(no subject)
*edited*
This trip has been shit. More of that up and down in life that I've been good enough to have going for me. On Friday, after lunch with Alex, and a long talk...I was done. I was just...done. I took a long walk and thought then came back to the room, and she was gone. Went home for the weekend. Which I think was good. I'm not mad about the things she said, I never am...not mad at her at least. I needed some alone time. I spent all late afternoon alone in the dark room...thinking. And I was telling myself, you can't spend much of weekend with him. You've got to keep up appearances. Which, despite what others think, I am trying. I am, but...when it comes to the point of feeling like a disappointment to everyone, when I'm upsetting people, when I don't know how to say things to anyone...
It's one reason why I came up to see him last week. And it made me feel so much better. That comfort and security, away from everything else. And in doing that I made other things worse. Not to mention that when he left for this trial we were on the brink of "Are we going to try this or give up?" When we spoke on the phone, after he left...things just weren't right with us. And I couldn't leave things...not right. Not when I realized that I didn't want to give up.
No, I don't always think things through, but...I'm human. I'm far from perfect. I am as imperfect as they come. And he sees that. He sees that, but he can still take me in his arms and tell me it's going to be okay. And I believe him. He is just that damn convincing. And maybe I shouldn't be believing him after knowing him only...a couple months or so...but I do.
The more people I piss off and hurt, and turn away...he is still smiling at me. Still wanting me and understanding that I don't do things the right way, and he holds onto me.
So yes. Even though I should have kept away from him this weekend, even though we only have to wait a few more weeks to stop hiding...I didn't. I was in his arms, where things are going to be okay. Because his warmth, and his voice in my ear...it's the only time I feel like a good person right now.
And I am being as damn careful as I can, because I don't want to screw up this trial.
This trip has been shit. More of that up and down in life that I've been good enough to have going for me. On Friday, after lunch with Alex, and a long talk...I was done. I was just...done. I took a long walk and thought then came back to the room, and she was gone. Went home for the weekend. Which I think was good. I'm not mad about the things she said, I never am...not mad at her at least. I needed some alone time. I spent all late afternoon alone in the dark room...thinking. And I was telling myself, you can't spend much of weekend with him. You've got to keep up appearances. Which, despite what others think, I am trying. I am, but...when it comes to the point of feeling like a disappointment to everyone, when I'm upsetting people, when I don't know how to say things to anyone...
It's one reason why I came up to see him last week. And it made me feel so much better. That comfort and security, away from everything else. And in doing that I made other things worse. Not to mention that when he left for this trial we were on the brink of "Are we going to try this or give up?" When we spoke on the phone, after he left...things just weren't right with us. And I couldn't leave things...not right. Not when I realized that I didn't want to give up.
No, I don't always think things through, but...I'm human. I'm far from perfect. I am as imperfect as they come. And he sees that. He sees that, but he can still take me in his arms and tell me it's going to be okay. And I believe him. He is just that damn convincing. And maybe I shouldn't be believing him after knowing him only...a couple months or so...but I do.
The more people I piss off and hurt, and turn away...he is still smiling at me. Still wanting me and understanding that I don't do things the right way, and he holds onto me.
So yes. Even though I should have kept away from him this weekend, even though we only have to wait a few more weeks to stop hiding...I didn't. I was in his arms, where things are going to be okay. Because his warmth, and his voice in my ear...it's the only time I feel like a good person right now.
And I am being as damn careful as I can, because I don't want to screw up this trial.