(no subject)
Alright, as usual it has been too long since my last post.
I am in the middle of packing to move.
To go to college in DeKalb, IL. I am finally transferring into a university as a junior to seek my Bachelors. I will be pursuing psychology while at Northern Illinois University, and will likely minor in history.
I am also intending to attain a certificate in GLBT Studies while I am there. Getting a fresh start will hopefully be a good thing for me. I'll be an hour from Chicago and two hours from my parents and hometown. For the first time ever, I'll be living on campus. For the first time since I started going to college, I don't know if I am going to have a serious job or not. This is a time of firsts for me.
I will also be full-time. I am going to file my name-change paperwork shortly after I settle into DeKalb, so that I can get my new license up there with my new name, and so that I can amend my student ID early on. I'm a little bit nervous about all of this change. It's so exciting, but kind of scary too.
This month has been all kinds of affirming, from simple things like overhearing somebody refer to me as "that girl" when giving directions (when I felt like I wasn't passing at all), to having a secretary, who knew my birth name and legal sex, call the person I was there to see, and refer to me as "she" to him.
The two best incidents though, have been getting new glasses and visiting the queer culture in the Quad Cities. When I went to the Quad Cities for my birthday, I went out to the queer clubs in the area, since I had not been old enough to do so when I was living there. During my outtings, I hung out with three lesbians on three nights, none of whom knew I was trans until I told them. I got two of their numbers and danced with the third for a bit. It was really affirming. That week was the first time that I really felt like I might not just be deluding myself into believing I could pass.
Then, when I went to get my glasses at Lenscrafters, the lady who helped me choose my frames knew my legal name as well (since there was government paperwork involved). She was very kind though, and decided to ask me if there was a different name that I would prefer. I told her to call me Beth, and she put that name in the computer as well, so that when I came to pick up my glasses the next day, I just told them I was Beth and everything went smooth.
Finally, I came out to my father on the last day that I spent in the Quad Cities. I spent the last couple months preparing for his bad reaction. I rehearsed escape plans, contingencies, places to stay. I came to terms with the idea of not being part of my family anymore. Even still, I resolved to tell him. So, when I came over and told him that I had something to say and he responded with "Well, get talking.", I was ready to bolt for the door. I told him that I was a transsexual, and his only response was "okay". I froze for a moment, not having anything to defend against, and blinked. It occured to me then, that maybe he did not know what this meant. I went on to explain in a couple short sentences what was going on, and he nodded along and just continued to acknowledge what I was telling him.
Well, I quickly ran out of stuff to tell him, since this wasn't going at all how I planned. Finally he said to me, "Well, are you worried that anybody is going to try to start problems with you?", and I said "Heck yes I am! I'm scared of that every day.". It turns out that he is only concerned as to my well-being, and while I am not sure that he is supportive, he is certainly not trying to murder me. We all went out to dinner after that, and I am moving back into their house for a couple weeks here between living arrangements.
Author page
I am in the middle of packing to move.
To go to college in DeKalb, IL. I am finally transferring into a university as a junior to seek my Bachelors. I will be pursuing psychology while at Northern Illinois University, and will likely minor in history.
I am also intending to attain a certificate in GLBT Studies while I am there. Getting a fresh start will hopefully be a good thing for me. I'll be an hour from Chicago and two hours from my parents and hometown. For the first time ever, I'll be living on campus. For the first time since I started going to college, I don't know if I am going to have a serious job or not. This is a time of firsts for me.
I will also be full-time. I am going to file my name-change paperwork shortly after I settle into DeKalb, so that I can get my new license up there with my new name, and so that I can amend my student ID early on. I'm a little bit nervous about all of this change. It's so exciting, but kind of scary too.
This month has been all kinds of affirming, from simple things like overhearing somebody refer to me as "that girl" when giving directions (when I felt like I wasn't passing at all), to having a secretary, who knew my birth name and legal sex, call the person I was there to see, and refer to me as "she" to him.
The two best incidents though, have been getting new glasses and visiting the queer culture in the Quad Cities. When I went to the Quad Cities for my birthday, I went out to the queer clubs in the area, since I had not been old enough to do so when I was living there. During my outtings, I hung out with three lesbians on three nights, none of whom knew I was trans until I told them. I got two of their numbers and danced with the third for a bit. It was really affirming. That week was the first time that I really felt like I might not just be deluding myself into believing I could pass.
Then, when I went to get my glasses at Lenscrafters, the lady who helped me choose my frames knew my legal name as well (since there was government paperwork involved). She was very kind though, and decided to ask me if there was a different name that I would prefer. I told her to call me Beth, and she put that name in the computer as well, so that when I came to pick up my glasses the next day, I just told them I was Beth and everything went smooth.
Finally, I came out to my father on the last day that I spent in the Quad Cities. I spent the last couple months preparing for his bad reaction. I rehearsed escape plans, contingencies, places to stay. I came to terms with the idea of not being part of my family anymore. Even still, I resolved to tell him. So, when I came over and told him that I had something to say and he responded with "Well, get talking.", I was ready to bolt for the door. I told him that I was a transsexual, and his only response was "okay". I froze for a moment, not having anything to defend against, and blinked. It occured to me then, that maybe he did not know what this meant. I went on to explain in a couple short sentences what was going on, and he nodded along and just continued to acknowledge what I was telling him.
Well, I quickly ran out of stuff to tell him, since this wasn't going at all how I planned. Finally he said to me, "Well, are you worried that anybody is going to try to start problems with you?", and I said "Heck yes I am! I'm scared of that every day.". It turns out that he is only concerned as to my well-being, and while I am not sure that he is supportive, he is certainly not trying to murder me. We all went out to dinner after that, and I am moving back into their house for a couple weeks here between living arrangements.
Author page