(no subject)
2018, you've been extremely generous and simultaneously rough so far.
28+4. Gestational diabetes. Still hypertensive. If I wasn't depressed before, I'm pretty sure I'm getting there and fast.
I thought pregnancy was supposed to be a happy time. Beautiful and just wonderful. I have yet to experience that bit of it. Neither have I experienced the perks of pregnancy. I still often feel disconnected from the whole affair. Usually I just feel like a jar carrying precious cargo and nobody really cares whether the jar breaks.
I do try really hard to enjoy it. We've worked so hard for this pregnancy and I do want it so much. Even though I don't see the ultrasounds. Even through all the blood work and the myriad appointments that just makes me feel incredibly insufferable and troublesome. Even though it leaves me in quite some pain while also it's deprived me of my biggest comforts... Even though I've just lost all autonomy with my life. I know I want this baby. But it all feels so abstract like a dream that isn't mine and nobody really understands. I feel like I'm following through all the motions to a script of someone else' movie.
Stuff that I don't really want but feel obliged to accept? Baby shower I didn't really want? Someone else' rules about grandparenting that I have to follow? Stuff. Stuff. More stuff.
I'm tired, and starving and in pain. I can't talk to my husband cause he has work, other interests and a bedtime. It's not like I have anything of interest to say anyway... but when things like this California trip happen, I can't help but feel so worthless. He would make time to stay up late despite an early morning for this, for work, for other things... but unless I'm upset and in tears, not for me.
I wish he would just make me feel like he's on my side. But he's more concerned for everyone else. It's like, if people threw shit at me, he'd say 'Oh man, that sucks hun.' Then say something like 'Guess they had to get the shit off their hands.' He would then help the people who threw shit at me to wash their hands.
He would willingly pay for a car rental for them. Or pay for a psychological thing. Or spend his scant free time on them. But he'd count every dollar I spent on a burger and say 'I just did x for an hour with you!' when I express my unhappiness.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired and upset. I hate everyone. Maybe I deserve this cause I'm so horrible.
28+4. Gestational diabetes. Still hypertensive. If I wasn't depressed before, I'm pretty sure I'm getting there and fast.
I thought pregnancy was supposed to be a happy time. Beautiful and just wonderful. I have yet to experience that bit of it. Neither have I experienced the perks of pregnancy. I still often feel disconnected from the whole affair. Usually I just feel like a jar carrying precious cargo and nobody really cares whether the jar breaks.
I do try really hard to enjoy it. We've worked so hard for this pregnancy and I do want it so much. Even though I don't see the ultrasounds. Even through all the blood work and the myriad appointments that just makes me feel incredibly insufferable and troublesome. Even though it leaves me in quite some pain while also it's deprived me of my biggest comforts... Even though I've just lost all autonomy with my life. I know I want this baby. But it all feels so abstract like a dream that isn't mine and nobody really understands. I feel like I'm following through all the motions to a script of someone else' movie.
Stuff that I don't really want but feel obliged to accept? Baby shower I didn't really want? Someone else' rules about grandparenting that I have to follow? Stuff. Stuff. More stuff.
I'm tired, and starving and in pain. I can't talk to my husband cause he has work, other interests and a bedtime. It's not like I have anything of interest to say anyway... but when things like this California trip happen, I can't help but feel so worthless. He would make time to stay up late despite an early morning for this, for work, for other things... but unless I'm upset and in tears, not for me.
I wish he would just make me feel like he's on my side. But he's more concerned for everyone else. It's like, if people threw shit at me, he'd say 'Oh man, that sucks hun.' Then say something like 'Guess they had to get the shit off their hands.' He would then help the people who threw shit at me to wash their hands.
He would willingly pay for a car rental for them. Or pay for a psychological thing. Or spend his scant free time on them. But he'd count every dollar I spent on a burger and say 'I just did x for an hour with you!' when I express my unhappiness.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired and upset. I hate everyone. Maybe I deserve this cause I'm so horrible.