longing for a particular certainty (or love-hangover)
one morning a couple of weeks ago, after a night of drunken revelry anne cradled her hungover belly and said, "i don't know why i bother."
"bother with what?" i asked, holding my head.
"boys."
"uuuggnnn." i replied, because grunting was easier than talking, even whispering.
"i mean, most of the time my life feels really full. i've got friends. my work. reasons to drink wine and eat good food. fuck feeling like i need something else."
"uuuggnnn." i replied, again.
"but damn," she said, "i do feel like i need something else."
i didn't even bother to reply. i'm very familiar with that particular circular argument and at the time my head hurt too bad to even consider pursuing it.
i pretty much feel the same way today and although it has nothing to do with ancohal, i still feel a little strung out. it's like a grief flashback. a love hangover. sounds like an 80s pop song doesn't it. ah well, i'll have to be forgiven (there are worse things to need forgiveness for).
it's not any specific person that i am recalling, no particular pining. i just miss the feeling of being in love. i miss the conviction; being able to say to myself, "i love this person" and have it resonate inside me, a perfect note, a profound and simple truth.
although getting to the point where you can say such a thing to yourself requires a lot of back and forth with the lover--a lot of wondering,
could he, does he, love, in love, with me...? maybe....
when you end up at a place where you can make the declaration inside your own head and it rings like a tuning fork--sets the pace like a metronome, it's all about you.
how you feel. your capacity to be absolutely certain of at least one thing:
that you can, that you do, that you will. love.
i miss that feeling.
"bother with what?" i asked, holding my head.
"boys."
"uuuggnnn." i replied, because grunting was easier than talking, even whispering.
"i mean, most of the time my life feels really full. i've got friends. my work. reasons to drink wine and eat good food. fuck feeling like i need something else."
"uuuggnnn." i replied, again.
"but damn," she said, "i do feel like i need something else."
i didn't even bother to reply. i'm very familiar with that particular circular argument and at the time my head hurt too bad to even consider pursuing it.
i pretty much feel the same way today and although it has nothing to do with ancohal, i still feel a little strung out. it's like a grief flashback. a love hangover. sounds like an 80s pop song doesn't it. ah well, i'll have to be forgiven (there are worse things to need forgiveness for).
it's not any specific person that i am recalling, no particular pining. i just miss the feeling of being in love. i miss the conviction; being able to say to myself, "i love this person" and have it resonate inside me, a perfect note, a profound and simple truth.
although getting to the point where you can say such a thing to yourself requires a lot of back and forth with the lover--a lot of wondering,
could he, does he, love, in love, with me...? maybe....
when you end up at a place where you can make the declaration inside your own head and it rings like a tuning fork--sets the pace like a metronome, it's all about you.
how you feel. your capacity to be absolutely certain of at least one thing:
that you can, that you do, that you will. love.
i miss that feeling.