Letters
I used to write letters to people.
I never intended to send any of them, they were intended more to address all my unanswered questions and exorcise all these emotions that slowly drove me more and more insane by the day. But ever since Lawrence died, it's like I didn't want to anymore. I did at first, but after a while, I just didn't want to anymore. I hated the fact that the letters grew in numbers... But Lawrence would never be a part of anything after he died. It was just this ending that I couldn't move on from fully.
I'm working on a novel right now, and it's made my mind wander... I've lost a lot of friends.
Once I had this friend... A. I thought she was gonna be my closest friend forever. I thought we connected... on a real level. She was the first ever person I've ever been so honest with. I told her all the horrible things I was going through at the time. I told her how I felt about everything with unbridled angst. Man, I used to think I really lucked out to find such a friend. Maybe something was right in the world after all.
But that fell apart somehow.
I had this other friend. By the time I met A, I've been friends with B for maybe two years already. I don't know how the friendship with B deepened, but he quickly became someone I considered my bestfriend. I complained about life, and he used to stay up all night with me even though he was three hours ahead of me. He used to log in using different handles in the chat room, and I would always figure out that it was him. He used to say it annoyed him... But he told me once that he really loved feeling like someone in the world knew him at all. Ah. But I knew exactly what he meant. I felt the same about him. The people closest to me had no idea, but he knew when I was upset just from a few lines of text. He said the internet was magic because it helped me exist in his world. He was sweet, or just a sweer talker? I don't know. But he would remember my birthday and would greet me first. I used to call him a playa because he always said all these incredibly cheesy, romantic things. He would always get mad that i keep calling him one when he wasn't at all. He used to make pictures for me from anime that I liked to make me feel better...
I couldn't remember if I introduced them to each other, but after a while, A fell for B and B, after much deflection, finally rejected her. I got mad at him when she told me. She said that she begged him to tell her why... and he refused to say why. He just said sorry.
I stopped spending as much time online because life was slowly imploding on me. During this time, A finally found out why B rejected her. Even though she was explicitly told not to tell me, she did anyway. B liked me. So much. I told her she shouldn't take it so seriously, But she insisted he told her the truth. She told me she'd let go because we were friends.
And then it just unravelled from there. I was not online as much. And when I was able to log on, it was not for very long. She'd tell me he missed me so much and that he was so miserable that I was never on, he stopped logging on himself. She didn't like that. She didn't like that I didn't acknowledge his feellings for me when he finally told me. I think she hated me because in her eyes I was blatantly stomping all over something that she wanted.
They're no longer a part of my life. I don't know what they're up to now. But during those formative years of my life, they were my everything. They really did save me.
I never intended to send any of them, they were intended more to address all my unanswered questions and exorcise all these emotions that slowly drove me more and more insane by the day. But ever since Lawrence died, it's like I didn't want to anymore. I did at first, but after a while, I just didn't want to anymore. I hated the fact that the letters grew in numbers... But Lawrence would never be a part of anything after he died. It was just this ending that I couldn't move on from fully.
I'm working on a novel right now, and it's made my mind wander... I've lost a lot of friends.
Once I had this friend... A. I thought she was gonna be my closest friend forever. I thought we connected... on a real level. She was the first ever person I've ever been so honest with. I told her all the horrible things I was going through at the time. I told her how I felt about everything with unbridled angst. Man, I used to think I really lucked out to find such a friend. Maybe something was right in the world after all.
But that fell apart somehow.
I had this other friend. By the time I met A, I've been friends with B for maybe two years already. I don't know how the friendship with B deepened, but he quickly became someone I considered my bestfriend. I complained about life, and he used to stay up all night with me even though he was three hours ahead of me. He used to log in using different handles in the chat room, and I would always figure out that it was him. He used to say it annoyed him... But he told me once that he really loved feeling like someone in the world knew him at all. Ah. But I knew exactly what he meant. I felt the same about him. The people closest to me had no idea, but he knew when I was upset just from a few lines of text. He said the internet was magic because it helped me exist in his world. He was sweet, or just a sweer talker? I don't know. But he would remember my birthday and would greet me first. I used to call him a playa because he always said all these incredibly cheesy, romantic things. He would always get mad that i keep calling him one when he wasn't at all. He used to make pictures for me from anime that I liked to make me feel better...
I couldn't remember if I introduced them to each other, but after a while, A fell for B and B, after much deflection, finally rejected her. I got mad at him when she told me. She said that she begged him to tell her why... and he refused to say why. He just said sorry.
I stopped spending as much time online because life was slowly imploding on me. During this time, A finally found out why B rejected her. Even though she was explicitly told not to tell me, she did anyway. B liked me. So much. I told her she shouldn't take it so seriously, But she insisted he told her the truth. She told me she'd let go because we were friends.
And then it just unravelled from there. I was not online as much. And when I was able to log on, it was not for very long. She'd tell me he missed me so much and that he was so miserable that I was never on, he stopped logging on himself. She didn't like that. She didn't like that I didn't acknowledge his feellings for me when he finally told me. I think she hated me because in her eyes I was blatantly stomping all over something that she wanted.
They're no longer a part of my life. I don't know what they're up to now. But during those formative years of my life, they were my everything. They really did save me.