to be back...

[detrious]

here in Orange City. God I hope this only lasts a month. So tired of the bullshit already. She's not even gone, but I miss her. This whole thing has been unexpected.

I guess I didn't really take it seriously at first, I didn't think it'd be anything more than a physical thing. It wasn't until Jimmy and I decided on moving to Orlando that I really started to care. I kept it from Kel. At first I didn't want to rub it in her face; just another way for me to protect her; then I just didn't care to...she didn't ask, I didn't tell. I suppose she's angry with me now, but everything between us is crazy right now. I can hold it against her all I want, but the truth is I wasn't ready for a child, and neither was she. I our situation was so fucked that it would have been stupid to throw a kid in the middle. She still should have told me...

So as good as things are, -she- and I are breaking it off. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, that I didn't love her already. I feel like I'm losing something I won't find again. My heart is heavy.

I don't know how this will turn out, but I know what I want. That's a weird feeling to have, for a change.