now. I honestly don’t think I care to much about my mental health anymore. I think I could be going crazy and I would be okay with that. I mean, I’m not striving for ending up in a mental institute, but I guess as long as I’m happy then we’re all good. But I don’t want to go to jail. I would kill myself before I went to jail. I don’t think I could handle it. And im not against killing yourself. As selfish of a statement as that can be taken to be, I’m not. But I don’t want to get arrested, I don’t want to go crazy, I don’t want to end up stealing from my friends, I don’t want to get to the state that john is. I don’t want to be delusional. And I don’t want to be pittied.
-Oh yeah, how long do I plan on living? I know how this sounds, I know it sounds immature and naïve, and whatever else, but I honestly, honestly, would be happy dying before I hit 30. If I have a kid, im sure that would change things, but with that exception, I don’t care if I fall in love, I don’t care about my family, or my friends, or how much I care for any of them. With the exception of a child, I would be very very happy dying before 30. In fact, I cant even imagine living to be that old. Im not afraid of dying, although I would way prefer to be the one who ends up causing it. I would way prefer to take my own life then it happen any other way.
Your questions helped. A good bit. Thank you.