(no subject)
this is perhaps the most tenuous position i've been in my entire life. at least in many years.
what worries me is that i am not really that scared. perhaps that's coming.
fear sometimes takes a while to soak in. slow absorbtion into the heart cells.
but i don't have the luxury of fear.
i don't have time to be afraid.
im quitting a job that would pay me a very comfortable amount of money, that is 10 minutes from where i live, that from all i've seen is a positive and uplifting work environment. a job i just took a little more than a month ago, that seemed to fall into my lap, that rescued me from the tar pit of misery Berkeley had become. a job that offered greater variety, more challenges, a chance to further develop my skill set and guide me on a successful career path.
and i left it why? because i am sick of office jobs. because i hate staring doe-eyed at a computer screen for 8 hours a day. because i can't stomach a job that erodes so much time that i find myself too tired to pursue the things in life i actually enjoy.
because i just feel like i can't work another full-time job that i just don't care about.
maybe in another position, where i had more contact with people and less with numbers and statistics and databases and filing cabinets, maybe i wouldn't feel this way so much.
i kind of want to throw up on myself when i think about it, though.
in so many ways i should be delighted to be where i am and i shouldn't complain. so many of my friends are struggling to make rent, to find jobs even. here i am in a pretty decent position and i'm whining about it because "i'm not feeling fulfulled." fulfillment, what a bunch of hippie bullsit. i was the first person in my family to graduate from college, i should be kissing the earth in gratitude that i don't have to break my back in construction like my father. there is a more pragmatic side to me that wants to kick my inner transcendentalist in the stomach repeatedly until he pukes out his guts and his dreams. or something along those lines. but i am not lisetning to that side right now. i don't want to play it safe because safe is getting very, very boring.
however, i would be a candidate for the mental ward if i believed i won't be back here, at this crossroads again at some future juncture.
the long plan is i will go back to school, and get my MLIS and work in libraries (which i love) with books (which i love), and direct children's literacy programs and maybe teach, and perhaps do a good amount of travelling and writing, and...... eventually i will feel like this again. unfulfilled and uninspired. robotic. grey and listless. what will be my escape hatch then? i know i can't worry about this now.
i also have to constantly remind myself that just fleeing this cublicleized world isn't the cure-all for all my mental and emotional afflictions. it may in fact, lead me into further darkness, forcing me to confront insecurities and weaknesses i have long been ignoring.
it is also equally possible these insecurities and weaknesses have their origin in the fear that i've never been strong enough to do what i want, and should i do just that they will fade out like apparitions.
i am concerned that i won't be able to make it financially.
i fear that i've gotten too used to having a cushy salaried position with benefits and paid vacation and holidays and all that good stuff...
that i don't know how to go back. i'm applying for bartending jobs and serving jobs, and should i be lucky enough to find a good one, i doubt that will be enough to cover my expenses. car payments for a car i hardly ever drive. and insurance. health insurance so i can have asthma medication. rent, utilities. the ability to go out a few times a week to eat and drink and not freak out if my debit card is going to come back declined.
i might have to work 50, 60 70 hours a week before i go back to school to make ends meet. it might be ramen and saltines from here on out. i have to be okay with that. i need to remember what this feels like now, what it has felt like the last two years. the tedium. the boredom. i need to remember how much happier i was in the jobs where i was on my feet, working with people, my hands and body moving with some degree of consistency. that kind of work is so much better for me. office jobs give me too much time to think, to analyze over and over, and god knows, i do that enough already.
shit, i am being so melodramatic. i do that enough too.
im posting this here because i need to sort through these things right now. before i don't have the time to do so.
before things get difficult. because they will. i need to be ready.