(no subject)
I got my costume finally. Hawkes is supposed to coordinate, but I guess we'll see what happens. Wow. I have a date and we're coordinating...weird.
It amazes me how quickly time goes by and how much things can change. It's been over a year now that I've been in New York and...I don't know. Truth is, I can see my birthday around the corner. Still a few months away, yes, but it's coming. And my sister is getting married soon. My nieces and nephews are growing up and I'm missing it. Kala has seemingly changed her entire mindset of life since I moved here (which I blame completely on Ben, but in a good way. Damnit...I like him.). I'm not a lot further than where I was to start with, but things are still good. I've got my partner, who's one of the best friends I have right now..I've got Sheldon who I'm crazy about...I'm in good health.
But time is moving.
So what am I getting at...I'm getting at...I'm getting old. I want a family. I know women have babies into their forties. I know. I'm not dried out yet. And, honestly, I don't need to have my own kids. I'm more than happy to adopt or foster. Maybe I would rather adopt. Thing is - not many people will adopt a kid to someone like me. Would be single parent, cop...COP. Wouldn't matter if I could provide for the child. I'm not the ideal candidate for adopting. Not saying it's impossible...
But would I want to do it alone? Not really. I'm sure I could, but...I want a family. I want to offer a child, maybe more than one, things that others don't have. A loving home. A good life.
I'm at the time in life where I don't see the point of dating if there's no chance of it going somewhere. I don't have that kind of time. No, I'm not going to rush things. Not at all. But I'm not going to hold to something that will certainly end. I did that with Paulo and I lost years. I haven't dated seriously since him. He was the world for me for two years. I had thought - stupidly - that we were going to wind up together. Have a family. I thought I was holding on for the end. That was wrong of me.
And Sheldon...what am I supposed to think about that? We've known each other a year. We've only been dating - somewhat - seriously for a handful of months now. And yea, I really like him. I'm falling for him. Can't help it, he's just a wonderful man. That doesn't mean, though, that we're ready to talk about certain things. No, I don't know if we're serious or if it's going to last. I don't know what I want from us. So how do I get to the point to ask him if he wants kids one day? A family?
If he doesn't...I'd rather get out now. Before I fall. Before either of us can get hurt. That's probably selfish of me, but it's how it is. Bailey's told me that I shouldn't push away the idea of a good relationship, just because there may not be a family out of it...but how happy can I be if I'm not living with what I want?
It amazes me how quickly time goes by and how much things can change. It's been over a year now that I've been in New York and...I don't know. Truth is, I can see my birthday around the corner. Still a few months away, yes, but it's coming. And my sister is getting married soon. My nieces and nephews are growing up and I'm missing it. Kala has seemingly changed her entire mindset of life since I moved here (which I blame completely on Ben, but in a good way. Damnit...I like him.). I'm not a lot further than where I was to start with, but things are still good. I've got my partner, who's one of the best friends I have right now..I've got Sheldon who I'm crazy about...I'm in good health.
But time is moving.
So what am I getting at...I'm getting at...I'm getting old. I want a family. I know women have babies into their forties. I know. I'm not dried out yet. And, honestly, I don't need to have my own kids. I'm more than happy to adopt or foster. Maybe I would rather adopt. Thing is - not many people will adopt a kid to someone like me. Would be single parent, cop...COP. Wouldn't matter if I could provide for the child. I'm not the ideal candidate for adopting. Not saying it's impossible...
But would I want to do it alone? Not really. I'm sure I could, but...I want a family. I want to offer a child, maybe more than one, things that others don't have. A loving home. A good life.
I'm at the time in life where I don't see the point of dating if there's no chance of it going somewhere. I don't have that kind of time. No, I'm not going to rush things. Not at all. But I'm not going to hold to something that will certainly end. I did that with Paulo and I lost years. I haven't dated seriously since him. He was the world for me for two years. I had thought - stupidly - that we were going to wind up together. Have a family. I thought I was holding on for the end. That was wrong of me.
And Sheldon...what am I supposed to think about that? We've known each other a year. We've only been dating - somewhat - seriously for a handful of months now. And yea, I really like him. I'm falling for him. Can't help it, he's just a wonderful man. That doesn't mean, though, that we're ready to talk about certain things. No, I don't know if we're serious or if it's going to last. I don't know what I want from us. So how do I get to the point to ask him if he wants kids one day? A family?
If he doesn't...I'd rather get out now. Before I fall. Before either of us can get hurt. That's probably selfish of me, but it's how it is. Bailey's told me that I shouldn't push away the idea of a good relationship, just because there may not be a family out of it...but how happy can I be if I'm not living with what I want?