(no subject)
Things just keep getting ever more dismal. Finally someone said to me what I've known all along everyone was thinking. My cousin got ahold of my phone number and is now calling to visit. First of all, remember the part where I didn't want to be attached to anyone around here, especially old friends because when I leave I want to just leave. I don't want ties to this place after I'm gone. Anyway, I said something about trying to get out of here and she said I wouldn't get any farther than Grand Junction (which is the closest city...45 miles away). It's a common theory around this Hellhole, that no one ever really leaves. They might take an extended vacation, even for years, but they always come back. It's the black hole in the center of town...if you get caught in its gravitational pull you get sucked in and can't leave. And that's the other reason I didn't want "friends." "Friends" are part of the black hole. Not because you become attached and don't want to leave them but because they say crap like she said. People here are so closed minded and sheltered.
But, I find closed minded people everywhere I go, it seems. My Little Sister from the sorority emails me to tell me about the new class of rushies for the Fall semester. And she says that a few of them remind her of a former sister who quit a year ago. And then she says no that's not a good thing. Well, I haven't met these new ladies but I think my Little is being seriously unfair. As I said, I don't know these new girls but I'm sure that she means they like to party and they are a little wild. Nikki, the girl she said they remind her of, partied, yes, she was a little wild, yes, (she was 20 what did they expect, a Volvo driving soccer mom? [a cookie to the first person who gets that joke]) but she was a very devoted member of the sorority who happened to get bullied out. People often have one of two impressions of me. Either that I am scary and am ready to beat the crap out of the first person who upsets me or they think I'm a good listener and always know the right thing to say. Unfortunately, the good listener with the right things to say is often asked to not tell anyone else. Last spring (2003) Nikki's dad died. So she couldn't pay her dues to the sorority because of his hospital bills and the funeral costs and whatnot. Fine and dandy. Well...over the summer she bought a new truck and everyone in the sorority freaked. Nikki comes to me and says why is everyone made at me? I told her because she couldn't pay her dues and now she has a new truck. She said if they wanted her to, she would explain all of that to them...her mom made a deal with her, whatever she could save from working for three months over the summer, her mom would match from her dad's life insurance money and she could buy a car. The insurance money didn't come in until June or July so she didn't have it in the spring to pay her dues but she told me if they wanted her to she would pay them then (September). But instead of talking to her and finding out what the real story was, they just bullied her until she said fuck it, I don't need this headache. But because no one was willing to find out what really happened, and I was asked to let her take care of it herself, everyone now has this horrible image of her. All because her dad died and she couldn't fulfill some of her responsibilities. And now, because of those horrible attitudes toward her, the new girls are getting the bums rush because they party and like to go out and have a good time. Once again...they're 18, 19, 20 and on their own away from their parents...how can you judge them based on liking to party?
That's one thing that's always bugged about the chapter. Not the sorority in general because I'm sure that not all of the thousands of ladies across the country can look at things from the same two faces.... they condemn new girls because they like to party but they spend more time in bars and at parties than any of my non-Greek friends...actually, that's true. The girls in the sorority go to the bar (two or three different bars, depending on the night) twice or three times a waek... and they never just go to have a couple of drinks and visit... They go to one bar on Tuesday because ladies drink free until 11. They go to have several drinks and party. The only reason I've been in a bar with other friends in the past three years is because Omar's band was playing or someone was having a birthday party. And don't give me the "It's okay for us because we're 21 and it's not for them because they're not" crap...first of all...not all of them are 21, one of them has a fake ID, and second...they partied and drank when they were minors too so my theory "don't criticize me for something unless you are perfect" applies. Don't slam them for drinking underage unless you can honestly say, with absolutely no doubt, that you never did.
So...basically, I maintain that I hate people. My cousin, just like I am sure everyone else in this gods forsaken town, doesn't believe that I'll get out of this town...Which just makes me even more determined. I don't want them to be right. I don't want to be one more person who can't leave this Hellhole, who gets sucked into the black hole of Calcutta... I hate this place and every new person I talk to makes me hate it even worse.
Another problem I encountered tonight...talking with my cousin....another reason I can't stay here...is that I have changed in the past few years. A lot. And she hasn't. She was still remembering someone that she knew five years ago. I can't blame her for that. But that's not who I am anymore. But, she's still the same self-involved person she was when I last saw her. We were on the phone for nearly an hour and she talked for about 45 minutes...Part of that was because I didn't have anything to say really but I'm not sure she really noticed. I can't go back to that. To having friends who really don't care about my life, who are more interested in telling me about a guy I don't know, and will never know, becoming a minister. I miss my friends...I miss having people to talk to who actually want to hear what I have to say rather than waiting on pins and needles to get back to their own story.
I guess I'm done rambling. I'm frustrated and feeling ever more stuck the longer I stay here. How about some rich long lost uncle kicks the bucket and leaves me, his only great great grand neice a million dollars? That sounds cool, yeah? Then I can get the hell out of here. And maybe find a job I really enjoy in a city I really enjoy with people I actually like and who like me...because they know me as more than just a sounding board for all their own crap. Well...good night.
But, I find closed minded people everywhere I go, it seems. My Little Sister from the sorority emails me to tell me about the new class of rushies for the Fall semester. And she says that a few of them remind her of a former sister who quit a year ago. And then she says no that's not a good thing. Well, I haven't met these new ladies but I think my Little is being seriously unfair. As I said, I don't know these new girls but I'm sure that she means they like to party and they are a little wild. Nikki, the girl she said they remind her of, partied, yes, she was a little wild, yes, (she was 20 what did they expect, a Volvo driving soccer mom? [a cookie to the first person who gets that joke]) but she was a very devoted member of the sorority who happened to get bullied out. People often have one of two impressions of me. Either that I am scary and am ready to beat the crap out of the first person who upsets me or they think I'm a good listener and always know the right thing to say. Unfortunately, the good listener with the right things to say is often asked to not tell anyone else. Last spring (2003) Nikki's dad died. So she couldn't pay her dues to the sorority because of his hospital bills and the funeral costs and whatnot. Fine and dandy. Well...over the summer she bought a new truck and everyone in the sorority freaked. Nikki comes to me and says why is everyone made at me? I told her because she couldn't pay her dues and now she has a new truck. She said if they wanted her to, she would explain all of that to them...her mom made a deal with her, whatever she could save from working for three months over the summer, her mom would match from her dad's life insurance money and she could buy a car. The insurance money didn't come in until June or July so she didn't have it in the spring to pay her dues but she told me if they wanted her to she would pay them then (September). But instead of talking to her and finding out what the real story was, they just bullied her until she said fuck it, I don't need this headache. But because no one was willing to find out what really happened, and I was asked to let her take care of it herself, everyone now has this horrible image of her. All because her dad died and she couldn't fulfill some of her responsibilities. And now, because of those horrible attitudes toward her, the new girls are getting the bums rush because they party and like to go out and have a good time. Once again...they're 18, 19, 20 and on their own away from their parents...how can you judge them based on liking to party?
That's one thing that's always bugged about the chapter. Not the sorority in general because I'm sure that not all of the thousands of ladies across the country can look at things from the same two faces.... they condemn new girls because they like to party but they spend more time in bars and at parties than any of my non-Greek friends...actually, that's true. The girls in the sorority go to the bar (two or three different bars, depending on the night) twice or three times a waek... and they never just go to have a couple of drinks and visit... They go to one bar on Tuesday because ladies drink free until 11. They go to have several drinks and party. The only reason I've been in a bar with other friends in the past three years is because Omar's band was playing or someone was having a birthday party. And don't give me the "It's okay for us because we're 21 and it's not for them because they're not" crap...first of all...not all of them are 21, one of them has a fake ID, and second...they partied and drank when they were minors too so my theory "don't criticize me for something unless you are perfect" applies. Don't slam them for drinking underage unless you can honestly say, with absolutely no doubt, that you never did.
So...basically, I maintain that I hate people. My cousin, just like I am sure everyone else in this gods forsaken town, doesn't believe that I'll get out of this town...Which just makes me even more determined. I don't want them to be right. I don't want to be one more person who can't leave this Hellhole, who gets sucked into the black hole of Calcutta... I hate this place and every new person I talk to makes me hate it even worse.
Another problem I encountered tonight...talking with my cousin....another reason I can't stay here...is that I have changed in the past few years. A lot. And she hasn't. She was still remembering someone that she knew five years ago. I can't blame her for that. But that's not who I am anymore. But, she's still the same self-involved person she was when I last saw her. We were on the phone for nearly an hour and she talked for about 45 minutes...Part of that was because I didn't have anything to say really but I'm not sure she really noticed. I can't go back to that. To having friends who really don't care about my life, who are more interested in telling me about a guy I don't know, and will never know, becoming a minister. I miss my friends...I miss having people to talk to who actually want to hear what I have to say rather than waiting on pins and needles to get back to their own story.
I guess I'm done rambling. I'm frustrated and feeling ever more stuck the longer I stay here. How about some rich long lost uncle kicks the bucket and leaves me, his only great great grand neice a million dollars? That sounds cool, yeah? Then I can get the hell out of here. And maybe find a job I really enjoy in a city I really enjoy with people I actually like and who like me...because they know me as more than just a sounding board for all their own crap. Well...good night.