The Suicide Sublet
so i am subletting my room in SF for the time being.
and the guy that took the room is now on suicide watch.
that makes me feel nice and secure, for sure!
he broke down and confessed to Brandon the other night that his reason for moving to SF (from Kansas) was to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. lovely. of course, Brandon HAD to choose the one guy I didn't meet......out of 50 some odd people...... then again, at first I thought he was an okay guy too. he has quickly revealed himself to be an irritant...one of those people who repels others because he tries way, way too hard to get you to like him. and it's sad. on many levels. what do you do for people like this? you want to help, but you can't stand to be in their presence. you perhaps want to be honest, but you know if you were, you would destroy them. i'm not thinking so much about how it affects me, but i feel bad for Brandon who shouldn't have to deal with this shit.
i'm not worried about finding a replacement should he go all Hari kari. when we posted the room on CL the first time, we learned there are millions of people out there just dying to live in the Tenderloin. it's true!
but this situation has gotten me to thinking about a lot of things. i can't help but even see a little of myself in this poor kid. sometimes i feel like i can't get through to anyone, or that no one on the entire planet likes or understands me. i've always felt like a misfit, an outsider. and over time, i've adopted that persona and i feel at home in it, for better or worse. but whenever i've needed to, i've been able to make friends. i know how to, when the situation calls for it, "turn it on" and play up my likability without seeming like a pretensious asshole. but this isn't a skill everyone possesses, it seems.
FORGIVE ME NOW AS I MAKE SOME RASH GENERALIZATIONS:////////////////////
some people are just naturally likeable all the time....they don't have to turn it on, it's just a part of who they are: they like people and people like them. Hooray for them! others (like me) don't like people very much, and oftentimes find themselves on the outside looking in, but can, at times, be genuine and sincere and make true, deep, significant, friendships. others just don't care at all and are so desperate to never be alone, that they have a million "friends", most of which are more acquaintances than true friends. when you think about it, there are so many people out there, and so many non-discriminating ones, that it's almost impossible to not find a friend. but then, how are there people out there who can't get anyone to like them? there are people out there, who try so hard....but they can't even stumble into a friendship if their life depended on it. how is this possible?! it must be a case of an over-inflated ego, or arrogance, or extreme selectiveness or discrimination on the part of the subject. this kid, the Suicide Sublet let's call him, must fall into this last category.
it's kind of a hopeless situation. i almost wanna kill myself thinking about it.
i knew something was wrong when he broke the window the first week of living there.
bad omen. there was something bad outside that window that was wanting in. i could feel that when i was there.
then it was evident he was a horrible slob. and i've seen some bad ones. not the worst, to be sure, but pretty bad. nobody can be happy and live in filth. nobody, no matter what they say.
i'm thinking there is a reason he is living there. there is a reason Brandon chose him to live there. there's a lesson here, below the surface. for him, for me, for all of us maybe. i think i am trying to be too philosophical here.
i don't have the time now to flesh this thought out.
the world can be a cold, cold place though. i am thankful for my friends. i wish they weren't all going through as much shit as they were. i wish we could have fun like we used to. but i am still glad they are in my life and i feel very fortunate. maybe that's the over-simplified lesson i was looking for here. PUKE! *cue cheesy sitcom resolution music ala Full House*
and the guy that took the room is now on suicide watch.
that makes me feel nice and secure, for sure!
he broke down and confessed to Brandon the other night that his reason for moving to SF (from Kansas) was to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. lovely. of course, Brandon HAD to choose the one guy I didn't meet......out of 50 some odd people...... then again, at first I thought he was an okay guy too. he has quickly revealed himself to be an irritant...one of those people who repels others because he tries way, way too hard to get you to like him. and it's sad. on many levels. what do you do for people like this? you want to help, but you can't stand to be in their presence. you perhaps want to be honest, but you know if you were, you would destroy them. i'm not thinking so much about how it affects me, but i feel bad for Brandon who shouldn't have to deal with this shit.
i'm not worried about finding a replacement should he go all Hari kari. when we posted the room on CL the first time, we learned there are millions of people out there just dying to live in the Tenderloin. it's true!
but this situation has gotten me to thinking about a lot of things. i can't help but even see a little of myself in this poor kid. sometimes i feel like i can't get through to anyone, or that no one on the entire planet likes or understands me. i've always felt like a misfit, an outsider. and over time, i've adopted that persona and i feel at home in it, for better or worse. but whenever i've needed to, i've been able to make friends. i know how to, when the situation calls for it, "turn it on" and play up my likability without seeming like a pretensious asshole. but this isn't a skill everyone possesses, it seems.
FORGIVE ME NOW AS I MAKE SOME RASH GENERALIZATIONS:////////////////////
some people are just naturally likeable all the time....they don't have to turn it on, it's just a part of who they are: they like people and people like them. Hooray for them! others (like me) don't like people very much, and oftentimes find themselves on the outside looking in, but can, at times, be genuine and sincere and make true, deep, significant, friendships. others just don't care at all and are so desperate to never be alone, that they have a million "friends", most of which are more acquaintances than true friends. when you think about it, there are so many people out there, and so many non-discriminating ones, that it's almost impossible to not find a friend. but then, how are there people out there who can't get anyone to like them? there are people out there, who try so hard....but they can't even stumble into a friendship if their life depended on it. how is this possible?! it must be a case of an over-inflated ego, or arrogance, or extreme selectiveness or discrimination on the part of the subject. this kid, the Suicide Sublet let's call him, must fall into this last category.
it's kind of a hopeless situation. i almost wanna kill myself thinking about it.
i knew something was wrong when he broke the window the first week of living there.
bad omen. there was something bad outside that window that was wanting in. i could feel that when i was there.
then it was evident he was a horrible slob. and i've seen some bad ones. not the worst, to be sure, but pretty bad. nobody can be happy and live in filth. nobody, no matter what they say.
i'm thinking there is a reason he is living there. there is a reason Brandon chose him to live there. there's a lesson here, below the surface. for him, for me, for all of us maybe. i think i am trying to be too philosophical here.
i don't have the time now to flesh this thought out.
the world can be a cold, cold place though. i am thankful for my friends. i wish they weren't all going through as much shit as they were. i wish we could have fun like we used to. but i am still glad they are in my life and i feel very fortunate. maybe that's the over-simplified lesson i was looking for here. PUKE! *cue cheesy sitcom resolution music ala Full House*