(no subject)
i saw a needle on the street today.
just laying there. a kid could have picked it up. some careless barefoot person could have stepped on it.
i was going to bend down, pick it up, and throw it away.
and as i motioned toward it, a woman came charging from nowhere. glaring at me. "leave that alone!"
if you know the neighborhood i live in, you would not be surprised. i wasn't.
sometimes, it's just devastating. just taking a walk around.
i could let myself be swallowed up in the suffering. i hate how easily it gets to me.
but what i hate more is feeling so numb to it. that kind of numb that lets you walk past people scraping their head on the cement, just lying there and screaming...and not feel a thing. coping mechanisms scare me. i don't want to insulate myself because i am afraid if i wasn't careful i could never break free. i'm afraid i wouldn't want to.
i haven't tried to hide from the heartache i've felt. like death, i don't really think there would be a way for me to cheat it. you've gotta face it. at least i do. but i wonder, is it really worse for those who do run from it? does it make things worse for them in the long run, if they never deal with it like they should? i think i am too naive to really know the answer to this. i tend to believe it when people sell themselves off like they can just fend off heartache, and it's like nothing at all. are they lying to themselves? and will they pay for it in the end? or will someone else...that next person they find to fill the void, the one they are in love with being in love with? i get scared for her, that she is avoiding the pain or forgetting it altogether...and then i realise how stupid that is. her pain is not the same as mine, it will fade easier, and does not make the same demands as mine. mine has a stronger appetite, it wanted to eat everything in sight for a time; even objects and places and ideas that meant nothing to "us", it wanted to consume, voraciously, until there was nothing left, no me left. that appetite has been quelled, but not because i shied from it. i let it devour itself. but i am still here.
just laying there. a kid could have picked it up. some careless barefoot person could have stepped on it.
i was going to bend down, pick it up, and throw it away.
and as i motioned toward it, a woman came charging from nowhere. glaring at me. "leave that alone!"
if you know the neighborhood i live in, you would not be surprised. i wasn't.
sometimes, it's just devastating. just taking a walk around.
i could let myself be swallowed up in the suffering. i hate how easily it gets to me.
but what i hate more is feeling so numb to it. that kind of numb that lets you walk past people scraping their head on the cement, just lying there and screaming...and not feel a thing. coping mechanisms scare me. i don't want to insulate myself because i am afraid if i wasn't careful i could never break free. i'm afraid i wouldn't want to.
i haven't tried to hide from the heartache i've felt. like death, i don't really think there would be a way for me to cheat it. you've gotta face it. at least i do. but i wonder, is it really worse for those who do run from it? does it make things worse for them in the long run, if they never deal with it like they should? i think i am too naive to really know the answer to this. i tend to believe it when people sell themselves off like they can just fend off heartache, and it's like nothing at all. are they lying to themselves? and will they pay for it in the end? or will someone else...that next person they find to fill the void, the one they are in love with being in love with? i get scared for her, that she is avoiding the pain or forgetting it altogether...and then i realise how stupid that is. her pain is not the same as mine, it will fade easier, and does not make the same demands as mine. mine has a stronger appetite, it wanted to eat everything in sight for a time; even objects and places and ideas that meant nothing to "us", it wanted to consume, voraciously, until there was nothing left, no me left. that appetite has been quelled, but not because i shied from it. i let it devour itself. but i am still here.