Why Can't I just give up...
and curl up in a ball and just not get move ever again?
I'm so frustrated at work, I've been trying really hard to get everything down but clearly I'm just not good enough. I've been training for like a month now and still don't have it down...I was supposed to train for like TWO WEEKS and the way things are going I'm going to be "training" until mid-July it's pathetic and I am having a really hard time keeping up enough motivation to do it.
I tried asking my boss when he thought I'd be able to go to Petsmart, he just said he wasn't sure, I wasn't up to where he wanted me to be yet and he'd keep getting feed back from people. The problem is that doesn't help me at all. If I'm doing something wrong I need to know WHAT! I've tried to ask people I shadow with how I did when I do an adoption while they watch and they just say "not bad" "you did OK" etc. but I don't get feed back so...how the FUCK am I supposed to learn. When I planned to talk to him I wanted to also ask him about that...what can I do to improve but it was like half an hour after closing when I got the chance and I didn't feel like wasting his time...maybe I will tomorrow but I just don't know if I can get up the energy it takes to care anymore.
After I "talked" to him I cried several times, I'd cry a bit get over it but then break down again. I wanted so badly to talk to somebody, I wanted somebody there to understand how depressed and frustrated I was but nobody noticed. I know I walked by a couple people and I am sure it was noticeable I had been crying but nobody said anything, as I was walking out behind one of the other adopters and the boss I started to cry again but nobody noticed, even as she was talking to me and I leaned on the wall she didn't notice. The only time somebody noticed was as I sat by the door trying to make sure I wasn't going to burst into tears again, I was in the dark because the lights had been turned off and the boss and a different worker were leaving. I had to get up then and leave with them because the boss was going to set the alarm-clearly he'd not noticed me at all....I could hear the other worker as I got up ask the boss if I was OK-and that I'd been sitting there. He was the only one to ask me if I was OK as I passed and of course I didn't talk-I sort of waved and in a quivering voice said "not really"
I don't really get my feelings when I am upset like this, I want people to care but I don't want to be loud about it. Like I'll cry and I will try to not be obvious about it but at the same time be wishing somebody would notice.
I just feel like I'm not good enough to be here, like am I really going to get it if I haven't by now? I don't know, he seems nice enough about it but he told me when I had the interview the plan was to get me to the store in two weeks because they really needed the workers there...so how the HELL can they not be losing confidence in me? I don't see how they could still be putting up with me if I am obviously not what they wanted.
I'm trying to not give up to not be completely depressed, I want badly to just keep working as hard as I can and be pleased with that at least until they finally tell me I'm not good enough and fire me...but it's hard. I can't do what they want me to do and I feel like I never will be able to. I have no idea what I want do with with my life and I felt like this might help give me some direction, instead it's only making me doubt myself more.
I'm so frustrated at work, I've been trying really hard to get everything down but clearly I'm just not good enough. I've been training for like a month now and still don't have it down...I was supposed to train for like TWO WEEKS and the way things are going I'm going to be "training" until mid-July it's pathetic and I am having a really hard time keeping up enough motivation to do it.
I tried asking my boss when he thought I'd be able to go to Petsmart, he just said he wasn't sure, I wasn't up to where he wanted me to be yet and he'd keep getting feed back from people. The problem is that doesn't help me at all. If I'm doing something wrong I need to know WHAT! I've tried to ask people I shadow with how I did when I do an adoption while they watch and they just say "not bad" "you did OK" etc. but I don't get feed back so...how the FUCK am I supposed to learn. When I planned to talk to him I wanted to also ask him about that...what can I do to improve but it was like half an hour after closing when I got the chance and I didn't feel like wasting his time...maybe I will tomorrow but I just don't know if I can get up the energy it takes to care anymore.
After I "talked" to him I cried several times, I'd cry a bit get over it but then break down again. I wanted so badly to talk to somebody, I wanted somebody there to understand how depressed and frustrated I was but nobody noticed. I know I walked by a couple people and I am sure it was noticeable I had been crying but nobody said anything, as I was walking out behind one of the other adopters and the boss I started to cry again but nobody noticed, even as she was talking to me and I leaned on the wall she didn't notice. The only time somebody noticed was as I sat by the door trying to make sure I wasn't going to burst into tears again, I was in the dark because the lights had been turned off and the boss and a different worker were leaving. I had to get up then and leave with them because the boss was going to set the alarm-clearly he'd not noticed me at all....I could hear the other worker as I got up ask the boss if I was OK-and that I'd been sitting there. He was the only one to ask me if I was OK as I passed and of course I didn't talk-I sort of waved and in a quivering voice said "not really"
I don't really get my feelings when I am upset like this, I want people to care but I don't want to be loud about it. Like I'll cry and I will try to not be obvious about it but at the same time be wishing somebody would notice.
I just feel like I'm not good enough to be here, like am I really going to get it if I haven't by now? I don't know, he seems nice enough about it but he told me when I had the interview the plan was to get me to the store in two weeks because they really needed the workers there...so how the HELL can they not be losing confidence in me? I don't see how they could still be putting up with me if I am obviously not what they wanted.
I'm trying to not give up to not be completely depressed, I want badly to just keep working as hard as I can and be pleased with that at least until they finally tell me I'm not good enough and fire me...but it's hard. I can't do what they want me to do and I feel like I never will be able to. I have no idea what I want do with with my life and I felt like this might help give me some direction, instead it's only making me doubt myself more.