seven day cycle
So, my friend Danny has hypothesized that I'm on a seven day emotional cycle. The frist day an event takes place (the event can also be a non event, e.g. the lack of a desired encounter or a more general lack) then during the second and third day I rationalize why the event shouldn't matter to me. On the fourth day, the reasons why begin to unravel (I no longer feel autonomous, stoic, superior, etc). The event gains so momentum in my internal dialogue and before long its all I'm able to think about. By the fifth day I'm trying to stave off the panic that I know is coming but it doesn't work (what does Tori say, "can't stop what's coming, can't stop what is on its way..."). And by the sixth day I'm frantic. The event, whatever it was, (invariably involving some boy or occasionally, some academic worry) has become the lense through which I see my *entire* existence. It has become the central puzzel, the fundamental problem, the holy fucking grail. If I can just figure it out-then I will have accomplished my *reason* for being. If I don't firgue out the who's why's and wherefore's I am convinced I will live a happless, unprofitable, miserable, but interminably long life (too many vampire novels as a child, really does color your perception of things). By the seventh day my heart and brain are so exhuasted that they rest. I experience this resting as a sense of well-being and faith that "things will turn out alright." On the day of rest I'm very zen (or perhaps, you can tell by my metaphor even marginally Christian).
But of course, the cycle begins again almost immediately.
What day am I on now, you ask? Well, I know precisely. I'm on day two, the day after "the event," which (clearly) involved a boy. (His name is Phil, although that is immaterial to this particular story, it'll be good for future reference). This time it is the story of the 'boy who did not call.' Well actually he did, eventually, but it was many, many hours after the start of the story, which begins with my "event," which is the not-calling.
The thing is, I don't even know if this guy is worth all the emotional trouble (They never are, so perhaps its a moot point)but here I am again, waiting to see how crazy this one will make me.
But of course, the cycle begins again almost immediately.
What day am I on now, you ask? Well, I know precisely. I'm on day two, the day after "the event," which (clearly) involved a boy. (His name is Phil, although that is immaterial to this particular story, it'll be good for future reference). This time it is the story of the 'boy who did not call.' Well actually he did, eventually, but it was many, many hours after the start of the story, which begins with my "event," which is the not-calling.
The thing is, I don't even know if this guy is worth all the emotional trouble (They never are, so perhaps its a moot point)but here I am again, waiting to see how crazy this one will make me.