(no subject)
well, its certainly been a while since i last even thought about updating.
the full moon had me down, down in its deep, dark throes and i wanted to steer clear of caressing the self pity. it shall suffice to say, that i got through it (as i always do) and i did so without causing any unnecessary outside attention or concern. am i growing up, finally? or getting cleverer at hiding my sadness?
or can one accomplish the latter without already being the former?
regardless, here i am now.
and now is most certainly a different, and better place.
i have not felt this alive in years.
i have been spending a lot of time with family, who i feel i have neglected for so long. in favor of going my own path entirely, getting as far away as possible, and these things were very necessary. i was too fragile to have to constantly deal with the conflicts, small as they may have been. but i have reached a place now where our differences, and more importantly, their perception of my difference from them, is not something that works against me any longer. but foremost, i have remembered again the value of family (should they have provided you with the love we all deserve) and the absolute necessity of remaining on positive, cordial terms with them at all times. it gives me great joy now to be again, a presence in their lives...not just a name on the 'ol family tree, or that bratty kid you have to give xmas and birthday presents to every year. in turn, they are taking on a completely new meaning in my life, a vital one and i am thankful i have awakened enough to allow this to be so.
so my parents have a new kitten, and she is very cute. we named her Carlie, after the first stuffed animal (a white bengal tiger) i had when i was a boy. i dragged her everywhere my parents took me, even to church. i dont think she liked going to church much, though. this Carlie is far more interactive, though and downright adorable. she purrs like a Harley and is brave and adventurous, but she's a bit skittish when we approach her or try to hold her, and i hope this is more a matter of her adjusting to a completely new environment and not a permanent behavior trait. i dont see how she could have had any history of abuse; we know the family who we bought her from and she was raised by her mommy-kitty along with five other furry sibings and a loving daddy-kitty too.
i went to see 'A Scanner Darkly', the new Richard Linklater film...and oh my god. i have never felt like that after leaving a movie theatre. what a fucking trip; i literally felt like i had done drugs. he used the same rotoscoping technique as he did in 'Waking Life' (probably my most favorite movie ever), which was a visual intoxicator to say the least. but the sole focal point of the movie was drug abuse, drug users, addiction in general, and the rights and priveleges the government takes in its war on drugs. to say as little as possible (should the reader be interested in seing the movie for themselves, which you should), the coupling of this subject matter with the hallucinatory-affected rotoscopic animation made this movie into its own special kind of narcotic. unlike any other movie i have ever watched. i did not feel safe (or sober) driving home.
ate an early breakfast with Micah this morning, then went back to sleep for four hours and the weekend is almost done. but its all okay. i could go do some laundry, or i could just lay on my couch and listen to silence and occassional street noises. this is my life today. and its all okay.
the full moon had me down, down in its deep, dark throes and i wanted to steer clear of caressing the self pity. it shall suffice to say, that i got through it (as i always do) and i did so without causing any unnecessary outside attention or concern. am i growing up, finally? or getting cleverer at hiding my sadness?
or can one accomplish the latter without already being the former?
regardless, here i am now.
and now is most certainly a different, and better place.
i have not felt this alive in years.
i have been spending a lot of time with family, who i feel i have neglected for so long. in favor of going my own path entirely, getting as far away as possible, and these things were very necessary. i was too fragile to have to constantly deal with the conflicts, small as they may have been. but i have reached a place now where our differences, and more importantly, their perception of my difference from them, is not something that works against me any longer. but foremost, i have remembered again the value of family (should they have provided you with the love we all deserve) and the absolute necessity of remaining on positive, cordial terms with them at all times. it gives me great joy now to be again, a presence in their lives...not just a name on the 'ol family tree, or that bratty kid you have to give xmas and birthday presents to every year. in turn, they are taking on a completely new meaning in my life, a vital one and i am thankful i have awakened enough to allow this to be so.
so my parents have a new kitten, and she is very cute. we named her Carlie, after the first stuffed animal (a white bengal tiger) i had when i was a boy. i dragged her everywhere my parents took me, even to church. i dont think she liked going to church much, though. this Carlie is far more interactive, though and downright adorable. she purrs like a Harley and is brave and adventurous, but she's a bit skittish when we approach her or try to hold her, and i hope this is more a matter of her adjusting to a completely new environment and not a permanent behavior trait. i dont see how she could have had any history of abuse; we know the family who we bought her from and she was raised by her mommy-kitty along with five other furry sibings and a loving daddy-kitty too.
i went to see 'A Scanner Darkly', the new Richard Linklater film...and oh my god. i have never felt like that after leaving a movie theatre. what a fucking trip; i literally felt like i had done drugs. he used the same rotoscoping technique as he did in 'Waking Life' (probably my most favorite movie ever), which was a visual intoxicator to say the least. but the sole focal point of the movie was drug abuse, drug users, addiction in general, and the rights and priveleges the government takes in its war on drugs. to say as little as possible (should the reader be interested in seing the movie for themselves, which you should), the coupling of this subject matter with the hallucinatory-affected rotoscopic animation made this movie into its own special kind of narcotic. unlike any other movie i have ever watched. i did not feel safe (or sober) driving home.
ate an early breakfast with Micah this morning, then went back to sleep for four hours and the weekend is almost done. but its all okay. i could go do some laundry, or i could just lay on my couch and listen to silence and occassional street noises. this is my life today. and its all okay.