(no subject)
The thing about depression that I find so mind boggling is the fact that most of the time I don't feel like I have a reason to be depressed. I just no longer feel like participating in life anymore. I do all the things I'm meant to, I take my pills everyday, I'm doing talk therapy and I should be ok. I've taken all the steps I've been told to, I'm trying, really I am. And then weeks like this happen, where suddenly it feels like I'm not even there anymore, I listen and nod and agree but if you look closely you can see my eyes glaze over.
Maybe there's something fundamentally wrong with me, but I don't feel normal, or happy, or even like I'm just getting by. Maybe there's some basic elemental need I'm not fulfilling, or maybe I'm defective, but I can't even imagine another 60 or 70 years of living life like this. Don't raise the alarm bells, I'm not holding a bottle full of pills or a gun to my head, just if there was an easy way to just say "Pass" on life I would.
I've often been jealous of horrific car accidents. It's always seemed like that should happn to someone like me, not someone who enjoyed their life.
The everyday tediousness of it all is really wearing on a person's abilty to make it work. Once depression sets in, you no longer care, the minutes seem to just pass by in a flurry of nothingness, with people's voices slow and deep like in slow motion. I wish there was an easy fix for this, because this just seems never ending.