(no subject)
Ugh, too many thoughts about the past and future. I truly don't wish to end my relationship with Veronica just yet, because I don't want her to have a shitty Christmas: no one deserves that. However, it seems the more I try to break away the more she holds on, so the more it hurts to want to end it. It becomes very difficult when she says things like, "To help myself cry during my speech, all I have to do is think about is losing you." I know she isn't doing it on purpose, but it is frustrating none the less. I don't want to have this relationship any more. We became far too serious far too fast. I confused the initial infatuation present in the first few months of a relation with love, and now that I don't feel that, I have realized that I never truly loved her, at least not on the level that I had once thought. However I do care about her very much, which is what makes me eventual actions so hard to even conceive at times. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, or anyone for that matter.
I have come to a realization. I have always viewed the blade as one of my muses, and as a symbolic part of myself. For a long period of time I thought of it as a sacrosanct object of purity and grace that could be used to protect myself and others. Then I realized my fault. It finally occurred to me that swords all have one function: to hurt people, even if in defense of others at the same time. That image of myself that I had held so precious to me has within the past months decayed and rusted into an image of pain and death. I have started to see this darker side of things in many aspects and happenings in my life. In short, all that I once thought pure about myself has corroded into an image of negativity. This extends far beyond the current situation into slight nuances throughout my concious life. I know this last passage is extremely chimerical, but oh well, at least I understand it. Perhaps that is why I am confused is because I think far too deep into things.
In other news, a great mass of the people I know are either physically sick or going through emotional/relationship turmoil, or both. Joy.
I have come to a realization. I have always viewed the blade as one of my muses, and as a symbolic part of myself. For a long period of time I thought of it as a sacrosanct object of purity and grace that could be used to protect myself and others. Then I realized my fault. It finally occurred to me that swords all have one function: to hurt people, even if in defense of others at the same time. That image of myself that I had held so precious to me has within the past months decayed and rusted into an image of pain and death. I have started to see this darker side of things in many aspects and happenings in my life. In short, all that I once thought pure about myself has corroded into an image of negativity. This extends far beyond the current situation into slight nuances throughout my concious life. I know this last passage is extremely chimerical, but oh well, at least I understand it. Perhaps that is why I am confused is because I think far too deep into things.
In other news, a great mass of the people I know are either physically sick or going through emotional/relationship turmoil, or both. Joy.