happy/sad
today i found out i got into the grad program for Library Sciences at SJSU.
my excitement is tempered by a few things.
one, i am not happy at the thought of going deeper into debt. the student loan debt i've already accumulated still hangs over me like a black cloud and i do my best to pay as little attention to it as possible, except when it comes time to pay the bill.
second, i am saddened at the fact that i can't say anything about this to the person who has helped me the most in my academic exploits thus far. that would be my ex. she inspired me to get my shit together as an undergrad, and when my application for the grad program was denied the first time (because i was off 0.01 from their GPA minimum requirement), she helped me find a class that was suitable to my schedule that i could take to boost my GPA. i did that, and i got in.........and i can't tell her. i haven't talked to her in months. i swore i would not until i had completely gotten over it. i haven't. i don't think i ever will. the fact that i can't celebrate this with her makes me not want to celebrate it at all.
third.........i have no idea what this means about where i am going to live, but it certainly doesn't look like it will be SF. my first semester demands that i take all my classes in San Jose. i really, really, really don't want to move down there. it's BORING. it's not a city. the nightlife is fucking horrible. frat boys and skanky girls and that nasty club scene that makes me hate North Beach on weekend nights. that's what its like. i might just stay with my parents another year...which isn't the most exciting of prospects either, but it might be the easiest scenario.
i'm on a 2 month temp assignment and as soon as that's over i am taking a BIG trip. i had decided on Costa Rica, but now that i am saving more money than i had planned, it might be something else. Japan? Australia? New Zeland? i've gotta figure that out. but the desire to get out...and far, far away has never been greater. i am separating myself from the past and the things that have shackled me, and a trip i feel will be a great test for me to track my progress, and to build my confidence. the lack of which is the only thing that stands in my way from impacting this world in the manner i desire.
my excitement is tempered by a few things.
one, i am not happy at the thought of going deeper into debt. the student loan debt i've already accumulated still hangs over me like a black cloud and i do my best to pay as little attention to it as possible, except when it comes time to pay the bill.
second, i am saddened at the fact that i can't say anything about this to the person who has helped me the most in my academic exploits thus far. that would be my ex. she inspired me to get my shit together as an undergrad, and when my application for the grad program was denied the first time (because i was off 0.01 from their GPA minimum requirement), she helped me find a class that was suitable to my schedule that i could take to boost my GPA. i did that, and i got in.........and i can't tell her. i haven't talked to her in months. i swore i would not until i had completely gotten over it. i haven't. i don't think i ever will. the fact that i can't celebrate this with her makes me not want to celebrate it at all.
third.........i have no idea what this means about where i am going to live, but it certainly doesn't look like it will be SF. my first semester demands that i take all my classes in San Jose. i really, really, really don't want to move down there. it's BORING. it's not a city. the nightlife is fucking horrible. frat boys and skanky girls and that nasty club scene that makes me hate North Beach on weekend nights. that's what its like. i might just stay with my parents another year...which isn't the most exciting of prospects either, but it might be the easiest scenario.
i'm on a 2 month temp assignment and as soon as that's over i am taking a BIG trip. i had decided on Costa Rica, but now that i am saving more money than i had planned, it might be something else. Japan? Australia? New Zeland? i've gotta figure that out. but the desire to get out...and far, far away has never been greater. i am separating myself from the past and the things that have shackled me, and a trip i feel will be a great test for me to track my progress, and to build my confidence. the lack of which is the only thing that stands in my way from impacting this world in the manner i desire.