ACCIDENTALLY PERFECT
This was written for the 3rd November challenge in the Brigits Flame community. The prompt was:
ACCIDENTALLY PERFECT
At two in the morning, lights were still up in the big hall in Chasewell mansion. A mixed company had gathered around the round table - a group of about ten men and women of ages fifteen to sixty. Most of them were showing clear ( Read more... )
You know I liked this because I told you so directly after I read it the first time. Helen is very real to me. This is a very well written piece, and I feel a great deal of sympathy for Helen.
I have one overall comment. You write very long sentences (paragraph 1, sentence 3; paragraph 2, sentence 1; paragraph 9, sentence 3; paragraph 13, sentence 3; paragraph 15, sentence 2). That's not a terrible thing, but I did notice it, and you just might want to be aware of it.
Paragraph 2: “The woman run a hand through her shoulder lenght hair nervously and began to read aloud like an obediant child at school.” This should read “The woman RAN a hand through her SHOULDER-LENGTH hair nervously and began to read aloud like an OBEDIENT child at school.” (CAPS for ease in seeing the changes, the changes should not be in CAPS!)
Paragraph 9: “Everyone on the world was crazy about money, but for Helen herself.” The idiom is “Everyone IN the world...”
Paragraph 11: “All those old memories were suddenly fresh for her, like if it had all happened just a day ago. . .” The second clause should read EITHER “LIKE IT had all happened just a day ago. . .” OR “AS IF IT had all happened just a day ago. . .”
Paragraph 13: “. . .but her parents swept her argumets off the table very quickly.” The fifth word should be spelled “ARGUMENTS”. (And what an awful thing for her parents to say - you're not pretty so you should be smart! Hateful old things!)
Paragraph 15: “They didn´t remember, couldn´t remember the many times she cried out of exhastion, the many times she cursed her husband who wasn´t happy with one daughter or even two daughters, who simply NEEDED a heir. . . .” The changes are “. . .cried out of EXHAUSTION” and “. . . who simply NEEDED AN heir.”
Paragraph 19: “The light in the room went off. Arlen squealed. An older woman crucified herself. Lisa took her father´s hand into hers.” I understand why Arlen squealed. I understand Lisa taking her father's hand. But “An older woman crucified herself”? That I don't understand. Do you mean “An older woman CROSSED herself”?
I really enjoyed the piece, though I felt bad for Helen and wondered why she didn't just kick her husband to the curb and start over, doing what she wanted. If she had that much money, she could have endowed a theatre company and done small parts in theatre for the rest of her life, and just lived off the interest. Oh, well.
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Oh... my... god...
The crucified herself is a real joke. LMAO. Sorry!!! I just didn´t realize it meant something else than what I wanted to say, and it came to me now!
Im aware of writing long sentences, and I like them long. It worries me that nobody else does (youre by far not the first to say so), but I like them still!
How do you pronounce "heir" that you need "an" in front of it?
PS: I think she didn´t start over later, because he managed to persuade her she didn´t have talent, and she knew it couldn´t have been bought.
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The woman run a hand through her shoulder lenght hair nervously and began to read aloud like an obediant child at school.
"Run" should be "ran."
There is a typo in "length."
"Obedient" is spelled wrong.
"In the night..."
This should be "on the night." I know prepositions for non-native English speakers can be difficult, and the only way to really learn it is by just by listening to it or by trial and error.
"Sounds pretty pathetic",
The punctuation should always be inside quotation marks, unless it is a case in which they aren't... Confusing, I know, but most times in story writing, punctuation is inside.
Wow, the sudden appearance of Helen's ghost was very unexpected. If this is going to be a story about her being present after death, maybe this should be introduced at the very beginning, or maybe have the whole story be told from her point of view (which I know it kind of is, but I mean written in such a way that it's obvious she's telling the story rather than watching it).
An older woman crucified herself.
I think you mean she crossed herself?
The voice at the end sounds LOUD to be because of the capitalization. It also seems disruptive to the story as a whole. Perhaps using italics would be a softer blow, or even putting it in quotes would be fine too.
The very end of it was a bit unsettling for me, mostly because of the change in voicing and point of view. It's already obvious that Helen has been talking to the audience the whole time, so the italics really aren't necessary.
I enjoyed the story itself a lot. I feel that a lot of people are unsuccessful in the areas where they are passionate, instead taking on jobs at which they are competent and watching others take the glory they wish they had.
Thank you for sharing,
Kelly
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