Christmas at the Shores #4
December 13th-14th
There was one holiday “tradition” Alex never looked forward to, and that was her visit to see Bobby Goren. It wasn’t the only time she went every year, far from it. In fact, she usually went the second Saturday every month, but the “Christmas” visit was always the worst.
She didn’t really know what exactly made that trip worse than the others. Maybe it was the attempt to make the place look more festive. Maybe it was the fact that the man she once hoped to be sharing all these wonderful holiday “moments” with was reduced to either incoherent babbling or confused, child-like, behavior most visits. Or maybe it was guilt. She and Alan both knew the ink on her divorce from Bobby had barely dried before they started their relationship. They both knew that, despite his early attempts not to, he had become Rachel’s father, completely taking Bobby Goren’s place in every way except her last name. They never really talked about it, but that guilt was there for both of them, and while she wouldn’t change anything about her life, she did regret what became of Bobby Goren.
“What time are you leaving tomorrow?” Alan asked softly as he got in bed that evening, pulling her away from her thoughts and back to “real” life.
“The usual time.” She said, trying to keep her tone light, as if they were talking about going to the gym and not going to visit her unstable, mentally insane, ex-husband.
“How was he the last time? You didn’t say…”
She usually didn’t say much about her visits there. She would come home around dinnertime, do her usual “mom” routine, and then spend the rest of the evening on her own being quiet. Alan seemed to understand her need to have a few hours to herself after visiting Bobby, and he respected that. He never questioned it. He would simply tell her he would be in his office if she needed him, then join her for bed, offering her a simple goodnight kiss and a shoulder to lean on if she needed it. Sometimes she needed it, but for the most part, she preferred to reflect to herself and then return to their normal daily lives the next day.
“November? He was… how he usually is.” That meant he spent the entire time telling her about an old case. He rarely recognized her, and when he did, he almost never knew her as his ex-wife. Telling him about Rachel usually completely threw him into a tailspin and he insisted his wife was pregnant and gone. The last time she’d tried he’d flipped the table over on her and had to be restrained, and so she usually found it better to just go along with whatever delusion he was having that day.
“I was thinking…” Alan was speaking with caution, which was an unusual tone for him. He normally had such a natural way with words that when he was really being cautious and unsure of himself it sounded odd to her, awkward even, and very much not like her husband. “Maybe you should take Rachel this time?”
“Alan, no.” Alex sat up to look at him better. “He doesn’t recognize me most of the time, and can get violent. She’s five. She doesn’t understand.”
“That’s what worries me, Alex.” Alan sat up too. This subject had obviously been on his mind for a while, and he clearly felt more strongly about it than she knew. “She should know he’s her father.”
“You’re her father.”
“And I love being her father. You know that. You know I love her just as much as I love Kathryn, and that I would do anything for her. It’s just that…” He stopped himself and shook his head, collecting his thoughts. The guilt that had been building up for the past six years was obvious from the look on his face.
“It’s just that, being her father is a privilege. I get to listen to her talk about her day, and watch her learn to ride a bike. I get to be here to check her closet for monsters and comfort her when she’s sad. Someday I will get to threaten her future boyfriends when she’s a teenager, and watch her walk across the stage at graduation. I look forward to walking her down the aisle at her wedding, and seeing the remarkable person she will grow-up to become. I get to do all these things, sharing a wonderful life with you, and I can’t help but sometimes feel as if I’ve stolen it away from him.”
She was quiet for a minute, unsure what to say. He hadn’t said anything that she hadn’t thought about herself, but hearing it from him somehow made it seem worse. It was a strange situation. It had been all along, from the first day he came into their lives. She honestly didn’t know what to say to him right now, so she simply sat there quietly, reaching over for his hand in a comforting gesture.
He squeezed back, then put an arm around his wife, seemingly needed that physical contact for the moment. They sat like that a minute before he spoke again. “She needs to know about him, Alex. It’s only fair.”
“I know.” She said softly, reaching over for his hand. “I know, and you’re right. I need to do a better job telling her about him, but she can’t come with me tomorrow. It’s too dangerous.”
He started to protest but she stopped him. He really had no idea what Bobby Goren could be capable of, but she’d seen it first hand, and she knew it wasn’t a safe place to take her daughter.
“You have to trust me, Alan. If he ever gets to the point where I think he can handle it, I’ll bring her, but right now? No. She could get hurt.”
He seemed to understand the seriousness of her tone, and let the matter drop. He nodded a little and kissed her forehead before leaning over to turn out the light. “If you need me to come…”
“I know. You always offer. But this is something I should do on my own.”
He nodded again and got comfortable in the bed. That was something she loved about Alan. He could be insistent and a pushy pain in the ass when he needed to be, but he also knew when to let her have her space, and she appreciated that.
The next morning she went off for her usual visit, and came home at the usual time. It had been a long trip, and a long day, and Alan could tell by looking at her that she was exhausted. Therefore, he had volunteered to put both of the kids to bed, but Alex had insisted on putting Rachel to bed that night herself, which surprised him as she normally thanked him and went to take a long hot bath after “visiting day”.
After tucking in his youngest daughter he went to check on Rachel and Alex. Rachel looked up when he appeared in the door, her face shining with excitement. “Daddy, look! My biological father has curly hair just like me!”
Alan chuckled a little and joined Alex on Rachel’s bed, taking the spot on her other side and surveying the collection of pictures Alex had out. “So you do. You’re smart like him too.”
Rachel beamed and looked up at her mother. “Do you have any more stories, Mommy?”
Alex laughed a little and leaned back against the pillows. “One more… Did I ever tell you about the first time I met Bobby?”
With that the storytelling began. Alan listened, feeling better the more Alex talked. He was Rachel’s father, yes. He gladly accepted that job with honor. But she would know her other father as well. The man Alan Shore would forever be indebted to for his family, Bobby Goren.
There was one holiday “tradition” Alex never looked forward to, and that was her visit to see Bobby Goren. It wasn’t the only time she went every year, far from it. In fact, she usually went the second Saturday every month, but the “Christmas” visit was always the worst.
She didn’t really know what exactly made that trip worse than the others. Maybe it was the attempt to make the place look more festive. Maybe it was the fact that the man she once hoped to be sharing all these wonderful holiday “moments” with was reduced to either incoherent babbling or confused, child-like, behavior most visits. Or maybe it was guilt. She and Alan both knew the ink on her divorce from Bobby had barely dried before they started their relationship. They both knew that, despite his early attempts not to, he had become Rachel’s father, completely taking Bobby Goren’s place in every way except her last name. They never really talked about it, but that guilt was there for both of them, and while she wouldn’t change anything about her life, she did regret what became of Bobby Goren.
“What time are you leaving tomorrow?” Alan asked softly as he got in bed that evening, pulling her away from her thoughts and back to “real” life.
“The usual time.” She said, trying to keep her tone light, as if they were talking about going to the gym and not going to visit her unstable, mentally insane, ex-husband.
“How was he the last time? You didn’t say…”
She usually didn’t say much about her visits there. She would come home around dinnertime, do her usual “mom” routine, and then spend the rest of the evening on her own being quiet. Alan seemed to understand her need to have a few hours to herself after visiting Bobby, and he respected that. He never questioned it. He would simply tell her he would be in his office if she needed him, then join her for bed, offering her a simple goodnight kiss and a shoulder to lean on if she needed it. Sometimes she needed it, but for the most part, she preferred to reflect to herself and then return to their normal daily lives the next day.
“November? He was… how he usually is.” That meant he spent the entire time telling her about an old case. He rarely recognized her, and when he did, he almost never knew her as his ex-wife. Telling him about Rachel usually completely threw him into a tailspin and he insisted his wife was pregnant and gone. The last time she’d tried he’d flipped the table over on her and had to be restrained, and so she usually found it better to just go along with whatever delusion he was having that day.
“I was thinking…” Alan was speaking with caution, which was an unusual tone for him. He normally had such a natural way with words that when he was really being cautious and unsure of himself it sounded odd to her, awkward even, and very much not like her husband. “Maybe you should take Rachel this time?”
“Alan, no.” Alex sat up to look at him better. “He doesn’t recognize me most of the time, and can get violent. She’s five. She doesn’t understand.”
“That’s what worries me, Alex.” Alan sat up too. This subject had obviously been on his mind for a while, and he clearly felt more strongly about it than she knew. “She should know he’s her father.”
“You’re her father.”
“And I love being her father. You know that. You know I love her just as much as I love Kathryn, and that I would do anything for her. It’s just that…” He stopped himself and shook his head, collecting his thoughts. The guilt that had been building up for the past six years was obvious from the look on his face.
“It’s just that, being her father is a privilege. I get to listen to her talk about her day, and watch her learn to ride a bike. I get to be here to check her closet for monsters and comfort her when she’s sad. Someday I will get to threaten her future boyfriends when she’s a teenager, and watch her walk across the stage at graduation. I look forward to walking her down the aisle at her wedding, and seeing the remarkable person she will grow-up to become. I get to do all these things, sharing a wonderful life with you, and I can’t help but sometimes feel as if I’ve stolen it away from him.”
She was quiet for a minute, unsure what to say. He hadn’t said anything that she hadn’t thought about herself, but hearing it from him somehow made it seem worse. It was a strange situation. It had been all along, from the first day he came into their lives. She honestly didn’t know what to say to him right now, so she simply sat there quietly, reaching over for his hand in a comforting gesture.
He squeezed back, then put an arm around his wife, seemingly needed that physical contact for the moment. They sat like that a minute before he spoke again. “She needs to know about him, Alex. It’s only fair.”
“I know.” She said softly, reaching over for his hand. “I know, and you’re right. I need to do a better job telling her about him, but she can’t come with me tomorrow. It’s too dangerous.”
He started to protest but she stopped him. He really had no idea what Bobby Goren could be capable of, but she’d seen it first hand, and she knew it wasn’t a safe place to take her daughter.
“You have to trust me, Alan. If he ever gets to the point where I think he can handle it, I’ll bring her, but right now? No. She could get hurt.”
He seemed to understand the seriousness of her tone, and let the matter drop. He nodded a little and kissed her forehead before leaning over to turn out the light. “If you need me to come…”
“I know. You always offer. But this is something I should do on my own.”
He nodded again and got comfortable in the bed. That was something she loved about Alan. He could be insistent and a pushy pain in the ass when he needed to be, but he also knew when to let her have her space, and she appreciated that.
The next morning she went off for her usual visit, and came home at the usual time. It had been a long trip, and a long day, and Alan could tell by looking at her that she was exhausted. Therefore, he had volunteered to put both of the kids to bed, but Alex had insisted on putting Rachel to bed that night herself, which surprised him as she normally thanked him and went to take a long hot bath after “visiting day”.
After tucking in his youngest daughter he went to check on Rachel and Alex. Rachel looked up when he appeared in the door, her face shining with excitement. “Daddy, look! My biological father has curly hair just like me!”
Alan chuckled a little and joined Alex on Rachel’s bed, taking the spot on her other side and surveying the collection of pictures Alex had out. “So you do. You’re smart like him too.”
Rachel beamed and looked up at her mother. “Do you have any more stories, Mommy?”
Alex laughed a little and leaned back against the pillows. “One more… Did I ever tell you about the first time I met Bobby?”
With that the storytelling began. Alan listened, feeling better the more Alex talked. He was Rachel’s father, yes. He gladly accepted that job with honor. But she would know her other father as well. The man Alan Shore would forever be indebted to for his family, Bobby Goren.