*gag*
Do you know that feeling of vomit in the back of your throat? Yeah...I got that. I'm nervous. I honestly don't want to be alone, but it seems that I'm my most content when I am. I tend to hurt others by what means I have no idea, but it seems to me that people want to hang around me less and less as I get older. I'm not sure what part of me is changing...but I think I am. For better? For worse??? Who knows.
I find lately that I've been very very obsessed with world of warcraft. I feel that people on there can't hurt me (although there is an occasional person I can't stand...) and I can't hurt them. The fact I'm not around them kind of comforts me, yet I can "talk" to them through means of interactivity. (It also doesn't help that I'm obsessed with the game). I'm not sure if this obsession is healthy or not (probably not...), and I don't know if I need help...but I feel my utmost content(ness) when I'm playing on my computer. My patience level for people is ZERO and I can't even stand myself most of the time!
Apathy is a way to go for me it seems. It's not only because of the people around me that makes me worry, hurt, or whatnot....but it's also myself. I feel very disappointed with my life thus far and nothing seems to be going as I would like it to. If I don't get into Emily Carr or VC I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe odd jobs? Become a permanent temp? Who knows. I know a lot of people would be disappointed with me if I go and waste all their time and money by saying "screw it" and give up on what I want.
What do I want? Alas, this is unknown for me as well...At this moment all I really need is well...a hug. I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that I'm not a big screw up as I think I am. As odd as this sounds I want to feel depressed....rather than the vomity icky feeling of sickness in my heart (and the back of my throat). I want to throw my hands in the air and scream all my agony into abyss. That won't help really. But it'll be a release for me....
Release from my pain that I have NO idea what it is exactly. I'm very lonely I think and all I can see is happiness coming from my computer for the people talking to me on WoW won't leave me. I have a terrible tendency of shoving people away from my life. I guess even though after years of being bullied and having only one true friend in elementary....junior high...highschool....I'm not used to people. I'm very awkward (sp?) with talking to people...I'm always nervous on what I'm going to say to make myself look...stupid.
So yeah, there's my big rant (would you call it a rant???). I have no idea what to do at all. I have no idea what to do with my relationship with Nick now...it seems we're drifting apart and all I can really do is blame myself (such as I did with my previous relationship). I live in the past and I really have to stop it and face the present as well as look into the future. All in all...I need to grow up.
I find lately that I've been very very obsessed with world of warcraft. I feel that people on there can't hurt me (although there is an occasional person I can't stand...) and I can't hurt them. The fact I'm not around them kind of comforts me, yet I can "talk" to them through means of interactivity. (It also doesn't help that I'm obsessed with the game). I'm not sure if this obsession is healthy or not (probably not...), and I don't know if I need help...but I feel my utmost content(ness) when I'm playing on my computer. My patience level for people is ZERO and I can't even stand myself most of the time!
Apathy is a way to go for me it seems. It's not only because of the people around me that makes me worry, hurt, or whatnot....but it's also myself. I feel very disappointed with my life thus far and nothing seems to be going as I would like it to. If I don't get into Emily Carr or VC I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe odd jobs? Become a permanent temp? Who knows. I know a lot of people would be disappointed with me if I go and waste all their time and money by saying "screw it" and give up on what I want.
What do I want? Alas, this is unknown for me as well...At this moment all I really need is well...a hug. I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that I'm not a big screw up as I think I am. As odd as this sounds I want to feel depressed....rather than the vomity icky feeling of sickness in my heart (and the back of my throat). I want to throw my hands in the air and scream all my agony into abyss. That won't help really. But it'll be a release for me....
Release from my pain that I have NO idea what it is exactly. I'm very lonely I think and all I can see is happiness coming from my computer for the people talking to me on WoW won't leave me. I have a terrible tendency of shoving people away from my life. I guess even though after years of being bullied and having only one true friend in elementary....junior high...highschool....I'm not used to people. I'm very awkward (sp?) with talking to people...I'm always nervous on what I'm going to say to make myself look...stupid.
So yeah, there's my big rant (would you call it a rant???). I have no idea what to do at all. I have no idea what to do with my relationship with Nick now...it seems we're drifting apart and all I can really do is blame myself (such as I did with my previous relationship). I live in the past and I really have to stop it and face the present as well as look into the future. All in all...I need to grow up.