Suppose I should update...
Wow, it surely has been a while. Perhaps longer in my world because of the recent episodes drama. Basically, since I last updated, I finished semesters, did pretty well, except for AP English that was handed in waaay late, then started the chaos again after a brief respite. I shall start with the Lewistown meat on the 8th. Things seemed to be going fairly well with Veronica and I, until she complained that I was "ignoring her." I was not trying to do this, until Amber told me that, because V was still infuriated at me, V didn't want to see me. However this was a misconception. Avoiding her only pissed her off more, and finally things were settled as best as possible for the time, mostly later that night. Another interesting thing happened that day though. Kassie from Cutbank started hitting on me and eventually asked me out as we were leaving after awards. I, being the idiot I am, said yes, but within ten minutes began to regret this. The plan was to meet at the Prospector in GF afterwards, and I figured I could reverse what I had done then, but due to changes of plans, I was unable to do this until several days later when I got her number.
Then comes the Malta meet on the 15th. Riding up with Fairfield was loads of fun, as was staying in the hotel. The meet was pretty fun for the most part, V and I once again seemed to be getting along. However, because Kassy was still being extremely flirtatious, and I in turn reacted with the same towards her and other people. I continue to hit myself for this by the way. V, still having attachments to me was very upset by seeing this. Finally I was able to put her better at ease. She and Cody had been getting along quite well at this meet, of which I was glad so that Cody could try to comfort her as well.
Finally comes the Shelby Divisional meet. This day sucked in many ways by the way, and for many people. First, there is always the people who don't make state, such as Tyler, who I unfortunately didn't hang out with as much as either of us wanted, which made his day even worse. Next, is the fact that those who don't make it don't get to see any of the seniors again for a very prolonged period of time, if ever. Once again, Tyler was bummed over this, and being, or at least trying to be, empathetic towards him, I in turn felt bad. Third and last is V. Once again, she was upset with me, partly because Kassie was still clinging on to me, and I at times had to manually pry her arms from me. Granted this flirting was fun at first, but it soon grew far too serious, so I tried to put an end to it. (If only my hormones would have allowed me to end it completely...) Also, and I believe most importantly, V was upset over my personality. According to her, I had changed. Dramatically, and for the worst. In fact I believe she said I had turned into a total asshole. This is partly because I said that Kassie and I were never going out, because I figured no one really knew about it because it was for such a short time, and I didn't want to hurt her any more than I already have. Also, I have apparently been acting very cold and mean towards many people, and many of them have asked V what was wrong with me. I feel like a complete ass because I have no clue who these people are, what I have done, how I have changed, or how to make it up to them. I just recently checked my email and found a message directing me towards this posting in V's fotolog that pretty much sums it up:
Many of Alan Baker`s friends @ 2005-01-20 21:40 said:
Enough of this bullshit. You`ve changed so much lately we barely even know you at all anymore.What happened to you to make you become this cold, uncaring person? All of us liked you much better the way you were before. You used to be such a kind person that we could trust. No matter how small it was, you always kept your word unless you had a fucking good reason not to. We miss the old you, very badly. Please come back to us?!
Whom all this message is from is a complete mystery to me, but I feel like shit because I am doing this to so many people without realizing it. Hell, one of the things that makes me the happiest is making other people happy, and I am doing quite the opposite. I just wish someone could show me what I've done, how I've changed, and more importantly how to stop it. It is as though a tarot reading I did at Sarah's house that I took for a joke is coming true, in which it said that in the near future (as in now) I would have difficulties in caring about others's emotions. It seems this is true, and I am so tuned out of things that I can't even realize that I've abandoned my friends and who I was. Pondering these things over in my head the entire latter half of the meet was piss-poor at best. It seemed as if the whole day V was trying to be cold towards me, most probably to show me what I'm acting like, and was criticizing everything, from the superficial change of my earring (I got it pierced on last Wednesday by the way) to my emotional and personal changes, the latter of which being criticized severly then ended with a semi-apologetic embrace so confused my mind that I couldn't help but crying. It was so bizarre because I have always been able to console myself in public and on my own so I don't cry, but her presence made this impossible, so I couldn't help but let a few tears go. God I'm pathetic. It isn't my place to cry or even feel near that way in that situation, because it's the same as crying from feeling sorry for myself. I just can't believe that I've done this to these people, and yet I don't know who they are. I feel incredibly selfish, pathetic, and basically worthless because I can't even realize that I'm not who I think I am. Fuck me, I couldn't even comfort Tyler today after he found out he couldn't even go on the trip...
Then comes the Malta meet on the 15th. Riding up with Fairfield was loads of fun, as was staying in the hotel. The meet was pretty fun for the most part, V and I once again seemed to be getting along. However, because Kassy was still being extremely flirtatious, and I in turn reacted with the same towards her and other people. I continue to hit myself for this by the way. V, still having attachments to me was very upset by seeing this. Finally I was able to put her better at ease. She and Cody had been getting along quite well at this meet, of which I was glad so that Cody could try to comfort her as well.
Finally comes the Shelby Divisional meet. This day sucked in many ways by the way, and for many people. First, there is always the people who don't make state, such as Tyler, who I unfortunately didn't hang out with as much as either of us wanted, which made his day even worse. Next, is the fact that those who don't make it don't get to see any of the seniors again for a very prolonged period of time, if ever. Once again, Tyler was bummed over this, and being, or at least trying to be, empathetic towards him, I in turn felt bad. Third and last is V. Once again, she was upset with me, partly because Kassie was still clinging on to me, and I at times had to manually pry her arms from me. Granted this flirting was fun at first, but it soon grew far too serious, so I tried to put an end to it. (If only my hormones would have allowed me to end it completely...) Also, and I believe most importantly, V was upset over my personality. According to her, I had changed. Dramatically, and for the worst. In fact I believe she said I had turned into a total asshole. This is partly because I said that Kassie and I were never going out, because I figured no one really knew about it because it was for such a short time, and I didn't want to hurt her any more than I already have. Also, I have apparently been acting very cold and mean towards many people, and many of them have asked V what was wrong with me. I feel like a complete ass because I have no clue who these people are, what I have done, how I have changed, or how to make it up to them. I just recently checked my email and found a message directing me towards this posting in V's fotolog that pretty much sums it up:
Many of Alan Baker`s friends @ 2005-01-20 21:40 said:
Enough of this bullshit. You`ve changed so much lately we barely even know you at all anymore.What happened to you to make you become this cold, uncaring person? All of us liked you much better the way you were before. You used to be such a kind person that we could trust. No matter how small it was, you always kept your word unless you had a fucking good reason not to. We miss the old you, very badly. Please come back to us?!
Whom all this message is from is a complete mystery to me, but I feel like shit because I am doing this to so many people without realizing it. Hell, one of the things that makes me the happiest is making other people happy, and I am doing quite the opposite. I just wish someone could show me what I've done, how I've changed, and more importantly how to stop it. It is as though a tarot reading I did at Sarah's house that I took for a joke is coming true, in which it said that in the near future (as in now) I would have difficulties in caring about others's emotions. It seems this is true, and I am so tuned out of things that I can't even realize that I've abandoned my friends and who I was. Pondering these things over in my head the entire latter half of the meet was piss-poor at best. It seemed as if the whole day V was trying to be cold towards me, most probably to show me what I'm acting like, and was criticizing everything, from the superficial change of my earring (I got it pierced on last Wednesday by the way) to my emotional and personal changes, the latter of which being criticized severly then ended with a semi-apologetic embrace so confused my mind that I couldn't help but crying. It was so bizarre because I have always been able to console myself in public and on my own so I don't cry, but her presence made this impossible, so I couldn't help but let a few tears go. God I'm pathetic. It isn't my place to cry or even feel near that way in that situation, because it's the same as crying from feeling sorry for myself. I just can't believe that I've done this to these people, and yet I don't know who they are. I feel incredibly selfish, pathetic, and basically worthless because I can't even realize that I'm not who I think I am. Fuck me, I couldn't even comfort Tyler today after he found out he couldn't even go on the trip...