welcome back, I kept your seat warm.

[devachanic]

Today was my second to last day of clinical. well, actually I should already be done, but I missed a few days and have to make them up. I didn't even know why I wanted to do this on my way there. I wanted to not go. I wanted to drive right past that parking garage and back to my house, but I didn't. I wanted to turn around before I got to albany and before it was too late. I wanted to got straight to the top of that garage and go right back out the way I came in, but I didn't. I sat in my car after I parked for 10 minutes trying to think out a solid reason not to go in, not to show up, NIN pumping into my head, I just wanted to scream and beat on things, I just wanted to pull an exit. I even got inside thinking I was just going to tell my adjunct I was quitting, or maybe talk it out...... The opportunity never presented itself and I found myself @clinical, on the floor, once again. The whole I will go with it and see where it leads thing took over and it wasnt as bad anymore........I don't know how to explain it. Im just so fucking Anti.

Pediatrics is a nice floor. There are plenty of beautiful children and pretty nurses. I hate myself for saying that, pretty nurses. Why wont my cock do what I tell it to do? I fucking hate this. I am me, not you. Do what I say, shut the fuck up, and stay the fuck down. God.

I desire to do, not just be.
This is really getting irritating. Its almost like I need an intervention. Fuckit, I do need an intervention, I guess the real question is can I do it myself?

The only reason I type in here is bacause I desire to make friends. probably a pretty futile act.