is this what middle middle middle age feels like?
i feel so ugly. and fat. well i know i'm fat. i just didn't think i was that ugly before.
the sudden realization of how most of my friends are coupling made me think, "why aren't i?". i know i'm still in that phase where i'm not looking for a relationship, a date, or a flirting buddy for that matter. but it still would be nice to know that a guy likes me. or finds me interesting at the very least.
i guess i'm not exactly putting myself out there. but, in the past, i never really did either, but i still have a guy who likes me, whether i like him back or not. now there isn't. or at least none that i know of. well there kinda is. but i don't think he counts. coz he moved to tennessee.
maybe it's coz we're getting old. and guys don't just fall in like as easily as they would 5 years ago. now they know what they want. or maybe, guys like the one i find interesting right now, aren't looking for a relationship at this point either. or maybe it's just the guy i like.
i dunno. i've become one of those girls. Those who take life easy and who has a lot of friends and hide behind a really fun, socially active life. but they come home to an empty house. no message on the machine. or prolly one. a girlfriend saying how fun her date was.
or maybe i'm over thinking things. i mean, i am having fun. and i am the one who pushes guys away. i don't know. i never allow myself to get to close to a guy, and when i do, i pull away. and then i complain how i don't have a guy. i don't know. i'm confused myself.
i think right now i'm just looking for a guy buddy. and when they start flirting with me, i cringe and walk away. but then i complain how i'm the only one among my friends who's still single. maybe... i like taking things really slow. and i don't want my guy buds to flirt with me unless i know for sure myself that i can flirt with them back.
maybe.
or maybe i'm gay.
the sudden realization of how most of my friends are coupling made me think, "why aren't i?". i know i'm still in that phase where i'm not looking for a relationship, a date, or a flirting buddy for that matter. but it still would be nice to know that a guy likes me. or finds me interesting at the very least.
i guess i'm not exactly putting myself out there. but, in the past, i never really did either, but i still have a guy who likes me, whether i like him back or not. now there isn't. or at least none that i know of. well there kinda is. but i don't think he counts. coz he moved to tennessee.
maybe it's coz we're getting old. and guys don't just fall in like as easily as they would 5 years ago. now they know what they want. or maybe, guys like the one i find interesting right now, aren't looking for a relationship at this point either. or maybe it's just the guy i like.
i dunno. i've become one of those girls. Those who take life easy and who has a lot of friends and hide behind a really fun, socially active life. but they come home to an empty house. no message on the machine. or prolly one. a girlfriend saying how fun her date was.
or maybe i'm over thinking things. i mean, i am having fun. and i am the one who pushes guys away. i don't know. i never allow myself to get to close to a guy, and when i do, i pull away. and then i complain how i don't have a guy. i don't know. i'm confused myself.
i think right now i'm just looking for a guy buddy. and when they start flirting with me, i cringe and walk away. but then i complain how i'm the only one among my friends who's still single. maybe... i like taking things really slow. and i don't want my guy buds to flirt with me unless i know for sure myself that i can flirt with them back.
maybe.
or maybe i'm gay.